Some people are fucking assholes and I hate them.  Other people, however, are begging me to drive over their soulless bodies with my car every time I see them, hear them, or feel their ominous presence peeking at me from my closet of evil.  Here are the top fifteen people that need my tire marks across their faces more than anyone else.

Anna Nicole Smith
So she lost 300 pounds.  She's still borderline retarded.  I saw some TV show with her and her dog on it, and every face she made looked like she was fucked up on too much Xanax while being fucked in the ass with a fire hydrant.  And yes, she is the inspiration for this post.  The last good thing she did was make that horrible movie Skyscraper.  No one cares about how she married some old bastard two days before he died.  No one watched more than two episodes of her horrible show, either.  That show fucking sucked.  It was like a scientific video record of what happens when someone takes too many prescription drugs and makes out with ugliest woman alive.  And what was wrong with that guy on the show?  Was he a eunuch?  I know I said she makes horrible sneering faces all the time, and she was really fat at the time, but I'd still fuck her in her ear (and wear 13 condoms at the same time while I was doing it, but that's beside the point).  Granted I only watched about an episode and a half of that shit, but I don't remember that dude even once trying to date rape her, and it would have been really easy for him.  It's not like she had half a clue what was going on around her anyway.

Enough about her show.  That was a few years ago.  Lately, Anna Nicole Smith only pops up on VH1 and those diet pill commercials.  I don't even remember what brand of pill it was.  Doesn't matter.  The point is that they made a huge deal about how she lost loads of weight.  I don't even think she was aware of it because she was still incoherent on those commercials.  They took 400 takes and that was the best they could come up with? Come the fuck on.  She's been brain dead and completely done in terms of pop culture for about 10 years.  No wonder VH1 has been putting her on TV.

Criss Angel
MINDFREAK!!!!  MIIIIIIINDFREEEEAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!  Remember David Blaine?  Where is he now?  In a ditch somewhere eating his own bullshit? That's what I thought!  Looks like you've got a lot to look forward to, Angel.  Really gay name, by the way, you goth fucking pussy.  When I see you living in a cardboard box outside of a Chinese takeout place in three years, you can keep your shitty levitation tricks to yourself.  I'd rather hold on to the quarter, thanks.

Trishelle from Real World Las Vegas and Countless Other Reality Crapfests That Have Aired Since
(I'm getting a shitload of hatemail for that picture, I know it - get fucking a life, assholes)  You like cock, I get it.  Now go away.  I'd let this fucking cunt go if it weren't for the fact that she's on EVERY FUCKING REALITY SHOW ALL-STAR TEAM.  Every fucking one of them.  Every time VH1 wants to make a new reality show about inept morons (whose only skills are usually "can fit three cocks in mouth at once"), she's there, doing absolutely nothing, ready to answer the call.  And now the E! network, channel of wasted fucking time and effort, has a show called Kill Reality.  What's the premise?  It's a reality show starring people from other shows that's about why reality shows should go away.  What?  According to the official website (which I'm not linking on here for obvious reasons), it's about a bunch of morons from reality TV shows over the years trying to get a part in a movie called The Scorned in an attempt to turn their pitiful constantly-filmed lives into acting careers.  I think it's safe to say that The Scorned will be the worst movie ever made, and will probably make all of us fear electricity enough to plunge mankind back into the Stone Age.  Oh, and guess who one of the main caste members is...  Hey, Trishelle - I'll give you three dollars for a rim job.  That's right - three whole dollars.  I don't really even want my salad tossed; I just want the satisfaction of knowing you'd be willing to do something so degrading for so little money, and, let's face it, you'd do it.  You live for shit like that.  Just make sure those are just regular cold sores and not a herpes outbreak.  Oh, it is herpes?  Well, continue sucking off moronic TV producers then and don't get your gunk on me.  You stupid fucking whore.

Janice Dickinson
The first supermodel?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't there something like 14 first supermodels?  How come every time a model goes past her prime she claims to be the first supermodel?  You can't all be first, bitches. But as far as all of the "first supermodels EVER" go, Janice Dickinson can eat my cock.  Guess what, bitch: being 90% plastic isn't anything to brag about.  Anyone can be a model if they spend three million dollars (I'm making that figure up - don't email me) on plastic surgery to make themselves beautiful.  Sure, if I had the money, I could have the universe's largest penis, but as far as I'm concerned that's cheating.  It's one thing to be born with a 39 inch penis; it's another to pay for a dick that big. So Fuck Janice Dickinson.  I wouldn't even care that much if it weren't for the fact that she won't shut the fuck up about it. She is such a stuck up fucking cunt.  All she talks about is how beautiful she is and how she's a supermodel.  Newsflash delusional pill-head: YOU'RE IN YOUR FORTIES AND YOU ARE NOT HOT.  You look like a sculpture made from a retarded kid's earwax that is melting from being in the sun too long.  I almost don't want to drive over you so I don't get your plastic gunk all over my undercarriage, but on second thought - roadkill.

The Prick That Thought a Ranch Tooth Was a Good Idea for a Commercial
Lots of people love these commercials, and those people are fucking idiots.  "Ranch.  RANCH...  RAAAAANCH." Fucking annoying as balls.  If anything, the commercial makes me want to set fire to ranch flavor factories (or wherever ranch stuff comes from).  This Ranch Tooth bullshit is just another failed attempt at being hilariously random.  That's exactly what we need: another sub-par hilariously random ad campaign.  And, of course, all of the idiots out there love it.  They can't get enough of the Ranch Tooth.  "It's great!  It's like a sweet tooth - you've heard of a sweet tooth, right?  But - get this - instead of craving candy, it craves - you'd better sit down - RANCH!!  HA HA HA HA HA!!  How delightful!  Weeeee!! OAR is the greatest band e-v-e-r!!!"  Fucking retards.  The sandwich doesn't even look like it tastes good.

Chris Martin
You named your kid "Apple."  You're a stupid asshole.  I mean, I'm in favor of goofy names as much as the next guy (just ask my kids Thigh Master and Astro-Glide), but come on.  It doesn't take a fucking genius to see that Apple (the computer company, not the baby) gave you millions of dollars and a sweet, sweet hummer in exchange for making your kid a permanent endorsement of their computers.  It couldn't be more obvious.  When did Gwyneth (or Shitty Actress, as I like to call her) pop that little ball of pus out  of her centiped-filled vag again?  Around the brink of the iPod's budding success? That's what I thought, asshole.  What really pisses me off is that your seed won't be ridiculed and tormented in school for her stupid name like anyone else would be since she has famous idiot parents, and that makes me hate you more.  Oh, and your band sucks too.  I have an idea; how about you put out an album where every song is basically the exact same whiny thing? Oh, wait...

Drew Rosenhaus
You know what?  This guy is single-handedly ruining football.  Here's a theory: little Drew was always really weak, uncoordinated, and had an overall lack of athletic ability.  But little Drew did know a lot about money, sucking dick, and sucking dick for money.  So he studied more and more about money and how to milk it from people.  Then he decided that since he could never actually play any sports, he'd represent real athletes (you know, the people with actual athletic talent) in order to vicariously live through them and have a star athlete's life, while sucking their dicks of course.  Fuck this piece of shit.  He is the cockiest, smarmiest fucking claw in the universe.

That Fucking Cunt That Drives the Champaign Taurus That I Seem To Get Stuck Behind Every Fucking Day On My Way to Work
Yeah, you know who you are, you stupid fucking old cunt ass whore.  Always plodding along, talking on your cell phone, probably talking your kids out of killing themselves due to having a stupid, inept mother every god damn day as you go to your real estate job.  I bet you haven't even sold anything more than a basement condo in over four years because you're too busy trying not to eat the last donut in the break room so your husband won't find you too fat for a good porking, even though he's already blind and his sense of touch is dulled from years of touching the poison you secrete from your alien reptile body.  When he fucks you now, I bet he's thinking about his cross-eyed secretary with the one leg anyway.  One day, bitch.  One day I will run your stupid fucking ass off the road and make you eat your goddamned cell phone.  And then I'm going to shove that fucking soccer ball bumper sticker right up your rank ass.  I'm already late enough for work without having to sit behind you for three miles before another lane opens up.  I hope you see me give you the finger constantly every day, but in case you don't I have good news: I'm going to start throwing rocks at you.  And I hope one of those rocks magically gives you ass cancer.

The Guy Behind that Sprite Puppet Thing
This puppet sucks.  It was also obviously conceived by the WHITEST PEOPLE ALIVE.  I fucking hate the puppet, I fucking hate the guy that does the puppet's voice ("RARRR Show'em my mottoRARRRH!"), and I fucking hate the stupid cock-stuffing piece of shit that thought it would be a good idea in the first place.  I picture about ten marketing people, all white (obviously the type of people that have only seen black people on TV and don't understand this... this rap music), between the ages of 30 and 55, sitting around a big conference table, arguing about the best way to sell Sprite to stupid kids (I say kids because no one over the age of 13 could possibly be persuaded to drink something based on what an obnoxious PACKED-FULL-OF-'TUDE puppet praises). Each one of them has a checklist in front of them compiled from years of researching old Dolemite movies, reruns of 227 and What's Happening, and Luke Cage comics.  Eleven people died to bring you...

Absolutely fucking retarded.  On the off chance I drink anything other than whiskey, menstrual fluids (don't ask) and Fresca, I will drink Sierra Mist out of spite.

Suzy Kolber
I like football.  I like football a lot.  Nothing ruins football more for me than hearing and seeing this stupid squinty-eyed sack of diarrhea blab on and on about nothing during football games that are unfortunately aired on ESPN. She's not even remotely attractive, either.  She has red Einstein hair, and the constant squint (a sign of too much semen in the eye over the years - way to work your way up the broadcasting ladder!) just makes me hate her more.  Even her voice sends me into a terrible rage.  With every word she says, my desire to kill becomes that much more powerful.  You are ruining football more than T.O. and his idiot claw agent combined, bitch.  And for that you must pay.

Jared from Subway
Congratulations, you lost 200 pounds by eating shitty hoagies.  Guess what... you're still a tool and no one likes you. I'm sure you're totally stoked that your new job as a Subway spokesperson is working out better for you than your old career: Disgusting Shut-In/Galactus - Devourer of Planets.  What's really funny is that he's being phased out of the Subway commercials.  The last few he's been in you can only see him from the chest up.  Do you know why?  Because he's getting fat again.  I hope you're ready to gain all your weight back and then some, you social retard, but just don't get too huge; I still need your fat carcass to be able to fit under my car.  Oh, the wonders of the miraculous Subway diet. Who would have thought that eating nothing but hoagies and chips wouldn't be a permanent weight-loss technique?

Everyone That Watches Dog: The Bounty Hunter - Not as a Joke
Ever since I posted that piece on Dog: The Bounty Hunter, I've received a good amount of emails every week about it. Around 90% of those emails were from people calling me a "stupid pathetic fucker" for shitting all over his crappy job and TV show.  Here's a recent email, but by no means the best one (just an easy one to find since I actually wrote back):

"jessica rayfield" <shy_baby_girl21_22@yahoo.com>
first of all ur a fucking ass hole u can go to hell for all tha shit u said in ur website u dont know shit bounty hunting is a real career ur just pissed u dont have a real job u stupid fucker goodbye

Who'd have thought that the people who love this show are completely retarded?  Friends of mine have told me I should post hate mail on this site, and this email is a perfect example of why I don't.  It's almost unreadable. It'd be easier to comprehend if it were written in hieroglyphics.  I normally don't answer hate mail because most of it is a waste of time, but this time, I decided to bite the line and I responded with this:

I had hoped that'd be the end of it.  I was wrong.  In about three hours, she wrote back.  I wasn't expecting a write-back, but this bitch really loves Dog's ape drape.

"jessica rayfield" <shy_baby_girl21_22@yahoo.com>
whatever u just need to grow up i just happen to enjoy tha show i have better things to do than write stupid shit about people. ur an ignorant person who has to make fun of people. like i said u need to grow up!

So I wrote back again, which thankfully silenced her.  Any more struggling through her emails and I would probably explode.  Feel free to email her, though.

Fuck these people.  Dog is a piece of shit and is borderline retarded (and that's giving him the benefit of the doubt).  You wouldn't believe how many people come to this site looking for "Leland Chapman Extreme Fighter," "Leland Chapman Tattoo," "Dog the Bounty Hunter Where's Justin," "Dog the Bounty Hunter Ugly Wife."  Between this garbage and people looking for the guy whose balls were eaten by monkeys (and I don't even really like what I wrote about that), they make up about half of the random visitors to the site, according to my space-age traffic meter.  Here's the deal, since I didn't make myself clear enough for the mentally challenged community: yes, bounty hunting is a real career.  However, it's not interesting in real life like it is in movies and trashy romance novels.  It's boring.  So boring, in fact, that it should not have ever even been on TV despite the rest of the garbage on it.  No one cares about bail jumpers.  Fucking put some explosions and bloody deaths on my TV, not some jackass spouting rhyming catch phrases that don't make any fucking sense.

(On another note, sorry that this one is so long.  I am very against posting hatemail because it is boring. I just wanted something to back up my "ludicrous" claim that people actually watch this show seriously, and don't think it's the funniest trainwreck in the universe.)

Stephen A. Smith
"Quite frankly, I'm a cock-gobbling piece of shit!"  I hate this assfuck.  Every time I see a commercial for his new show, just the sound of his cocky, bullshit-laden voice makes me black out, and every time I come to, I'm in an alley covered in blood and cat hair.  He's no Stuart Scott.  I mean, yeah, you could see Stuart Scott's right eye growing more blind and even more evil every day, but still, he's a lot better than Stephen Ass Smith. He wasn't a loud, obnoxious, stupid, narrow-minded piece of fuck like Stephen A. Smith.  And fuck everyone that puts their middle initial in their name.  What's wrong with Stephen Smith?  Yeah, it's a boring alliterative name, but it's better than sounding like your name's a shitty ploy to sound at least halfway intelligent.  Plus, you know you suck when you're from Philly and no one in the entire city likes you. Quite frankly you can go fuck yourself, Steve.

Oprah Fans
Fuck Oprah, fuck her magazine, fuck her empire, and fuck her show.  It's a crappy daytime talk show.  Everyone watches bad shows, even I do.  On Saturday afternoons when I wake up hungover and come across Bibleman on the televangelist channel, I'll watch the whole episode and laugh my balls off the entire time.  But there's no reason to ever watch Oprah.  If you live your day in constant anticipation for four o'clock so some billionaire can make you feel better about your own pathetic life through other people's bullshit, you're proclaiming to the world that you're an idiot. Basically, there are two types of people that watch Oprah as far as I can tell:

1. Bored, naive, overly-impressionable house wives/single mothers.

2. Men who want to nail those women (for some bizarre and probably white-trash reason) and are watching Oprah to take notes for future pickup line material to be tested out at the local laudromat/McDonald's, or as they call those places, the local matin' grounds.

Fuck these people.  At least Montel Williams has child-freaks (does he still even have a show?) and Maury Povich has out of control sexy-dressing teens that beat up their idiot parents.  Oprah has a bunch of invalids come on her show to cry while she and occasionally Dr. Phil berate them (which I'll admit they deserve) to make the 400 lb. grease-devouring sacks of bored housewife feel better about their own shitty lives as they watch from their trailers, which may or may not be a double-wide depending on their fourth-grade-educated husbands' employment status at the local gas station/bait & tackle shop.  And then when most people finally get sick of her cookie-cutter show format, she gives the entire audience a car so people can jump back on the "I WANT OPRAH'S WOMAN-PENIS INSIDE ME!!!" bandwagon.  You're all a bunch of sheep. Wake up.

Hilary Clinton is running for president (or hoping to) in 2008.  She will not win, so there will be no woman president. Unless, of course, Oprah decides to run.  I can guarantee that if Oprah ever ran for president, she'd win in a landslide. She's got hordes of moronic followers and billions of dollars.  I don't care if she is a woman and black, she would still win.  I can't believe she hasn't even thought of it (not that I want her to).  But if she does, it was my idea first and I want my cut of her fortune.  Yeah, I hate her and her fans, but I love free money.

Carlos Mencia
Does anyone honestly find this stupid asshole funny?  You're hispanic.  WE GET IT.  I know that Comedy Central will put virtually anything on TV, but come on.  You give really good head, don't you?  Why don't you write a bit about that.  Hey, I'll even get you started: "I'm a beaner!!! [wait for applause and cheers]  Comedy Central didn't want to give me a show at first.  [Random boos from people just waiting to be offended since they'd have nothing else going for them if it weren't for pointless cause-rallying]  But they said they'd give me show if I could pick every dingleberry out of the crack of the executive producer, and if there's one thing I'm good at, amigos, it's picking things.  That's because I'm a fourth generation strawberry picker.  If there's one thing we latinos are good at, it's picking strawberries.  And dingleberries. [assorted cheers from all of the idiots in the audience that don't realize he just set the Civil Rights movement back about 150 years]"  I can just imagine the conversations between the Comedy Central execs:

Executive 1: We're losing the hispanic market.  We need a hispanic themed show, and fast!
Executive 2: How about we get John Leguizano?
Executive 1: John Leguizano?  He's never been funny.
Executive 2: Yeah, but he's edgy.  People are stupid.  They won't care.
Executive 1: While I agree with you that people are retarded, John Leguizano hasn't been "edgy" in years. They'd never buy it.  I mean come on, the last movie he was in was about a boxer.  Even that piece of trash The Jerk was more edgy.
Executive 2: Okay, you're right.  Well how about Carlos Mencia?  He's not even remotely funny either, but he's fairly new on the scene, and the punchline to every one of his jokes always has the word "beaner" in there somewhere.  I think people would eat that up.
Executive 1: You've done it again, Executive 2!  Get Mencia on the phone, and tell him that his brand of crappy hispanic "comedy" is just what this network needs to keep it on top of the comedy ratings!  Nuts to actually funny shows like Upright Citizens Brigade!  We need to tackle the race market, and Chappelle told us to go fuck ourselves.  You get a bonus and a sweet reach-around!  Drop trou and get that sweet ass over here!

And instead of getting pissed off about that, you morons eat it all up.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!  I'm personally a huge fan of offending people (as if you can't tell), but where are all the protesters now?  Normally I hate you hippy politically correct pussies, but now I need you assholes to make Carlos Mencia go away.  The words "wetback" and "beaner" are only funny the first 3,000 times you hear them.  Get some new fucking material.

Oh, and just in case you thought I was making up the fact that every one of his jokes makes fun of his own people, the show has been on right now for two minutes, he has told four jokes, and each joke made fun of Mexicans.  That's one Mexican joke every 30 seconds.  He's a tool, milking his Mexican jokes for all they're worth until the day that the world gets sick of him and throws him away.  He's no different than god damn Jeff Foxworthy and his redneck jokes.  It's the same fucking thing over and over again.  And it seems like I'm the only one that sees that.

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