| BRITNEY
SPEARS: GO AWAY
 Britney
Spears is a stupid redneck that makes shitty, radio-friendly
cookie-cutter garbage pap music that no one in their right mind
should listen to, let alone buy. Anyone over the age of 10 that
buys a Britney Spears CD should be dragged out into a vomit-filled
street by their pubic hair and trampled by two-headed clowns on
stilts because their stupidity is bringing down average human
intelligence way too much for them to be left alive. If aliens were
to come to Earth and find out that Britney Spears has sold millions
of albums, they'd immediately melt us all and turn our planet into
the galaxy's largest parking lot. It's that fucking bad.
Last night, I
was watching TV (which was, as usual, a mistake) and I saw about ten
minutes of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic on MTV as I was
flipping around. First of all, calling your show "Chaotic" is really
gay. Like, homo gay. It doesn't even make sense. How are
either of them chaotic? Nothing says "total insano chaos" like two
lucidly-married retards that combined barely have a high enough IQ
to flip a light switch. Why did I only watch it for ten minutes?
Because it was already ten minutes too long and I'll never have that
10 minutes back. Why did I watch any of it at all? So you'd have
something to read today. You're welcome, ingrate. I don't know
what's worse, the fact that some stupid asshole gave her a reality
show or that people eat it up like Grade F steaks at an Old Country
Buffet. Not that Britney Spears an Old Country Buffet's "high-end"
food are that different - both are just cheap meat dolled up to look
less repulsive.
 Why
does anyone really give half a flaming shit about Britney Spears and
her marriage? First of all she's a redneck. Second, she makes
terrible, boring music. Third, her husband (who I will refer to as
Kevin Fucker because I don't feel like typing his last name) is some
goofy dancing white guy that wears FuBu. They showed clips of other
videos and whatnot he was in as a backup dancer, and in one he had
corn rows. News flash: if you're white, don't get corn rows because
you will always look like a subnormal. I have yet to see a white
person, male or female, with corn rows that didn't look like a total
jackass. I'm sorry, but that's how it is.
On the main
Chaotic UPN website, the crappy flash animation challenges "Can
you handle our truth?" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHAT TRUTH?! They act like they're the first
retards to get together and start a really stupid family (any kids
that pop out of her will only be able to communicate with a series
of points and grunts, at least until they're about 14 and start
pulling their pants down to get what they want - just like mommy and
daddy - and that's not counting all the brain damage they have from
being dropped so many times). Seriously? No one cares. The only
"truth" I can see is that the two of them got married to double
their producer-cock sucking efforts. The only reason they got the
show is because one was sucking the producer's dick and the other
was tossing his salad (I'll leave it up to you to figure out who was
doing what).
If you have
half a minute (and I'm sure you do), listen to the song on the
website. I nearly pissed my pants I was laughing so hard. It
sounds like it was made with a Casio keyboard and some Fisher-Price
baby toys that scream at you when you whack them with a hammer. It's
only 30 seconds long, and the amazing thing is that it probably took
a long fucking time to make. It's not like it takes effort, skill,
or even musical ability to churn out diarrhea like that, but I'm
sure fifteen takes of randomly smashing keyboards still wasn't
enough to make sure everyone hated it. And to whomever wrote the
lyrics: please thank your government-appointed handler for letting
you off your leash long enough to scribble that nonsense down.
 Last
night, before the crappy Britney Spears show, I saw the last
ten minutes of Hit Me Baby 1 More Time, a show on I
don't even know what channel about washed up musicians
performing recent pop songs I've never heard in order to
resurrect their long-dead careers. The only acts I saw were
Arrested Development and Tiffany. Arrested Development won,
and while I can't say anything about Flock of Seagulls,
Loverboy, or whoever else was whoring themselves on this show,
but Arrested Development definitely deserved to win over
Tiffany. They did a little segment on her about how she's a
wife and mother and how her new album (!!!!!!) is coming out
soon. I think I speak for everyone in the world (except her
family) when I say that only five albums will be bought, and
all by her. But keep your eyes peeled and ears ready this
summer when she probably goes on another mall tour. Poor,
misguided, gullible Tiffany. But kudos to Arrested
Development for winning! Now they can get back to suing TV
shows of the same name to make sure we don't forget about them
again in three days.
The show
was hosted by some mop-topped British guy that talked like the
guy from Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, Robin Leech. My
theory is that the host was merely a robot with Robin Leech's
brain inside of it. What's even funnier is he was talking
about America this and America that and about how much ass
America kicks. Hey asshole: you're fucking British. Stick to
what you know, like daintily sipping tea and the queen's fat
decrepit ass and how nothing's funnier than a man in women's
clothing. On second thought, just explode into a snooty mess. |
|
The episode synopses are
ridiculous, too. For instance, episode three is "Britney
frankly expresses her fears, insecurities and worries about
love and life." There is no way that wasn't written by
a 14-year-old girl with a thesaurus opened up to the page with
synonyms for the word "fear" listed on it. There is also a
link to "Ask Britney and Kevin" a question which will be
posted on the website. I thought this potential comedy
goldmine was too good to be true. And it was. I couldn't
find any responses or questions anywhere, and I refuse to
believe that no one wrote to them (you know little prostitots
fell out of their chairs in the excitement of thinking Britney
Spears will write back to them). The website lied to us, and
for that they must pay.
Most of what I saw in the
show was the two of them in the back of a car with a
night-vision camera talking about how the driver farted. Now
that's some good TV. Then we got to see them kiss for about
ten minutes, and it was the most awkward kiss ever filmed.
The only way it would have been more awkward is if one of them
burped into the other one's mouth, and honestly, I would have
loved to see that. Then they cut to the bodyguard talking
about how happy she is and how they're perfect together and
how Mattel wants to use the story of their fairytale romance
for their next creepy CGI Barbie movie which will be watched
daily by little girls across the country destined to grow up
marrying some rich asshole and spending the rest of their
lives talking shit about people in their ritzy country clubs.
Little bitches, I hate them so much. Oh, and then the TV show
cut back to more awkward night-vision kissing and
driver-farting. I forget what happened next because I was
banging my head on the floor at the time and blacked out.
Amidst the awkward
groping, teary back stories, testimonials from the bouncer
saying Spears wasn't a bitch anymore, and the driver farting
into the camera, I think I threw up 18 times. |
But what does
the stupid, subnormal public have to say about the show? Nothing
smart, I'll tell you that, but let's find out anyway. To do that,
all we have to do is go to her fanpage (link omitted because fuck
that, it's bad enough I have a link to UPN on here). The first line
says, "Britney Spears is loving life as a
pregnant woman - the cravings, watching sonograms and especially
the sex."
Especially the pregnant sex? That is so fucking gross that my penis
just crawled inside me and hung a sign in its place that says
"Goodbye Cruel World!" I also just threw up in my mouth. This
brings me to something I don't understand: very pregnant women that
wear bikinis. Cover that shit up. It's not attractive. No one
wants too look at your stretch-mark-covered belly flopping over your
thong. A pregnant "belly" is not "beautiful." It's
nausea-inducing. And I'm sure any women reading this right now hate
me for saying that, but guess what? You probably hated me anyway
and besides I know I'm not the only one who thinks so. Look at it
this way: if your gut was that big and you weren't pregnant, you
wouldn't be wearing a bikini, would you? I didn't think so.
 This
fansite is a bigger waste of time than my site. They actually have a
bullet list of "Seven more things we now know
about the pop star's private life." Hear that? That's the
sound of thousands of obsessed fans clicking their pens and taking
notes for the unofficial biography they're all writing about Britney
Spears (despite the fact that none of them are smart enough to form
a complete sentence). Highlights include: Britney loves Kevin and
chips, Britney could beat people up (look out, world! She's coming
for you!), Brad Pitt is still sexy (fuck yes, now I can go on living
for another day), caffeine is important, Kevin Fucker doesn't like
smoke (unless it's being blown into his asshole), and Kevin Fucker
has a way with words. Such words are, and I quote, "I
think that you're scared to love me, and that makes me scared to
love you." I was at a garage for like an hour and a half
last Friday getting an oil change and new headlights, and they had a
couple soap operas on TV. Every line in those soap operas was more
realistic and less cheesy than what Kevin Fucker said. I've peed
haikus in the snow that were less retarded.
The website
also has a plea from Charlotte Church, a woman I've never heard of
before (what exactly is a "teen soprano, since it can't possibly
mean what I think it means?")*,
asking the world to leave poor Britney alone. "She's
had a hard enough time," says Church, and you know what?
She's right. Spears has had it rough. I mean, what with her
millions of dollars, legions of adoring retarded fans, having her
face on TV every five minutes, and branching out into other areas of
business such as her
fucking
perfume, she's having a really hard time at life. Boy, do I
feel bad for her, the poor girl. She wanted to be famous, and now
people won't leave her alone. Boo Hoo. Fuck you,
Charlotte Church. She also says, "If she
wants to be a mum and retire then, fucking hell, I mean, she
entertained us for so long, she was lush, leave her be." I
think she meant to say, "she was a lush." I'd agree
with that. Fuck that, anyway. You can't become a world-wide pop
star and then expect to be left alone by the tabloids. There has to
be a trade-off somewhere, and as far as trade-offs go, being
harassed by the paparazzi is no big deal, especially when you have
so much to show for it. "Boo hoo hoo, they keep following me around,
taking my picture when I don't have enough makeup on so everyone
sees how ugly I am in reality! I can't even get the morning paper
without people screaming my name and asking for an autograph. Life
is so hard. Hand me another $100 bill so I can blow my nose. Then
I'm going to sit on my solid-gold toilet and take a mean dump."
*update:
Charlotte Church is a singer. She sings gospel-type stuff, like
church hymns, not even Christian rock. Apparently she sounds like
the Starland Vocal Band, not even Afternoon Delight but the other
stuff, and that's awful. When I read "teen soprano," I thought she
was either an opera singer or played a Soprano on that TV show "The
Sopranos" (I've never seen "The Sopranos"). Charlotte Church is
kind of a fucked up name, like how actresses change their names for
no particular reason. And it probably is a made up name now that I
know she sings operatic church hymns. This is much much worse. And
the quote from her sounds like it was said by a Scottish person, so
I'm going to assume she's Scottish.
I was going
to post some quotes from people in the forum on that fansite and
openly mock them, but after reading for about ten seconds, I
realized that they make fun of themselves way better than I ever
could so it's not worth the time or effort on my part. So instead,
here's what everyone should do:
-
Go out and find a Britney Spears fan.
They are all over the place. You can find them at bars singing
karaoke and begging to be set on fire, at clubs dancing badly to
the latest Britney Spears shit-storm, at restaurants wearing pink
T-shirts that usually say something like "I'm a princess" and have
a picture of a pony wearing a tiara on the front, at the gym
trying not to be fat but still somehow not losing any weight and
listening to Toxic on their pink IPods while obnoxiously singing
the lyrics even though they're tone-deaf, or at a music store
talking about how they "liked her older stuff better" in an
attempt to sound like they know what they're talking about even
though every Britney Spears song is the exact same sound of
garbage as every other one.
-
Punch said Britney Spears fan in the face.
Just do it. You'll feel a lot better, trust me. Shit, they're
probably used to it happening a few times a week anyway. If you
accidentally punch a minor in the face for being a Britney Spears
fan, you will have the cops come after you. Don't worry, though.
Just explain that the kid you punched was a raving Britney Spears
fan and you were just doing your part to make sure this person
doesn't grow up to be a detriment to society. I can guarantee the
cop will give you his or her nightstick, say, "Here, use this
instead of your fist, it's better," kick the Britney Spears fan in
the ribs, and then walk away to harass some kids sitting in front
of a convenience store. If the Britney Spears fan in question
happens to be a guy, you have the (highly recommended) option of
castrating him. This is to prevent him from breeding future
morons, and besides, any guy that openly admits to listening to
Britney Spears isn't going to have much use for his genitalia
anyway. Oh, and this is extremely important; after punching your
Britney Spears fan in the face, yell, "Pop goes the weasel!"
Because that's really fucking funny.
-
Repeat. Again and again and
again.
We all have
to do our part to make sure Britney Spears' career goes to shit and
everyone completely forgets about her until VH1 comes out with "I
Love the 00's!" (Note: since VH1 knows people love those shows and
will always watch them, they will release "I Love the 00's!" in
2007. They're already up to "I Love the 90's Part 8" right now, and
that well dried up in the middle of part two. And it's not like
they're smart enough to wait for the nostalgia to build up either,
and that's why "I Love the 90's" sucks. Yes, I remember 6 years
ago, assholes. It practically just happened. Ask me again ten
years from now when seeing the bumblebee girl on TV will make me
say, "Hey, I remember that. And I still hate her." Idiots.) |
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