Okay, by now everyone's seen about 400 different dodge commercials about the hemi engine.  Most of them start this guy to the left, Jon Reep.  I feel bad for poor Jon Reep because he will forever be that guy from the hemi commercials (except for the Sierra Mist commercial with the bagpipes). Anyway, some tool is driving his redneck-mobile, when this guy and his chromosomally deficient buddy are driving another paragon of the redneck lifestyle: an old Charger (the General Lee minus the paint job).  He drag races the guy with the truck and loses because...  wait for it... wait for it... the truck has a hemi.  Woo-fucking-hoo!  There's another set out with some tool and his coddling, over-protective wife. Their bastard kid says "hemi" in an "it's supposed to be a little kid, but it's really Ted from Marketing" voice. Then the dude sets himself on fire.  I was hoping he'd be completely burned alive, or at least hospitalized, but he was fine.  I know it was a joke, but it was a cruel, evil joke to let him survive without permanent injury.  I'm getting a moped and slapping a "This thing's got a motherfucking HEMI" sticker on the back.  Oh, and in case you missed the hidden message behind the Hemi commercials, here it is:

[Update 4/4/05 - I got an email from Jon Reep over the weekend.  It's short and to the point, so here it is:

Well, hooray for Google.  I'm glad that Google is now tracking this site (or whatever the techie term for it is) because I'm an attention whore when it comes to things like this.  It also means that all the crap I wrote on the updates page (popular search queries that I made up) will bring hordes of people that like pictures of naked people shitting into someone's mouth, furry porn, and chicks with dicks to my site, even though they'll probably be let down that I don't actually have any scat content.  I don't care though because those people are only one picture of a naked 12-year-old boy away from no longer being human.

Anyway, Jon (may I call you Jon?  Thanks) claims he's just starting out and therefore can't be washed up.  And he's right. You need a respected acting career (read: be in movies and TV shows, no matter how stupid they are, and not do crappy Dodge commercials) before you get to the point in your career where the only messages you receive on your phone are from the producers of Surreal Life.  So no, he's not washed up and has very little chance of that happening.  My bad.  Since he was in a Hemi commercial, however, he is still a douche-bag in my book.  And Jon?  It's not just you, man.  It's everyone in those commercials.  You're just the guy whose online resume (that's really tacky, by the way - must be a commercial actor thing because I've found others by accident) I found when I searched for the hemi commercials on Google.  Speaking of, I'm assuming you were searching for yourself on Google to see if anyone (commercial critics maybe?  Do they exists?) mentioned you, hoping to parlay that into another minimum-wage acting gig.  Instead, you found my website and got offended. Not that it isn't necessarily warranted, but I'm finding it hard to believe that you give a shit what a guy who watches cartoons and wears a cape during sex thinks about a handful of redneck-oriented commercials you appeared in. Even though my acting makes Natalie Portman's acting ability seem amazing (I starred in three really, really bad student films when I went to Drexel so my lack of acting talent is well documented), but here's a tip anyway: if you're really trying to be a successful actor, you shouldn't care what people you haven't met write about you on the internet.  Look at Stallone.  You know everybody hates him for crappy movie after crappy movie (Judge Dredd, Daylight, Demolition Man, and on and on and on) yet he still keeps making them.  I personally send him 18 emails a day telling him how much he sucks since Rambo and he's got his own TV show. (I still think Over the Top is the best truck-driving, arm-wrestling, child-custody-battling movie ever made, though.)  Yeah, it's a really stupid reality show about people boxing for their kids (however that makes sense), but at least I don't see it every time a show goes to commercial.

Jon did sign his email with love though, and that fills my insides with sunshine jelly.  And I'd make fun of more commercial actors (like that annoying cock-head from the Intel Server commercials) if I could find out what their names were.  But since I'm not getting paid to write this crap last I checked, I'm not going to waste too much time looking.]

GENERAL STUPIDITY
BAD MOVIES
BAD TV
BAD MUSIC
BAD COMMERCIALS
STUPID CELEBRITIES

HOME
REPLY ALL DEAD POOL
OLD GARBAGE

EMAIL