This commercial is local to Pennsylvania.  And it is for scratch-off lottery tickets.  I'll never understand why lottery tickets need to be advertised since there's always a line of social retards picking their asses at convenience stores every day pissing away their money on lottery tickets while I'm stuck waiting to buy cigarettes and there's only one clerk and he can't help me because those people need 8,300 tickets and for each ticket they always have their personalized numbers already picked out and I get angry to the point where I start screaming and have to be dragged away by the authorities. And do they care?  No, they're too busy rattling off their 10 page list of relatives' birthdays and scrounging around in their purses for fortune cookie lucky number slips to pay attention to anything going on around them, and after they get their tickets and go back to their trailers, they sit on a soiled couch in their underwear clutching all 8,300 tickets in their hands, eagerly awaiting 7:00 (or whenever), and then cry themselves to sleep when they realize none of their magic lucky numbers paved the way to fabulous cash prizes.  But then they get up the next day and repeat the bullshit all over again. Fuck you lotto junkies.

So the premise of this series of commercials is that Gus, the ugly and extremely annoying groundhog, which is also a puppet and I hate puppets, is the second most famous groundhog in PA.  The most famous one, of course, is Puxatawny Phil (note: I'm probably spelling "Puxatawny" wrong, and if you feel the need to correct me, it might be time to change your tampon). And being that all the people outside of PA and possibly Jersey have no idea what a Puxatawny Phil is (unless you've seen Groundhog Day), I'll explain.  Puxatawny Phil is the groundhog that losers hover around every February 2nd to see if Kragnar, mystical sorcerer and master of weather, will bless us with six more weeks of winter.  The town of Puxatawny, PA lies in a region I refer to as Pennsyltucky, and that is pretty much every part of PA that is west/north of Philly's suburbs, including cities like Pittsburg and Erie. Even if you're from Reading, you're pretty much on the fringe of Pennsyltucky.  Nothing good ever comes from Pennsyltucky.  Also, unless you're from the state, you can't name anything that has come out of Pennsyltucky, and this is why people from coal mining country make such a big fucking deal about Puxatawny Phil.  That oversized rat is the only thing keeping that entire town afloat, and probably the only thing that brings meaning to the lives of the people that live around there.

So, now that you know how insignificant the most famous groundhog of Pennsylvania is, the second in line is obviously going to suck much harder*.  And suck he does.  His voice sends me into a terrible rage.  I hate that nasally rasp that spews out of his little puppet mouth, and all the fucking thing talks about is a) how he's the second most famous groundhog in PA, and b) how goddamned much he loves scratch-off lottery tickets.  The worst part is they've been using this creature for a couple years now as their mascot, which leads me to believe that people like it and are giving positive feedback on it.  The proper thing to do, if I was in charge, is to make it so every time someone in the focus group says they like Gus, they fall through a trap door in their chair and are forced to spend the rest of their meaningless lives in a holding cell.  A holding cell of pain. Because they're obviously too goddamned crazy to be allowed in public.

*The second most famous only in PA?  Does every state have its own most famous groundhog?  And do they ever battle each other for supreme popularity?  Like every March, are there fights to the death between the two to decide which groundhog gets to be the official mascot for Groundhog Day?  And if so, Puxatawny Phil must be unstoppably strong.  Like one year, he'll defeat Sante Fe Sam, the next year he beheads Boise Billy and screams, "There can be only one!"  No, because Pennsylvania is the only state pointless enough to give a shit about a fucking groundhog.  How do they pick a new groundhog?  I mean, Phil can't be immortal, can he? An undead groundhog from western PA is much more terrifying than radioactive swamp monsters and the women who want to have sex with them.

Every holiday season, there is a new commercial showcasing the latest holiday-themed scratch-off tickets.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Memorial Day, Valentine's Day, Christmas.  They probably even have Arbor Day-themed tickets. But know what they don't have?  Fucking GROUNDHOG DAY tickets.  I'm so pissed my arms are violently shaking as I type this.  Every time I see this little puppet monster on my TV I want to find him, chop off his head, expose his body to sunlight, and douse the whole mess in holy water just to make sure I double-killed it.  I guess we should be sort of thankful though. Instead of a groundhog, our lottery mascot could be a clanging Liberty Bell, an ass-raping mountain hillbilly, or a flaming lump of coal.  Actually, that last one would be kind of funny.

After looking for pictures of this monstrosity, I now realize why I hate it so much.  It's a fucking robot, and it is trying to destroy humanity by making us lose all our money on lottery tickets, breaking our spirit, and then sending his robo-hog minions to wipe us out.  A groundhog robot is infinitely worse than a groundhog puppet. We are all doomed.

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