By
now, everyone has seen this commercial. It's for some new
mixed-flavor Skittles featuring sheep boys. Sheep Boys are sheep
with human faces that love eating Skittles. Obviously, it's kind of
fucked up. I'd be willing to even let this commercial go and just
ignore it, but not only do they look like something from a nightmare
retarded children might have, but their voices send me into a
terrible rage. Sort of like what happens to me every time I see
Sarah Jessica Parker on TV, except with the sheep boys I'm not
screaming the lyrics to Twisted Sister songs during my rampage. (To
find out why, click here) Anyway, they stand there eating
Skittles off of a stump talking about how wacky to the MAX the
flavor combinations are. That's right, bitches, there's nothing
wackier than a ball of sugar that tastes like a combination of mango
and watermelon. I thought that Skittles were pushing the bar with
tropical punch, but they're now breaking the laws of physics by
merging two fruits that should have nothing to do with each other.
If you think about the unholy marriage of fruit for too long, you
head will explode and cockroaches will storm out and start dancing
for nickels. I just want to know why they stopped their "let's mix
flavors together" brilliance at fruit. Personally, I've always
wanted to eat a candy that tastes like a combination of public phone
and saline solution. And ever since I was a little kid, I've
dreamed of serving a dinner at my wedding that tastes like a
combination of soiled hooker panties and the corpses of my enemies
(you know who you are).
At the end of
a commercial, a farmer walks by, carrying a sheep (a regular one,
not a sheep boy) to the barn, and tells the sheep boys to stop
"yammering" or some other goofy word only rednecks use instead of
"talking." Know what that means? The farmer's off to the barn to
make more sheep boys so he can hear more sheep boys professing their
love for Skittles. And if you listen closely, you can also hear the
sheep he's holding scream "rape" in sheep-tongue. The sheep boys
don't care though because they really want a little sister. For
sheep-boy-sex. They are on a farm after all, and if bad horror
movies have taught me anything, it's that everything on a farm is
inbred. Oh, and to the Skittles ad execs that came up with this
campaign: bestiality does not make me hungry for candy. It makes me
hungry for more bestiality. After this commercial, I didn't buy
Skittles, I went to the pet store to buy a monkey, and then I taught
that monkey the wonders of forbidden passion. No, if you want to
sell more candy, why not do what everyone else does and have a bunch
of RAD-TO-THE-MAX kids on skateboards packing tons of 'tude and
raising hell in their school all while eating Skittles. I'm sure it
would work better than sheep boys, and everyone else is doing it.
By
now, everyone has seen this commercial. It's for some new
mixed-flavor Skittles featuring sheep boys. Sheep Boys are sheep
with human faces that love eating Skittles. Obviously, it's kind of
fucked up. I'd be willing to even let this commercial go and just
ignore it, but not only do they look like something from a nightmare
retarded children might have, but their voices send me into a
terrible rage. Sort of like what happens to me every time I see
Sarah Jessica Parker on TV, except with the sheep boys I'm not
screaming the lyrics to Twisted Sister songs during my rampage. (