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Metal Kid is undoubtedly the most metal motherfucker alive. However, we talked about how he presents himself and it just doesn't do his metalosity justice. Think about it; he's quite, wears bland flannel shirts, death metal T-shirts, and faded jeans. That's no way for someone as metal as him to present himself. He doesn't even have any kind of announcement when he walks into a room. That's just not right. Therefore, we have decided on the correct way he should carry himself. He needs a wardrobe change and a metal fucking entourage. First up, the clothes. Death metal T-shirts and jeans are okay for the average rocker, but Metal Kid deserves so much more. That's why we this he should be draped in nothing but raccoon hides. Bloody, freshly-killed raccoon hides. He'd, of course, have to kill all the raccoons himself. With his metal teeth. Also, speaking of teeth, he should file his teeth into points, because that's more metal. He should also pour a gallon of blood on his head. Now that's some metal fucking attire. Next, there has to be some way for him to make his presence known wherever he goes. He can't just quietly enter a room; no, he has to be announced. However, it would be tough to come up with unique announcements all the time for every place he goes. Then, we had the perfect solution: get Edgar Winter to follow him around 24 hours a day, wailing on the guitar. You may think that we could find someone better to play guitar solos behind him, like Yngwie Malmsteen or even Johnny Winter, but just remember this: Edgar Winter is a fucking albino. What do you have to say about that, bitch? That's pretty good, but not enough. He also has to glow and set the atmosphere. That's why we have to get two vultures, dress them up in suits of vulture-armor, and train them. To do what, you ask? Well, one to hold a spotlight that shines on Metal Kid, and one to hold a smoke machine, and then they'll circle above him. That's a lot better, but one thing is still missing. Metal Kid needs a midget in a troll costume to scurry front of him, holding a fan to fake sure Metal Kid's drape always blows in the wind. Now it's fucking perfect. If Metal Kid would follow through with all of this, he would definitely be the most metal motherfucker alive and everyone would know it. |