I'm pretty sure the makers of this movie are confusing ventriloquists for other spokesmen for the celibate: mimes.  Mimes are the quiet ones; ventriloquists never shut up.  They're always doing that gay little puppet voice.  Why is a movie about gay little puppet voices called Dead Silence?  Well, to find out, we only have to watch the commercial that we've all seen about 500 times at this point.  Here's the obligatory and extremely annoying creepy-children's-nursery-rhyme and also the movie's catch phrase:

Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
If you see her, do not scream
Or she'll rip your tongue out at the seam

That's some fucking Shakespeare right there!  Holy iambic pentameter!  Dear screenwriter of Dead Silence - stop letting your kids write dialogue for you.  It reads like a bad rap a middle-aged white businessman wrote about market shares for a conference.  Some lines have way to many words and the whole thing flows like concrete through sand.  And this is your catch phrase?  Booooooo.

Why does she want to rip people's tongues out?  That's no way to make friends, Mary Shaw!  So she wants everyone silent. And then dead.  Wheeee.  Apparently, the people in this movie hate that gay little puppet voice as much as I do, because they cut out her tongue and killed her for eating a little boy or something.  I don't know why they cut out her tongue for eating a little boy, but there you go.  Premise!  Yes!

Apparently this lady had 100 creepy puppets and was buried with them.  That's stupid.  If I were back there, I'd set the puppets on fire, not give them back to her.  That's just begging for them to come to life and attack people.  But this is all beside the point.  This movie is made by the people who did Saw.  One of the puppets looks exactly like that talking puppet thing from Saw.  I guess the producers or whatever are really proud of that doll because one of the puppets in this movie looks exactly like it.  Brilliant!
 

Yeah dude, way to re-use props!

Anyway, this movie gets bonus points from me for being a horror movie about evil puppets.  However, those bonus points are then deducted and then some since the movie is not a new Puppet Master movie.  Also, I'm taking away more points since I can't find even one mention of tits being in this movie.  What the fuck is wrong with horror movies these days?  Back in the 80's and early 90's, you couldn't see a horror movie without titties in it.  And I'm not talking about crappy straight-to-video B movies, I'm talking about stuff with a budget that was actually shown in theaters.  I can't tell you the last time I saw a new horror movie with tits in it, or even a fully-clothed dyke-out scene.  I mean what the fuck?  Get your shit together, Hollywood!  No one wants to sit through an hour and a half of Mr. Peepers running around pulling people's tongues out unless they're at least going to see a little nip.  And while we're talking about this movie's many inevitable flaws, the ghost of a ventriloquist?  A ventriloquist?!  I guess you're way too chicken-shitted to make the bad guy ghost a little scarier, like a magician or an evil landscaper or maybe a possessed tricycle forged in the fiery pits of hell, but a ventriloquist?  No one's afraid of a person whose special talent is talking funny.  Would you be afraid if, oh I don't know, Michael Winslow went on a murderous rampage and he killed you by making sound effects?  I don't think so.  I mean yeah, puppets are creepy, but not when the mastermind behind them is someone that probably worked at Starbucks during the day to support her insane voice-throwing hobby.  So I'm taking more bonus points away for that.  After totaling up the bonus points I gave you for creepy puppets and subtracting everything you deserve for failing, this movie gets a rating of Negative Triangle.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure it's safe to skip this crap.  Let me know when they make a movie about a lawnmower possessed by the spirit of an angry housewife.  I'll watch that.  At least there will probably be gratuitous tit shots since bare breasts go great with bored housewife.

GENERAL STUPIDITY
BAD MOVIES
BAD TV
BAD MUSIC
BAD COMMERCIALS
STUPID CELEBRITIES

HOME
REPLY ALL DEAD POOL
OLD GARBAGE

EMAIL