_ ____. . .Way to
make Jessica Alba's amazing ass invisible. We appreciate it.
FANTASTIC FOUR
First
of all, let me just say that I never read the comic book. When I was
a kid, I thought "Fantastic Four" was a really gay name for a team of
super heroes so I never bothered with it. There have been a lot of
fairly good comic book movies out over the last few years and one fucking
awesome one (Sin City in case you were wondering), but it looks
like this is the movie to finish the job The Incredible Hulk
started of returning comic book movies to their original
quality of suck. I've seen a couple previews for this in the
theater, and all of them make this movie out to be filled with stupid
characters and stupid humor and Dr. Doom looks like a frail little pussy.
And I'm 100% convinced that the only reason this was made is so a toy
company could paint it's Hulk Hands orange, call them Thing Hands, change
"RARRR SMASH!!!" to "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!!!", and unload the warehouse
full of those toys that no one fucking bought. That's why this movie
looks like it was thrown together at the last minute, except for the
special effects, which is the only thing anyone focuses on anymore.
And in case you don't believe me about the toy thing, check this shit out:
What's the fucking difference (except that the kid on the right looks like
he's inbred)? You're not fooling anyone, toy company.
So don't see this
movie because it's going to be terrible. But you don't need me to
tell you it's terrible; that's the kind of knowledge everyone is innately
born with. But you'll see it anyway for some reason, probably
because you're a comic book geek and want to see it just to complain about
it, maybe only half realizing that you're paying $8-10 to do something you
do all day for free anyway: complain. And any super hero that
can't come up with a better name than "Mr. Fantastic" is a total
egotistical dicknose and will
force the movie about him to be utter shit. Seriously, "Mr.
Fantastic?" Does he wake up every morning and stand naked in
front of the mirror saying, "You're perfect. You are wonderful.
Men want to be you. Women want you inside them. You're a
winner. You're the best around?" He could have been Stretch Guy or Bendy
Man or My-Super-Power-Is-Gay-Boy. Any of those would have been better.
STOP MAKING MOVIES ABOUT SHITTY SUPER HEROES, AND IF YOU IGNORE
THAT, THE EFFECTS LOOK OK BUT WE CAN STILL TELL THAT THE MOVIE SUCKED
ASS. Well, some of us can. The rest of you are too busy eating
paint chips and shitting yourselves to know what's good and what's bad, and
you people should be melted into puddles of stupid and flushed down the
foulest toilet in the country. IT'S YOUR FAULT THEY KEEP MAKING
THESE CRAPPY MOVIES, STOP PAYING TO SEE THEM!!!
First
of all, let me just say that I never read the comic book. When I was
a kid, I thought "Fantastic Four" was a really gay name for a team of
super heroes so I never bothered with it. There have been a lot of
fairly good comic book movies out over the last few years and one fucking
awesome one (Sin City in case you were wondering), but it looks
like this is the movie to finish the job The Incredible Hulk
started of returning comic book movies to their original
quality of suck. I've seen a couple previews for this in the
theater, and all of them make this movie out to be filled with stupid
characters and stupid humor and Dr. Doom looks like a frail little pussy.
And I'm 100% convinced that the only reason this was made is so a toy
company could paint it's Hulk Hands orange, call them Thing Hands, change
"RARRR SMASH!!!" to "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!!!", and unload the warehouse
full of those toys that no one fucking bought. That's why this movie
looks like it was thrown together at the last minute, except for the
special effects, which is the only thing anyone focuses on anymore.
And in case you don't believe me about the toy thing, check this shit out:
