Just what the world
needs, another romantic comedy by an ex-Saturday Night Live cast member
desperately trying to have a successful acting career after quitting the
show. To add insult to injury, this movie is trying to cash in on
all rabid Red Sox fans' uncontrollable urge to support all things Red Sox.
That's why I think this movie came out too late. They won the world
series last year against the space monkeys in an epic battle on the moon,
or whatever the fuck happens in baseball. The makers of this movie
may have missed the boat on the Boston Red Sox craze, but this movie will
still make like $100 million at the box office because people think Drew
Barrymore can act. Plus, people loved Taxi, and that's just
inexcusable, so you know they're going to flock to every movie Jimmy
Fallon's cock is in until they're mouths fall off of it. Back to
Drew Barrymore, though; she has, quite possibly, the most annoying voice
ever. Hearing her talk is like listening to the teacher from Ferris
Beuller read Ikea instructions backwards while sitting in a giant empty
dumpster. She can't act for shit and she doesn't take her top off
anymore.
Here's what's going to
happen in the movie. Drew Barrymore can't get a boyfriend because
all she does is type away on her iBook. Then, pre-baseball season,
she meets Jimmy Fallon and think he's great. He doesn't mind that
she works constantly and sounds like Johnny 5 before he malfunctioned, and
she doesn't mind that he's a total pussy. Yes, he's a total pussy-
that is, until baseball season. Then he goes through a near
Incredible Hulk-like change into a raving lunatic Red Sox fan just like
every other chowder-loving Bostonian. So they're relationship is all
la-di-da, save for an awkward moment or two (see picture, left), until he
takes her to opening day, makes an ass out of himself, and has an awkward
drunken moment with a slutty Red Sox girl. Then Drew Barrymore
catches him and leaves him and it'll be a big misunderstanding and the
movie will cut to a sad montage of crappy depressing department store
music where they show the two of them being depressed and doing things
alone. It'll last too long, and then Jimmy Fallon, with the help of
his wacky best friend (probably played by someone else from Saturday Night
Live) helps him concoct a wacky overly-complicated plan to win her back.
When said plan defies the laws of physics and works, he and Drew Barrymore
will get married at home plate of Fenway Field. Then all the guys in
the theater wake up and go home with their girlfriends for some
post-sappy-movie-sex, which is why they went to see the movie in the first
place. I know I'm right and I hope one of the assholes that writes
these movies is reading this right now, and after some soul searching and
a resolution to stop making the same fucking movie over and over again,
gets back to making movies about badass jungle commandos killing aliens,
mutant apes, and robots with a bow and arrow and exploding nunchucks in
order to save an orphanage from the Germans.
A year from now,
everybody will forget the movie ever existed until one day when Comedy
Central decides to play it 13 times a week for two months straight.
Just what the world
needs, another romantic comedy by an ex-Saturday Night Live cast member
desperately trying to have a successful acting career after quitting the
show. To add insult to injury, this movie is trying to cash in on
all rabid Red Sox fans' uncontrollable urge to support all things Red Sox.
That's why I think this movie came out too late. They won the world
series last year against the space monkeys in an epic battle on the moon,
or whatever the fuck happens in baseball. The makers of this movie
may have missed the boat on the Boston Red Sox craze, but this movie will
still make like $100 million at the box office because people think Drew
Barrymore can act. Plus, people loved Taxi, and that's just
inexcusable, so you know they're going to flock to every movie Jimmy
Fallon's cock is in until they're mouths fall off of it. Back to
Drew Barrymore, though; she has, quite possibly, the most annoying voice
ever. Hearing her talk is like listening to the teacher from Ferris
Beuller read Ikea instructions backwards while sitting in a giant empty
dumpster. She can't act for shit and she doesn't take her top off
anymore.
Here's what's going to
happen in the movie. Drew Barrymore can't get a boyfriend because
all she does is type away on her iBook. Then, pre-baseball season,
she meets Jimmy Fallon and think he's great. He doesn't mind that
she works constantly and sounds like Johnny 5 before he malfunctioned, and
she doesn't mind that he's a total pussy. Yes, he's a total pussy-
that is, until baseball season. Then he goes through a near
Incredible Hulk-like change into a raving lunatic Red Sox fan just like
every other chowder-loving Bostonian. So they're relationship is all
la-di-da, save for an awkward moment or two (see picture, left), until he
takes her to opening day, makes an ass out of himself, and has an awkward
drunken moment with a slutty Red Sox girl. Then Drew Barrymore
catches him and leaves him and it'll be a big misunderstanding and the
movie will cut to a sad montage of crappy depressing department store
music where they show the two of them being depressed and doing things
alone. It'll last too long, and then Jimmy Fallon, with the help of
his wacky best friend (probably played by someone else from Saturday Night
Live) helps him concoct a wacky overly-complicated plan to win her back.
When said plan defies the laws of physics and works, he and Drew Barrymore
will get married at home plate of Fenway Field. Then all the guys in
the theater wake up and go home with their girlfriends for some
post-sappy-movie-sex, which is why they went to see the movie in the first
place. I know I'm right and I hope one of the assholes that writes
these movies is reading this right now, and after some soul searching and
a resolution to stop making the same fucking movie over and over again,
gets back to making movies about badass jungle commandos killing aliens,
mutant apes, and robots with a bow and arrow and exploding nunchucks in
order to save an orphanage from the Germans.