This movie started off sounding like it had a lot of promise since it was a comedy about a guy in a fat suit. Then I found out it's basically a romantic comedy that is rated PG-13.  The PG-13 rating alone tells me that this will suck hard, not to mention the "romantic" part. Without the R, the filmmakers are basically admitting, "Yeah, we suck.  We could have put something actually funny in here, but our gaping vaginas wouldn't let us.  Instead, we threw in a couple bonks to the head and gave the movie an overall heart-warmingly fuzzy feel. And yes, before you even get the chance to ask, you may now punch me in the neck."  With a PG-13 rating, there will not be a scene where the guy in the fat suit takes a huge, loud shit and destroys a toilet.  There will not be random, pointless (yet awesome) nudity, which is a sure fire way to almost make up for the whole romantic comedy thing. There will also never be a scene where the fat guy wakes up in an alley after a night of drinking umbrella drinks and dancing badly covered in blood with human fingers in his mouth.  Actually, that scene has never been in any movie, ever. What is wrong with you Hollywood people?  What are you waiting for?  In all of the movies about fat people you've made, there isn't one where the guy is so fat he can't stop eating people when drunk?  What the hell is wrong with you?

So here's the movie.  Ryan Reynolds was a fat kid.  Like all fat kids, the closest he could ever come to getting laid is being the best friend of a moderately hot girl who unfortunately thought of him more as a big sister than a saddle.  Ten years or so later, he comes back to town after dropping all his weight to nail his old best friend since his therapist says it's the only way he'll stop fucking obsessing over her.  When he gets back to town, she's being constantly wooed by some pussy with a guitar and a book of Dave Matthews song lyrics.  He also has a crazy girl obsessed over him, but I think that whole plot device is there for "comedy."  (Comedy is in quotes because none of it will ever make you laugh no matter how hard it tries.) He tries getting into her pants over and over, but keeps fucking up because, although he's hot now, the awkwardness of being 400 pounds carried over into his adult life.  He will eventually get the girl in the end though, and probably without the help of an elaborate and wacky prank on the minstrel pussy to get rid of the competition.  And probably without any date rape, either.  The end.

This movie basically takes the 80's approach to romantic comedies, as in "nerd wants girl, girl will only be friends with nerd because she wants the asshole jock for superficial reasons, jock treats girl like shit because girl is fucking retarded, nerd takes off glasses and rips sleeves off shirt to transform into a stud through series of musical montages, nerd beats jock in skiing competition, nerd gets girl and they have awkward yet oddly satisfying sex."

The whole point of this movie is it's a romantic comedy that tries to trick guys into actually wanting to see it. They throw some wacky slapstick in there to make you think you're watching it because you want to as opposed to watching it just because you know you'll get some poon in your car behind the supermarket afterwards.  However, the filmmakers probably fail at this and they fail miserably.  Yeah, the commercials will make you think it's going to be hilarious, but the PG-13 rating is a red flag which tells every guy still in possession of his genitals that he will be lucidly staring at an endearing/boring love story with the occasional pie-in-the-face for an hour and a half, and all guys know that if they really wanted to get laid that badly they can go rent a hooker, and then at least you'll have someone to punch later and no one will care.  Besides, if your friends catch you fucking a hooker, the worst they'll do is give you a high five and make VD-related jokes about your night of paid sex for the next three years.  However, if they catch you watching Just Friends, well, you're probably better off moving far away to start over under an assumed name because you will never live that shit down.

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