________ _______________________________________. . .Spies
Like Us was great.
MR. & MRS. SMITH
Want
to know exactly what happens in this movie? It's fucking obvious,
but I'm going to tell you anyway just because I know there are a handful
of retards out there shoveling pudding into their mouths and masturbating
to Photoshopped nude pictures of Hilary Duff and her mutant sister that want to see this
movie and be totally blown away by it and I want to ruin it for them. Basically,
Mr. and Mrs. Smith have a dull, uneventful marriage, the kind where they
eat dinner, ask about each other's day, then go to bed and have missionary
sex in the dark once a week and go right to sleep, with the occasional
blow job after a few glasses of wine. Then they wake up and don't
talk to each other, living in utter contempt for their spouse. But, and here's the twisted kick in
the face the movie gives, they're both secretly - make sure you sit down for this -
INTERNATIONAL ASSASSINS!!! HOLY SHIT!!!1!111!!!1
I THINK THE SHOCK OF THIS SURPRISE JUST MADE ME SOIL MYSELF!!!
And neither one knows about the other's wild life of contract murder and
espionage. Now that, my friends, is a fucking premise that has never
been done before. Then, in some wacky turn of events, they're both
assigned to assassinate each other, and they find out that they're married
to their targets right before they blow each other's brains all over the
guy standing next to each of them. Wow, that's wacky. Then
there's about an hour of crappy "mind games" (mind games in quotes because
it's just lots of pointless dialogue between the two of them in between
punches that amounts
to "I KICK YOU IN THE FACE!! WHO'S YOUR
DADDY?!" "HA!! WELL I KARATE-CHOP YOUR
BALLS!! NOW WHO'S THE DADDY?! Uh, I mean, mommy, or
something... YEAH!!") and then there's a bunch of stuff exploding and
random people getting caught in the crossfire thrown in at precise
moments when everyone in the theater begins dozing off or thinking about
sandwiches. But don't forget tons of ROPE-SWINGING ACTION!!!
Then Vince Vaughn
pops into the movie to eat Spaghetti O's in his bath robe and motivate Mr.
Smith to shoot his cunt wife in the face. After another montage of
things exploding in between witty action banter, Mr. and Mrs. Smith decide to put their differences
behind them, team up to form the double threat to end all double-threats,
and then kill Adam Brody for some reason, probably because his hair was
trying to take over Europe. The end. Or is it? Then they
go home and either kill Vince Vaughn or he kills them because they want
out. Something like
that. Who cares?
Want
to know exactly what happens in this movie? It's fucking obvious,
but I'm going to tell you anyway just because I know there are a handful
of retards out there shoveling pudding into their mouths and masturbating
to Photoshopped nude pictures of Hilary Duff and her mutant sister that want to see this
movie and be totally blown away by it and I want to ruin it for them. Basically,
Mr. and Mrs. Smith have a dull, uneventful marriage, the kind where they
eat dinner, ask about each other's day, then go to bed and have missionary
sex in the dark once a week and go right to sleep, with the occasional
blow job after a few glasses of wine. Then they wake up and don't
talk to each other, living in utter contempt for their spouse. But, and here's the twisted kick in
the face the movie gives, they're both secretly - make sure you sit down for this -
INTERNATIONAL ASSASSINS!!! HOLY SHIT!!!1!111!!!1
I THINK THE SHOCK OF THIS SURPRISE JUST MADE ME SOIL MYSELF!!!
And neither one knows about the other's wild life of contract murder and
espionage. Now that, my friends, is a fucking premise that has never
been done before. Then, in some wacky turn of events, they're both
assigned to assassinate each other, and they find out that they're married
to their targets right before they blow each other's brains all over the
guy standing next to each of them. Wow, that's wacky. Then
there's about an hour of crappy "mind games" (mind games in quotes because
it's just lots of pointless dialogue between the two of them in between
punches that amounts
to "I KICK YOU IN THE FACE!! WHO'S YOUR
DADDY?!" "HA!! WELL I KARATE-CHOP YOUR
BALLS!! NOW WHO'S THE DADDY?! Uh, I mean, mommy, or
something... YEAH!!") and then there's a bunch of stuff exploding and
random people getting caught in the crossfire thrown in at precise
moments when everyone in the theater begins dozing off or thinking about
sandwiches. But don't forget tons of ROPE-SWINGING ACTION!!!
