I have decided to review these two movies together.  Why?  Because the second Silent Night, Deadly Night is basically a clip show for the first movie.  If I were to review these two movies separately, it would be really fucking redundant.  So, I'll review them one at a time, starting with Silent Night, Deadly Night Part I.

Silent Night, Deadly Night is the touching story of a young lad named Billy.  First, he meets this crazy motherfucking Grandpa with his family, and ol' Gran-pappy tells Billy to be afraid of Santa Claus. Then, the family leaves to go home.  It's Christmas Eve, and a guy in a Santa outfit flags them down. They get out to help him, being Santa and all, and surprise, surprise, dude has a gun, shoots Billy's dad in the face, rips Billy's mom's shirt off for a tittie shot about two minutes into the movie, and Billy runs off and hides in a ditch like a pussy.  Oh, and he leaves his baby brother Ricky in the car, screaming.  Screaming constantly.  Drunken Santa Slayer guy flips out for a while and the scene ends.

Fast forward a couple years.  Billy and Ricky live at an orphanage in the middle of fucking nowhere. Their cruel master orphan-watcher lady is Mother Superior, a cunt-ass fucking nun that likes to "PUNISH!!!!" the children when they're "NAUGHTY!!!!"  She also says ridiculous nun-type stuff like "Punishment is absolute."  Look at her.  She needs ass.  Anyway, there's another nun working at the orphanage named Sister Mary (that name smacks of creativity), and she always sticks up for Billy when he flips out at Christmas time.  In case you haven't already guessed, he hates Christmas because Santa killed and raped his parents.  Mother Superior isn't having any of this shit, so she beats the fuck out of him when he draws Santa getting killed and whatnot.

At one point, Billy hears moaning and groaning, goes to investigate, and sees two orphans fucking each other's brains out.  Mother Superior catches them and beats the shit out of them with a belt. Then she tells Billy that they were being "very, very naughty" and that "when we are naughty, we are punished."  Blah blah blah blah blah righteous bullshit blah blah blah.

Fast forward to Billy's 18th birthday.  Conveniently at Christmas time.  Holy plot device, Batman!  Billy moves out of the orphanage (but to nowhere in particular apparently; I guess the writer forgot about that minor detail, either that or he thinks that all orphans should be homeless) and gets a job in the worst fucking toy store ever as the store's Santa.  See where this is going?  Yeah, Billy hates Santa for killing his parents and now he is dressed like the thing he hates.

They're having a Christmas party after hours, get fucking loaded, and Billy wanders into the back room where some douche is practically raping this other bitch he works with.  The psycho switch in Billy's brain gets flipped to "on" and he kills the would-be rapist (after very radly screaming "PUNISH!!!!"). Naturally, the girl he just saved screams at him and starts slapping him (because all girls are fucking insane) so Billy kills her (and says, again radly, "NAUGHTY!!!!!!").  From this point in the movie forward, Billy only says "PUNISH!!!!," "NAUGHTY!!!!!!," or some variation on that. Then he kills the store owner with a hammer in the bean.  Then he kills the lights (bum-bum, pshh) and kills some other woman that works there with a toy bow and arrow.  Yes, this toy store sells deadly weapons.  Fucking sweet!  Now that Billy's out of the store, it's time for a blood-thirsty, kill-crazy rampage.

The scene cuts to two of the biggest weenie bastards in the world trying to go sledding in the woods.  Surprise, surprise, two bullies (who are equally lame, but bigger) steal their sleds because bullies like sledding too.  One goes down the hill, yelling like a douche, and gets to the bottom.  The other bully starts to get scared (because he's an enormous vagina), so the first one calls him a pussy.  Then, bully #2 goes down, but something goes wrong; dead wrong.  Billy comes out of nowhere and chops the kid's head off with an axe, mid-sledding.  He comes out of nowhere, screams "PUNISH!!!!!" and chops the motherfucker's head off.  Then the head rolls down the hill to the other bully's feet, and he screams like a bitch.

Some girl and a dude are half naked on top of a pool table in the girl's house.  She hears something, assumes it's the cat, and runs outside with no shirt on the get said cat.  Billy comes in, she struggles, he yells "NAUGHTY!!!!!" and then in one of the coolest scenes ever he impales her on a deer's antlers that were mounted to the wall.  Then the dude "Who looks a lot like Luke from Dukes of Hazzard) comes up to investigate and get his rocks off.  He finds his bitch hanging from a deer head, fights with Billy, and then Billy throws him out a window.

By this point, the cops are aware of the killing spree and are looking to arrest Santa.  They piss and moan about how it's Christmas Eve, and then they spot a Santa climbing through a second floor window.  They break into the house and arrest some little girl's dad in a Santa outfit because they're fucking retards.  Meanwhile, Billy is hiding in ditches as cop cars pass him on the road.  He might be insane, but at least he's not stupid.

Cut to the orphanage.  As per usual, Mother Superior is being a sloppy cunt-rag.  The cops figure out (with a tip from Sister Mary because these cops are stupid), that Billy's heading for the orphanage to kill Mother Superior since she sucks.  The cops arrive, see a Santa, scream stop, and then kill the dude.  Guess what?  They fucked up again, because it was the deaf groundkeeper.  HA HA HA HA!!!  Mother Superior bitches at him, locks the kids inside, and the cop goes on patrol.  What does he find?  An axe in the gut.  Then he falls down some stairs in a shed.  I don't know why this shed has stairs, but it does. Steep stairs.  So now the cop's dead.

Ricky, Billy's brother, let's him in, Mother Superior flips her bitchy shit, and then Billy gets killed by the cop who should be dead.  I think.  Oh, not before Mother Superior start spewing some bullshit about punishing Billy.  What a fucking bitch.  She's about to get axed in the face and she's still spouting her naughty bullshit.  What a bitch.

As Billy's corpse is lying on the ground, Ricky walks over to him and stares at his body for a while.  Then he looks at the camera (who I'm assuming is supposed to be Mother Superior) and scream "NAUGHTY!!!!"  The End.

Obviously, this movie kicks your fucking ass and lays eggs in your groin.  However, as you're about to find out, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 shits on this movie so bad that it will make your head explode and your insides sad.  Brace yourself, and head on to Part 2: The Reason for the Sequel Handicap...