Let me start off by saying that, yes, I'm going to give away lots of stuff in this movie.  However, only Star Wars fans will give a shit and if you're a Star Wars fan you already know everything that happens in the movie anyway, so don't email me complaining that I ruined the movie for you.  If anyone ruined this movie, it's George Lucas.

A lot of people have been waiting about 25 years for this movie to come out (and as much as I feel like a tool for saying it, I'm one of them).  George Lucas knows this and shits on all these people while laughing all the way to the bank.  This movie is awful.  Awful dialogue, awful acting, and every robot talks like a fucking cartoon character.  To be fair, it was probably the best out of the recent three.  To be even fairer, that doesn't count because all three of them are horrible.  I want my money back.

There is so much wrong with this movie that I don't even know where to begin, and I am not exaggerating at all. Also, when I went to see it, the air conditioner was turned off about halfway through the movie, so by the end it was about 95 degrees and the whole theater stank of unbathed-nerd sweat.  While George Lucas had nothing to do with the temperature while I was watching the movie, I'm still going to say that it's all his fault.  I can do that, because fuck him.  The entire film was George Lucas masturbating on his special effects team instead of working on the script.  My theory is he punched all of his kids in the face a few times, gave them a bottle of whiskey, and told them to start writing dialogue.  Actually, now that I think about it, they probably would have done a better job.  The movie starts with a space battle that could be pretty cool, but it's ruined by tiny robots makes goofy, annoying noises, ruining a perfectly good scene.  Damn every robot in the movie.

It's safe to say that everyone in the universe hates Jar Jar Binks.  Lucas heard the complaints and Jar Jar Binks does not say one word the entire movie.  I know what you're thinking, and yes, that is a good thing.  But since there was no retard for comic relief in the movie anymore, Lucas decided to make every fucking robot a wise-cracking, clumsy fucking goofball. Hooray for comic relief.  Comedy relief is bad.  Comedy relief is something an asshole will stick in his non-comedy movie to make people who love flashy lights and shiny tinfoil laugh. Instead of a sex-depraved nerd raiding the girls' bunk for panties - with hilarious result - in a summer camp movie, the comedy relief in a non-comedy movie is always a character you hate more than anyone else.  In this movie, that character is every fucking robot in it.  Every one of them.  Every time one of the annoying little peon robots gave an order or received an order, they made some stupid smartass comment.  I have a question: why would you program your robots to be fucking smartasses?  What is the fucking point of that?  And when a robot gets shot in the face, why would the robot say "AH!!! MY EYES!!"?  It's a fucking ROBOT!  They can't feel pain, and they don't even have eyes.  Want to know how bad all of the robots really were?  I know I already brought up a Short circuit reference last week, but I'm going to again because it's too appropriate to not mention it.  Imagine an entire battalion of Johnny 5's.  Now give them lasers.  That's exactly what the robots were like in this movie.  It got to the point where I was waiting for a robot to slip on a banana peel, have a bucket drop on his head, and then say, "BEEP BEEP!  Who turned out the lights?"  And their voices.  My god, their voices.  Every one of them sounded like a retarded cartoon character talking through a voice changer, like the Optimus Prime voice changer I had when I was 6 that made you sound like you were screaming into a desk fan.  Fucking annoying.

Speaking of robots, let's talk about R2D2.  In the beginning of the movie, R2D2 is cornered by two smartass robots.  Being that it's a trash can on wheels, there's not much it can do to defend itself.  Wrong.  George Lucas decided to give R2D2 the ability to shit oil all over the place.  Yeah.  Then he uses his rocket boosters to set it on fire.  Also, he has a hand that comes out of the front of him.  Why?  He didn't have any of that shit in the first three movies.  Did he forget about them?  I can't remember one time during the old movies where he shat oil, flew around, or had a hand pop out of him.  All he had was his robot penis that plugged into every fucking computer in the universe.  Here's a hint, bad guys: stop putting robo-vaginas in your computers because R2D2 is just going to jam his robo-wang into them and fuck your shit up.

C3P0 doesn't really talk in this movie, and that's a good thing because everybody hates him.  I was watching some show on the Discovery Channel earlier this week about crazy scientists trying to invent stuff you see in Star Wars movies, like flying cars and one guy trying to make a fucking light saber, and it was hosted by the asshole that does C3P0.  Why him? I'll tell you why: because he sucks and everyone knows he needs work.

One of the main bad guys in the first half of the movie was this robot general guy.  Apparently the one bad guy from the last movie taught him the secrets of the Jedi arts, which means he can twirl around four light sabers at once.  Whee.  This battle between him and Obi Wan could have been cool, but it wasn't because robots in Star Wars are completely inept retards compared to the robots in good movies, like Terminator. Anyway, this robot coughed and wheezed the entire time he was on screen.  Why does a robot have to cough?  That's fucking stupid.  Eventually we see that this guy has lungs and a heart.  Newsflash, Lucas: robots don't have lungs.  No amount of light saber twirling will cover up the fact that a robot has to breathe.  That's fucking stupid. He's constantly struggling for air, but when he blows out the window to his spaceship and jumps out, it doesn't seem to bother him that there's no air out there.  Luca, if for whatever stupid fucking reason you want a robot to have lungs and be able to breathe, you probably shouldn't let him fly around in outer space and not die like everything with lungs does when out of air.  I know you think we're all retarded (and unfortunately you're arguably right), but we're still going to notice that the breathing robot suddenly doesn't need to breathe anymore and everything's cool.  Fucking bullshit.

The Wookies.  There was only one reason for the Wookies to be in this movie, and that is so Chewbacca could be in it for three seconds.  That's all you see him for.  When Yoda runs away from the Wookie planet, he says, "Goodbye Blarknar Wookietastic, Goodbye Chewbacca."  That's it.  That's the only time he's in the movie, yet all of the advertisements out featuring Star Wars would have you believe differently because Chewbacca's in every fucking one of them. This battle could've been cool too, but they hardly showed any of it and it really served no purpose (which is exactly how much purpose most of the scenes in the movie had).  Here's the deal with the Wookies, Lucas: the only reason people didn't really hate them before was because everyone hates the Ewoks much, much more.  If the Wookies did a little dance in this movie (and I'm surprised they didn't), they'd be even in how much everyone hates them.

In this movie, all the Jedi get killed except for Obi Wan and Yoda.  All their deaths are glossed over to the point where someone could have said, "Oh, and by the way, all the Jedi that you might have heard speak once or twice or not at all are dead now," and it would've been almost the same.  Even when Skywalker kills all the little kid Jedi-in-training, you hardly see any of it and it was the perfect opportunity to see annoying kids getting chopped in half.  Instead, we get to see about 20 minutes worth of scenes of Natalie Portman crying and trying not to suck at acting.  She's hot, but she fucking sucks to the point where I hate her.  She dies during child berth at the end of the movie, and the annoying robo-doctor says (exactly like this), "There is... no-thing... wrong with HER, it IS AS if... she...has lost... THE will to live."  So basically she dies because she's depressed. Boo fucking hoo.  You shouldn't be surprised because all Skywalker did in the last two movies was cry, especially in this one.  He cries when the council won't make him a master. He cries when he kills Count Dooku when rescuing Palpentine because he was unarmed.  He cries when he has nightmares about Natalie Portman dying during child birth, he cries when Obi Wan ruins his shit, he cries when he's Darth Vader, he cries when he kills the leaders of the robot army, he cries when Obi Wan and Natalie Portman say he's evil, he cries after he almost chokes her to death and he starts fighting Obi Wan on lava world, cries, cries, cries the whole fucking movie.  What a pussy.  In fact, the only reason he goes to the dark side in the first place is because he's a pussy and doesn't want Natalie Portman to die.

You know how the Emperor in Return of the Jedi looked all old and wrinkly and decrepit?  Yeah, well he doesn't look like that because he's old, and here's why.  When Samuel L. Jackson goes to arrest him, they get into a light saber fight.  And for a minutes, you think to yourself, "Hey, this is kind of cool."  It's about then that Lucas decides to ruin it.  Palpentine starts shooting lightning bolts out of his fingers and Samuel L. Jackson catches the bolts with his light saber and somehow sends it back to him.  Or something, I'm not really sure. All I know is that there's a light saber and some lightning, and Palpentine is screaming, "I can't hold on much longer" or some shit like that, trying to get Skywalker to help him.  Oh, and apparently the lightning is melting his face.  Then Palpentine let's go and the lightning stops. Now, if he was shooting the lightning that was melting his face, why the fuck did he whine instead of stopping the lightning?  What the fuck?  It was melting his face, and I'm sure that fucking hurt.  Fucking stupid.  Then Skywalker cuts off Samuel L. Jackson's hands and Palpentine zaps the shit out of him right out the window. That bothers me, not just because the Emperor melted his own face for no reason, but because in the first two movies, Samuel L. Jackson does nothing.  At all.  Then, when he finally starts fighting for real, he gets his shit ruined pretty easily.  You think he's going to be all crazy and badass but he turns out to be a total pussy. Weak.

The fight between Skywalker and Obi Wan is pretty shitty too.  See the picture on the left?  That's what 90% of it looked like.  Bright and annoying.  Try watching it on a giant screen in the dark.  It's fucking blinding. Their fight is ridiculous and magically destroys the industrial rig they're fighting on.  This industrial rig has probably been sitting in lava for decades, and it hasn't melted or anything.  Then, during their fight, one of them bumps into a button the must be the "make building melt" button because all of the sudden, the rig starts melting. Why?  It makes no sense.  No amount of button-pushing is going to change non-meltable metal into easily meltable metal. Doesn't happen.  So it sinks, and they start fighting while standing on flying robots.  It lasts too long, and do you want to know how it ends?  Skywalker tries jumping onto a rock that Obi Wan is standing on and Obi Wan cuts his legs off in mid-air.  Then he starts whining about how Skywalker was the chosen one and walks away.  BEFORE HE FUCKING DIES.  You goddamned subnormal asshole, finish him off.  Then Skywalker catches fire and starts melting, and then the fire that's turning him into a puddle magically goes out even though he's still three fucking inches away from the lava.  I guess that's because he's the chosen one and all chosen ones are filled with fire-retardant foam.  Oh, and then he screams in his best giant-pussy voice, "I HATE YOU!"  while crying and still kind of melting.

After the Emperor is in total evil mode and not hiding it anymore, he and Yoda get into a fight.  A fight that should've kicked ass.  A fight that should've gone on for a while.  Instead we get a fight with both sides running away with their tails between their legs.  The Emperor leaves because he "senses" that Skywalker's getting fucked up.  Yoda leaves and says "Exiled I must be. Failed I have."  Whee.  They fought in the senate room with all of the hovering pod things which was kind of a sweet looking location.  They basically sword fought each other while throwing pods around the room.  It was cool, I'll give it that.  But, and this is a big but, it was kind of ruined because the Emperor giggled like a Japanese schoolgirl the entire fucking time. Not evil, menacing cackles, I'm talking "a five-year-old looking at a Playboy" giggle.  Then he and Yoda fall pretty far and they both run away.

It was so weak.  After that, Yoda and Obi Wan meet up and talk about how they have to run and hide.  In other words, they just let the Emperor fuck up the galaxy. Obviously, it was supposed to end with the Emperor in total control and all, but it shouldn't have been this weak.  They should've tried fucking harder.  Or at least try a second time.  But no, Yoda didn't win immediately so he runs away.  Obi Wan doesn't finish off Skywalker.  He doesn't even stick around on lava land long enough to make sure he dies from being legless and on fire. What kind of Jedi are you people?

It gets even worse than the shot of him crying to the left. Skywalker gets rescued by the emperor and they start rebuilding him into Darth Vader.  It doesn't take long, and when they finish putting the helmet on him, it's dead silent and they raise him up.  No Imperial Death March.  Boo that shit. The first thing he fucking asks after being turned into a robot on a respirator is where Natalie Portman is.  The Emperor tells him that he killed her in a rage on lava world, so he starts growling and fucking up the room with the force.  I thought that was well done.  It looked good and wasn't out of place.  But, as the first hour and forty-five minutes of the movie taught us, Lucas can't do anything good without almost immediately fucking it up.  Right after that, he breaks off of the thing he's attached to and walks exactly like Frankenstein from a 30's movie. Actually, it's even funnier looking than that.  It's as if Lucas told him, "No!  Still not goofy enough!"  Then the camera goes to an above shot of Darth Vader looking up, arms spread out, and screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  Honestly, I had been holding in laughter the entire movie, trying to give it the benefit of the doubt, but when I saw him screaming like that I completely lost it.  It was unintentionally hilarious.

The movie ends with Natalie Portman giving birth to Luke and Leia, and she says their names after they pop out and she starts screaming.  Seriously, of all the graphic and violent shit they for some reason left out of the movie, what they left in was Natalie Portman pretending to have labor pains.  Here's the dialogue that happened during this, at least as far as I could tell (the theater stank like BO, it was about 110 degrees, and I was laughing too hard to pay close attention):

Natalie Portman:  AAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!! AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!  WAAAAHHHHHHRRRRHGHGHGHGHG!!!! *pop!*
Doctor-bot 2000:  It is boy or girl.
Natalie Portman:  Luke.  ....  AAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!! AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!  WAAAAHHHHHHRRRRHGHGHGHGHG!!!!  *pop!*
Doctor-bot 2000:  It is boy or girl.
Natalie Portman:  Leia.

Yes, that's right.  I am almost 100% positive that when Doctor-bot 2000 popped each kid out of Natalie Portman, he said "It is boy or girl."  If he didn't, it sure as hell fucking sounded like it.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.  Weak, isn't it?  Yoda, Obi Wan, and this douche to the left that, other than the last half hour of this movie, we've seen a total of 5 minutes in the last two movies, takes Leia because he and his wife "always wanted to adopt a girl."  Retard, make your own kid!  Jesus fucking Christ, are you that much of a pussy that you won't even pork your own wife?  Really.  This guy is such a douche.  Apparently he's the only non-stupid good guy in the Senate, so he saves Yoda and is rewarded with a brand-new baby.  Then he goes back to doing what he's good at: absolutely nothing.  I guess he started the rebel alliance or something, I don't know.  They don't show it though, so whatever.  Then Luke gets dropped off at the Skywalker igloo on Tatooine.  The end.  Seriously.

This movie should've been so much better.  I've been hearing for months about how it's so much darker and how much ass it's going to kick and blah blah blah. Well, it was darker, but it was still lame.  Also, I sat through the Phantom Menace.  I Watched Attack of the Clones. And I kept saying to myself, "Don't worry.  Lucas will fix it with the last one.  The last one has to be fucking awesome."  What a let down.  Excellent special effects do not a good movie make.  Look at Independence Day. Really amazing special effects, horrible fucking movie. This movie did not live up to any hype whatsoever and I feel cheated out of nine fucking dollars.  But there are three plus sides to it: 1) No more Star Wars movies to ruin the series even more, 2) I saw a preview for the new Batman movie which looks totally sweet, and 3) it created a new life philosophy for me.  No matter how bad anything is from now on, I can honestly say it's at least better than Star Wars Episode III.  If I ever find myself sitting in front of a movie starring Jimmy Fallon, "At least it's better than Star Wars."  When I hit rock bottom and move into the sewers, periodically emerging to prey on the over-worlders, "At least it's better than Star Wars."  When I'm diagnosed with lung cancer, "At least it's better than Star Wars."  And when robots take over the world, at least we won't have to sit through two hours of crying and half-assed kung fu fights with glow sticks that did not live up to even the most cynical of expectations.  After you finish reading this and realize you hate everything I write on my webpage, you can still say, "At least it's better than Star Wars Episode III."