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STEALTH
Know
what we need? Another horrible sci-fi movie about a renegade robot
that has become self-aware and decides to kill all humanity. 90% of
the movies that are coming out this summer are remakes of a movie that
ruled the first time and will just be ruined by idiots (yes, there is a Bad News Bears
movie coming out soon) or
a TV show from the 70's or 80's that was cool back then (I guess) and will not
transfer well to a movie (especially 20 to 30 years after the show went
off the air). Dukes of Hazzard, I'm looking at you. I don't
care how big Jessica Simpson's tits are, unless she's topless on a
mechanical bull while covered in cream cheese the entire movie, you're not
getting anyone to see it, not even the hemi and blue collar comedy loving
rednecks. Since all of the "good" remakes were
already taken this summer, the makers of Stealth decided to just take a theme that's
been done a million times already, add a jet, and call it something
stupid. Like Stealth. I'm pretty sure there's a Mad Libs
for any kind of movie you want to make.
Random
Technological Term: Stealth
Name a
government or scientific group: Air Force
Name a vehicle: fighter jet
Name a profession (plural): pilots
Name an adjective: inferior
Name an actor: Jamie Foxx
Name an actress: Jessica Biel
Name an action: out-fly
Name a verb: destroy
Name a plural noun: humanity
Title: Stealth. The Air Force
creates a robot-controlled fighter jet with advanced AI.
It becomes self-aware and targets pilots because they are
inferior. The only way to stop it is for Jamie Foxx and
Jessica Biel to out-fly it so it doesn't destroy
humanity.
And there's your
plot. I think it's funny that Jamie Foxx spent all that time and
effort blowing people so he could win an Oscar, and then he shows up in a
crappy movie written by the producer's kids while they were being beating with
a hose. In fact, lots of people star in crap after "award-winning
performances," and idiot critics don't ever mention that because said
actor's dong is in their mouths. Not that the
Oscars mean anything (since most of those movies suck balls anyway), but
you'd think they'd at least bash him for it since critics masturbate to
the academy awards. Whatever. None of them
know what the fuck they're doing, and that's why no one will make my movie
about a post-apocalyptic desert world filled with mutant hockey players
battling vampires to win possession of the oracle, which is Pauley Shore's
severed head, in order to rebuild society in a giant dome underground and
live in piece with the mole people. Fuckers.
The only people
that would enjoy this movie are people that go to air shows, and, let's
face it, no one goes to air shows because they're fucking boring. I
can think of hundreds of better things to do than sit in a parking lot and
watching smoke-shitting planes fly around in circles, and seeing a movie about planes flying around
in circles doesn't show up on the list. Cheers to another shitty movie no one
wants to watch, assholes.

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