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XXX: STATE OF THE UNION
Let me start off by
saying that I never saw the XXX with Vin Diesel either. I make it a
point to not see any spy movies unless there's a summer camp or pie-eating
contest involved. I also try not to watch any movies with Vin Diesel
in them (especially after Fast and Furious - hooray for Hondas, Acuras and
Eclipses!). I think the only reason this movie even exists is so Ice
Cube can try to revive his reputation as a badass. In case you've
just gotten back from your insane 3-year around the world blimp
expedition, here's the kind of kiddy garbage he's been putting out:

Yes, that's Ice
Cube babysitting two bastard little kids, one of which is wearing pink.
What a pussy. So now he's in some action spy movie about saving the
president or some stupid tired bullshit like that. At the beginning,
he's a prisoner (who was found guilty of the crime of... passion) but the
government breaks him out in order to save the president. This is
because the secret service is busy fighting Pandas in outer space.
And the army is having their annual picnic. The whole thing reminds
me of Bad Dudes for Nintendo. The CIA gets a hardass vigilante to
rescue the president by questioning his badness. Seriously, look:
XXX: State of the Union synopsis:
Darius Stone, a
new agent in the XXX program, is sent to Washington, DC to diffuse a
power struggle amongst national leaders and save the president of
the United States.
Bad Dudes:

Obviously Bad Dudes'
premise was much better because it incorporated ninjas. And it was a
video game where you walked around and punched people. If they're going
to rip off the plot of almost 20 year old Nintendo games, why stop at Bad
Dudes? You could probably make a kickass movie out of Bubble Bobble.

Anyway, this movie
will be every other spy/action movie ever, only without the British
people. Ice Cube will do a bunch of XTREME STUNT SHIT, fuck the
enemy's woman, and save the president. Then the bastard government
will probably send him back to jail. Oh, and there will thankfully
be a lot of explosions along the way. The end.

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