Didn't Steve Martin make this movie last year? Something about a baker's dozen or just the twelve of us or something? Why did someone decide to make it again? Were a couple of waiters from TGI Fridays sitting around the coffee table in their studio apartment after their shifts with a pad and paper saying, "If people liked a movie about a family with twelve kids, they'll fucking love a movie about 17 kids!  They'll love it so much we won't even have to give that douchebag Ashton Kutcher a call and sign him up!  Man, we're smart!  That script-writing home-correspondence course we both took is finally paying off for us big time!  I can't wait to quit waiting tables!"  Come on, assholes.  Not only has it been done before, but it was really stupid the first time around anyway.  If you people really wanted to make this movie borderline watchable, it would either be a family of hillbillies, circus folk/carnies, or mole people.

Judging by the commercials I've seen, the entire movie revolves around their pet pot-bellied pig.  I don't understand the fascination with having a pig for a pet.  Of course, I don't really like cats either, but a pig is just a little weird.  Give the family a pet monkey.  Why?  Name one thing that a monkey wouldn't make better.  I bet you can't, and if you say you can, you're lying.  Everyone could use a monkey.  You can dress them up in little monkey tuxedos, get them to run around and smack people in the ass, or teach them to smoke.  Has anyone ever taught a pot-bellied pig to smoke?  Probably not, and that's only one way a monkey is superior.

An easy way to tell if a movie is horrible is if Steve Martin has been in it and it's no more than 15 years old. Therefore, a movie based on a recent Steve Martin movie will be exponentially worse.  And you can probably guess what this waste of time is about, but I'll tell you anyway.  Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo are both divorced with too many fucking kids.  This is because they believe condoms are the devil's handiwork, and neither them nor their original spouses were smart enough to get the rhythmic method of birth control down pat since it would involve first-grade math and a calendar.  Rene Russo also adopted a bunch of her kids because she is trying to put together a traveling musical act, like the Partridge Family. Their respective spouses realize having that many children is bat shit crazy, so they get the fuck out of there.  Quaid and Russo, former high school sweethearts (man, is that gay), run into each other while out walking their kids one day, have a date, and secretly get married.  Now that the kids are forced to share one bathroom with another ten people, they decide to break the parents up to get things back to normal.  Normal, in this case, is having only 10 brothers and sisters as opposed to 17 or 18 or whatever and moving back into their house shaped like a giant shoe. Their grand scheme consists of a cow-pie fight, an elaborate system of pulleys, and putting sex videos of the parents on the internet, telling each parent that the other one was responsible.  At some point, they will also paint a white line down the middle of the house and claim sides like a bad I Love Lucy episode.  Once this plan succeeds, the kids change their minds and want the parents to stay together.  This is because kids don't know what the fuck they want which is why they're stupid.  The kids trick both parents into meeting up with each other at a water park, drug them both with roofies, and after the parents wake up naked drifting in the lazy river, they put the past behind them, get back together, and the movie ends happily with the family dining on their pet pig for Christmas.

You should probably ignore the previous paragraph because after reading it over I realized I made it sound way cooler (relatively) than the movie probably is.  Maybe if Randy Quaid was in it instead of the lesser Dennis, it would haven been... nah, it would still really suck.

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