A while ago, I was bored one day and found this website called Record Nerd.  It's a website where you can basically list all of the music you own and trade with people.  I started listing the music I could remember I owned and successfully killed about two and a half hours, and then I never touched it again.  Well, maybe once or twice, but not recently.  Anyway, it sounded good in theory: trading shit I already own for new music I want.  Then reality sat on my face and rubbed my nose in its plentiful dingle-berry fields.  Since I first made the list, I've gotten about 800 emails from people looking for one or two CD's that they want from me, and 99% of the time it's something you can find anywhere without even breaking a sweat (unless you're fat and prone to sweating), and I usually ignore them.  I never trade with these people for several reasons.  One, I'm lazy. Two, I'd have to burn the CD they want.  Third, I'd have to mail the CD's and my religious beliefs prevent me from patronizing the unholy US Postal Service just so I can mail some asshole a CD he could find in any store (you will pay, mailmen of America, you... will... PAY).  And finally, it's because the point of it is to trade CD's and almost every person that wants to trade a CD with me has a list filled with complete garbage.  I don't want Clay Aiken. I don't want the soundtrack to Annie Get Your Gun. You can shove your Celine Dion up your canuck-loving ass, you hoser. (Special note to Canadians, the proud citizens of Canadia: I don't hate you.  You make delicious maple syrup for my waffles.  Also, none of us would have any lumber for our furniture and catapults were it not for your legions of lumberjacks.  You guys rock.)  Breaking Benjamin is a shitty band with shitty songs.  I don't want your top 40 R&B, your poppy emo shit, your bottom of a toilet death metal, and if I wanted to be a vampire I'd start running around in a cape and biting people in the neck, not listening to Black Tape for a Blue Girl (kids who claim to be vampires usually love this band for some reason.  And Bauhaus).  Stop trying to use the latest Mars Volta bootleg to sway me into trading with you.  I have the first album and I never listen to it anymore for a reason.  It kind of sucks and I wish I hadn't ignored my hatred of At the Drive In when it warned me not to buy it.  So no, I don't want any more Mars Volta.  One is already too many.  And whenever I find something good in their list of aural diarrhea, guess what: I already own it.  So no trade for you. Yesterday my list must've been offering delicious candy to everyone else on Record Nerd because this morning I had about 20 emails, and I get maybe three a week.  One after another, it was utter fucking crap.  Some idiots didn't even tell me what they wanted (not that I would trade with them anyway), making me guess.  And guessing what they want from me is impossible after looking through their lists since everything they own sucks ass.  Don't believe me?  Check this shit out:

First of all, this is email was from "Steve and Sherri," and it was a hotmail account.  Steve and Sherri, hotmail is free, you don't have to share an email address.  I know these two people are the kind of sickeningly inseparable married couple that have no friends because every time they enter a room, everyone within eyesight immediately gets a mouthful of cavities. They also probably refer to each other as "Shmoopie" and "Pookie." Disgusting. Second, look at the crap on their list.  Keep in mind that this goes on for about 5 pages.  Five pages of complete fucking garbage. There are a couple good CD's in their list, but it's stuff that everybody and their grandparents own, like Black Sabbath and Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd. Everyone owns that stuff, even if they hate it.  Once you reach adulthood, the entire Jimi Hendrix collection is bestowed upon you.  Name one person that doesn't own Black Sabbath - Paranoid.  I have it and I don't even know where it came from.  One day in high school it just appeared in my stack of CD's.  If you find someone that doesn't have it, kill them immediately because they're obviously aliens in disguise that are planning to abduct you and force you to work in their acid mines. Who actually bought a 38 Special CD?  Besides these people, I mean.  Barry Manilow?  BARRY MANILOW??? Come the fuck on, people!  What do Three Doors Down, Air Supply, and Alabama have in common?  Answer: they suck and play pussy rock.  Boo that shit.  How did the Alan Parson's project survive long enough to write the amount of songs needed to warrant a greatest hits album?  I have no idea who Aaron Tippin is, but he probably sucks dirty asshole too.  And Abba has some balls to put out a greatest hits called "The Definitive Collection."  I think they're just a little too high on themselves.

Another girl emailed me last night trying to do a CD trade, and honestly she had some really good music that I wouldn't mind having.  Also, she said she'll give me twice the CD's I give her.  But there's a catch.  I would have to send her blank CD's so she could burn her stuff.  What?  Why?  What is wrong with you?  Here's what she actually said:

Unfortunately, I don't have many blanks left and I'm not able to easily get ahold of more.  So how about this:  I will burn you double the amount of CDs that you burn me, as long as you send me all the blanks needed for me to burn your cds.  For example, if you burn me 5 cds, I will burn you 10 cds as long as you send me 10 blanks along with the 5 burns.  This is great if you are easily able to get a hold of blank cds (which I am not able to do,obviously.  heh.)

She doesn't have many blank CD's left and is not able to easily get more?  How is that even possible?  I have seen spools of blank CD's for sale in fucking gas stations.  They sell blank CD spools in every drug store chain in the country. Does she live in an igloo?  Is it a 3 day dog sled ride to the nearest general store?  And if so, how would you get the package of CD's I send you in the first place?  If you're too far away from a store that sells blank CD's, I highly doubt that any mailman or UPS guy will travel all the way out to your desert island in the South Pacific to drop off your mail (goddamned mailmen - damn you!).  I also like how she had to write out an example of what the word "double" means in case I'm too stupid to figure it out for myself.  I didn't read, "I will burn you double the amount of CDs that you burn me," and think, "HOLY SHIT!!!  If I gave her 10 CD's, that'd be one, two... INFINITY CD's!!!!!  SWEET!!!!"  Thanks anyway, professor, but I know what the word "double" means since I've been speaking English for the past 25 years.  I bet she has a Power Point presentation all lined up and ready to send me in case I'm still confused.  She also says, "This is great if you are easily able to get a hold of blank cds (which I am not able to do,obviously.[sic]"  No, it's not obvious.  Why can't she find any blank CD's?  I think the only obvious thing here is that she thinks I'm retarded and wants to rob me of 10 blank CD's and five burned albums, all the while making me waste money on sending it to her house boat and then never hearing from her again.  It almost sounds like she's trying to run an Amway scam for CD-R's instead of money but forgot how to do it without fucking it all up.  I can picture her sitting at the drafting board, marveling at her glorious two-for-one blank-CD-acquiring scheme, thinking, "Wait. I'm not sure if this is how it works.  Hmm... Who am I kidding?  Of course it is!  I'm a genius!  That's why I wear this helmet, and soon I'll have enough blank CD's to create a genius throne so that ALL can bask in the glow of my powerful intellect! Now it's time to get back to my job at Taco Bell, where I plan to give customers a free taco if they make their order themselves!  Ha ha ha, I just shit my pants!"  No thanks, lady; try suckering someone else with your weak ass con (?) attempt.

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