It's no secret that people are stupid.  Most of these people also have cell phones (typically glued to their ears).  Over the last few years, more and more "products" have been advertised on TV and whatnot for gay little cell phone bells and whistles. Namely things like, "TEXT 'I M N IDIOT' TO 12345 AND GET A HILARIOUS JOKE SENT TO YOUR PHONE EVERY DAY FOR ONLY $5.99 PER JOKE!!!"  I can't imagine these companies make any money whatsoever, but they're still around so morons must be eating this shit up.  Plus, they get a new knock-knock joke every day, and they can use those jokes to be the life of the party!  You can also pay too much to get ring tones or background images and stuff, but I never see them selling what all of these people need: a swift kick in the ass.  Lately, however, I've been seeing commercials for something far worse: something called "Crazy Frog."  And it is a nightmare.

Imagine your favorite crappy techno remix of an old song.  Now imagine that the song is sped up and remade by chipmunks while this stuttering hyperactive cartoon frog-creature makes motorcycle noises in the background.  Does that sound like something you'd download on your cell phone?  Then congratulations - you're a moron!  Aside from the fact that the songs are terrible on their own, but when the frog is jamming along with them, the whole thing turns into a Nazi experiment on terrible.  It's like listening to a retarded kid sing along to every song he hears on the radio, only he has no idea how the song goes (not that it stops him from trying).

Now, as I said, this assault on your ears began as a serious of oh-so-funny ring tones that idiots paid actual money for.  In fact, these people were in such a rush to through away their money that the unholy Crazy Frog people released a series of Crazy Frog CD's, each one more terrifying than the last (I don't know if each one is more terrifying to the last since I consider them to all be equally terrifying, but it sounded good so I wrote it).  That scream you just heard probably came from you.

I shouldn't have to tell you this, but these songs are obviously the worst things you will ever hear in your lifetime.  For one thing, they're all based around shitty techno remakes of classic rock songs.  Which brings me to another point: isn't everyone sick of horrible club remakes of old songs that sucked the first time around? Didn't we already get our fill of Bryan Adams remade with a Casio keyboard and a vocoder?  Aren't we done yet?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I always thought Queen's "We Are the Champions" was missing something, but I didn't think that the thing Queen left out was horrible sequenced keyboards and a babbling frog thing; I just thought Queen left out the part that would have made the song good.  Here, see for yourself, and be forewarned - it will be the worst thing you have ever seen or heard in your life:

Man, Freddy Mercury would be rolling around in his AIDS-covered coffin if it weren't so jam-packed with dead gay. Anyway, it has now been 8 hours since you have viewed that clip, and I bet you're covered in blood right now.  That's because that video sent you into a violent unstoppable rage and you murdered everyone you could find within a 5 mile radius.  I know, the same thing happened to me.  This is because it's fucking horrible in every sense of the word.  The worst thing about this travesty is the people who actually like it.  No really, I'm as surprised as you are.  Here's a review on Amazon:
 

Reviewer:

C. Guckert "Tabi the Kat" (Pittsburgh, PA) - See all my reviews

I like Crazy Frog, he's CCRRRRAAAAZZZYYY! But this album is a bunch of remixes with the frog's noises as back-up to human vocalists. Even more so than the first album. But taking that into consideration, it's still a fun time. Just not as good as the past experience.

This guy is further proving my theory that everyone from Pennsyltucky sucks.  But you could have probably noticed that just from this genius' nickname - Tabi the Kat.  I was going to use this [hopefully a] woman as a guinea pig to see what someone who likes Crazy Frog is actually into, but [I hope it's a] she didn't review anything else.  This leads me to believe that she only like Crazy Frog-related entertainment, probably because Crazy Frog is "CCRRRRAAAAZZZYYY."  I imagine that all people who like Crazy Frog have something seriously wrong with their brains, I'm just not sure if they like Crazy Frog because they're retarded or if it's that they're retarded so they like Crazy Frog.  Either way, check out what Crazy Frog did to these subnormal children (and just because I'm putting the video on here doesn't mean I'm not torturing you with it):

Yeah, those little bastards should probably be locked in a cage that's too small.

Whatever, I just can't believe there are people out there with enough wrong with them that they like Crazy Frog enough to keep a company based around bad animation and horrible music from going under.  I know I shouldn't be surprised since pretty much everyone I meet is an idiot, but I guess I'm just clinging to that last shred of hope that you people aren't as dumb as I think you are.  I'm not going to hold my breath anymore though.  I'm done with you people.  If Crazy Frog is the type of abomination you're all willing to throw money at, then I'm moving to some island no one knows about yet and living there in a bubble so none of your horrible taste can affect me.

Oh, and Crazy Frog people?  Why does Crazy Frog not look like a frog?  I know he's crazy, but he looks more like a gangrenous toe wearing a helmet.  If Crazy Frog is supposed to look like anything other than something Grimace pulled out of his ass after a night of binging on Fish Filet sandwiches, I'll be shocked.

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