I have mixed feelings about MySpace.  First of all, I hate how it's spelled and it's annoying to type.  Second, all of the hot girls that friend me and have links to "MY HOT NUDE WEBCAM DANCE-A-THON" never seem to want to go out for caffeine-free soda and mini-golf with me.  I mean what the hell?  They wanted to be my friends in the first place, and all they ever say is "SEE NUDE PICS FO ME HERRE!!" and occasionally send me bulletins on where to find cheap Gucci handbags and sunglasses.  However, MySpace is fantastic for stalking ex-girlfriends. It's also the only place I can pick up 14-year-old girls since every high school in the area has a note from the police saying I'm not allowed to watch their volleyball games anymore.

Stalking and statutory rape aside, MySpace is also great if you have a band or a laptop that beeps and clicks. You can get exposure and bombard millions of people on MySpace with friend requests so that on the off chance you strike it big, half the country will say, "I heard of that band before.  They wouldn't stop fucking sending me updates about their crappy music on the internet."  And that brings us to the down side: anyone with a computer can now get their "music" out to the public.  Most bands should have to pass some kind of test to put their songs on the internet.  Maybe some day if we're really lucky that will happen, but I'm not holding my breath.  Anyway, here are a few bands I've come across and brief reviews of their music.  And to the bands on here - you're welcome in advance for the free publicity.

Hadouken!
Location: Pelicans in the Wilderness, UK (super gay and laughably pretentious, especially for a band that sounds like this)
Self-Described Genre: Indie/Metal/Garage
MySpace Headline: JUST A BAND
Review: Well, they're not metal and they're not garage, more like a cross between 8-bit dance and an epileptic with a turntable.  Coincidentally, their profile looks like it was designed to cause seizures.  They also look like a giant box of Crayola crayons threw up on them.  Hadouken! really isn't all that great, but for some reason I almost kind of like it.  I don't think I could listen to any of their songs more than once, but at least I could get through them without screaming.  However, in ultra-hipster fashion, they have an exclamation point at the end of their name.  Exclamation points reached their pinnacle of ridiculousness when !!! came out, and they're way better than you, Hadouken!  On the plus side for Hadouken!, I could see this band getting their big break by doing the soundtrack to a movie about the high-stakes world of underground Dance Dance Revolution competitions where there are no rules and everyone PLAYS FOR KEEPS.
Grade: 32 Worn-Down Crayons out of a Jumbo Box of 64

Update 4/10/07 - I've just realized that, on Hadouken!'s profile, the background image in the corner says, "Bono must die!"  In my book, this elevates them from "meh" to "best band in the world."

Mika
Location: London, UK
Self-Described Genre: Pop/Rock/Power-Pop
MySpace Headline: Life in Cartoon Motion
Review: This is my reaction as I'm listening to the first song, Love Today: Okay, is this a cartoony jungle movie song?  Oh no, now there's some oompah oompah piano. Now some guy's talking about love today or something.  Oh my god, listen to his singing voice!  Ha ha!  It sounds like he's in a helium tank.  And castrated.  I can almost guarantee this guy wears blush and probably a dress.  Now he's yelling about love today with some guitar that sounds like a british white guy's idea of funk. Despite the annoying falsetto, Prince this guy ain't.  I can't imagine anyone wanting to ever listen to this, but it's on the main MySpace Music page right now, so I guess somebody likes it.  Fuck, I can't listen to this anymore.  It's so bad it's like it was made as a joke.  I was also waiting for the power pop to kick in, but I think power pop is too busy hanging out with its unicorn friends since it obviously doesn't exist anywhere in this song.
Grade: 1 Pink Unicorn & His Effeminate Koala Friend out of 50.

Rucka Rucka Ali
Location: West B, Michigan
Self-Described Genre: Comedy/Crunk/Rap
MySpace Headline: We invented hip-hop.  Get over it.
Review: Musical comedy is almost always destined to be horrible.  Very rarely does a joke song make me laugh, and then it's only funny in the context of the funny thing that set it up.  When someone releases whole albums of musical comedy, it's about as funny as catching a co-worker masturbating in his cubicle.  You might chuckle at first, but then you realize how wrong it is on so many levels.  That said, Rucka Rucka Ali has a song called "I Heart Crack." How delightfully absurd and hilarious!  A white guy with a fake gold grill rapping about how he loves crack, and he (I'm assuming) ironically put "heart" in the title instead of "love."  Now boarding: the last boat to comedy island!  The song's annoying comedy-free comedy reaches it's hysteria summit when Rucka Rucka repeatedly screams "B to the I to the C to the H" with some other guy (probably still Rucka squared to the Ali) says "that's not how you spell 'bitch'" in so many words.  Call the doctor because my funny bone has fractured!  To his credit, he's actually got a better flow than most white people who attempt to rap. It's just too bad he has to waste his minor shred of talent making something no one in their right mind would ever want to listen to.  That was a joke.  He has no talent.
Grade: N/A, he dropped out of elementary school.

! Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms !
Location: London, UK
Self-Described Genre: Industrial/Post Punk/Goth
MySpace Headline: (none)
Review:  Wow.  And people said Interpol ripped off Joy Division.  These guys sound like they dug up Zombie Ian Curtis and made him the singer of their band.  Which, if you think about it, kind of 1-ups Interpol.
Grade: Joy Division - New Order * Casio / Dignity + that gay haircut = Whatever the fuck this is

Aunt Dracula
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Self-Described Genre: Psychedelic/Tropical/Shoegaze
MySpace Headline: my were-clock works quite well
Review: Christ, this is so awful I almost feel bad even making fun of it.  These guys seem retarded enough to deserve a hug just for trying and for showing off their beautiful spirit. All joking aside, I'm pretty sure the people that made this music are really autistic.  Either that or they're making music for autistic people since autistic people are the only ones that would even be able to understand it.  And speaking of autism, does anyone else think those autism awareness ribbon bumper stickers are hilarious?  They're like the Support Our Troops ribbon stickers, only instead of being colored Yellow they're colored Puzzle Piece.  "Autism is totally a jigsaw puzzle. Metaphors rule!"  I'd respect autism awareness more if it was a word jumble puzzle instead, or maybe if it was like Where's Waldo.  And yeah, autism sucks and all, and I'm not making fun of the disease, but I think it's pretty funny that their awareness logo is a bunch of puzzle pieces.  And the puzzle pieces don't even go together; they're all different colors.  It's like a retarded kid was doing a jigsaw puzzle and instead of putting the right pieces together, he mashed two random pieces together with his big, meaty paw to make them fit.  I'll never even understand what ____ Awareness accomplishes.  Yeah, I'm aware of it.  I don't need your bumper sticker's help.  And surprise, that didn't change anything.  Anyway, sorry for the tangent, back to this god-awful song.  It's either a group of retarded guys or a few idiots dicking around with their parents' instruments and recording equipment. There's no way in hell that they're serious.  Their name?  It sucks.  Profile layout? It's worse than Hadouken!'s.  The guitar player can't play, the drummer can't even hold drum sticks right, and the singer looks like a dog that's been bred too much, further backing up my theory that at least one of them is retarded.  Just horrible.
Grade: 4 Mismatched Jigsaw Pieces out of 1000.

Brother's Keeper
Location: Erie, PA
Self-Described Genre: Hardcore
MySpace Headline: You can't kill me 'cause I'm already dead.
Review: It sounds like your run-of-the-mill crappy hardcore band.  Then, holy shit, the guy starts yelling/singing.  I recommend listening to XHardcore SongX because you will piss your pants laughing.  The guy sounds like Animal from the Muppets with his balls in a vice grip.  It's really... shit, you just have to hear it.  I've listened to the song 3 times, and I think it keeps getting funnier every time.  The other two songs are regular, bland shitty hardcore (and come on, it's just hardcore; it's really easy to be better than shitty if you're in a hardcore band) with boring, annoying vocals and there's nothing I can really say about them other than, "Dear Brother's Keeper: Try harder."  But that one song, oh my god, awesome.  It's live too, so I'm wondering whether or not it's a joke.  Probably not, since most hardcore bands are too busy being politically pathetic to have a sense of humor.  Unfortunately, this profile is run by a tin-eared fan of the band, and that sucks because I really want to ask one of the band members what is going on with that muppet song and where I can find more of it.
Grade: Out of all of the Muppets they could be, this band is Beaker (I think).  You know, the skinny "MEEPMEMEMEEP" one.

That's it for now.  If I have to listen to any more crappy MySpace music, I will kill myself.

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