Over the years, I've heard a lot of crap again and again and again.  Songs that drive me into a frenzied, baby-punting rage every time I hear them.  People like these songs.  This is because people are stupid.  In this update, I'm going to talk about the songs over the years that I really, really hate.  Songs that, when you listen to them, you ask yourself , "WHY THE FUCK AM I LISTENING TO THIS GARBAGE?!?!?!"  However, I'm not going to talk about songs that everyone already hates, like Ann Murray.  Well, maybe some of them, because I don't think I could write this and leave out goddamned Li'l Jon with a clean conscience.  I also won't write anything about U2 because I hate every song they've ever done so much it's not possible for me to pick the worst one, nor will I mention Phish because, although I think they are the worst band ever in history, you can't really consider any of the noise they make to be music since it's four stoned hippies butchering four different songs at the same time.  So yeah, time for the shitty songs.

Who Are You - The Who	Let it be known, right now, that I hate The Who.  I always have, I always will.  And the best part of the band, Keith Moon (because he was insane), is dead.  Also, the entire reason you're reading all of this right now is because I heard this song in a bar last night and it reminded me of how much I hate it.  Oh, how I hate it.  This song is about 20 minutes long (or at least that's what it seems like to me), and 18 minutes are spent repeating "Whooooooo are you? Who, who!  Who, who!" over and over and over and over again until your brain melts and starts leaking out of your ears and dripping onto the floor in a gooey paste.  And I think the other 2 minutes is a crappy guitar solo so that Pete Townsend can show off that windmill guitar strumming thing he does that's not hard to do.  My first memories of hearing and hating this song are from when I was little, probably 4th grade or something like that.  The whole family was piled into the minivan going somewhere.  Maybe down the shore or something; not important.  We weren't even far from my house when this song came on the radio.  Five minutes later, they were still singing "Whooooooo are you?  Who, who! Who, who!"  There was an Audi in front of us, and I thought at the time they were saying "Oooooh Audi!  Oooh oo!  Oooh oo!" so now I also hate Audis and the snobs that drive them.  Another five minutes and a random spastic guitar solo later, and they were still fucking singing "Whoooooo are you?  Who, who!  Who, who!"  At this point I couldn't take it anymore and I begged my parents to turn it off.  They didn't, of course, because the song reminded them of high school and so they turned it up.  So I started banging my head on the inside of the car until I passed out.  When I came to three weeks later, do you know what the first thing I heard was?  "Whoooooooo are you?  Who, who!  Who, who!"
Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd	Another band I really hate.  I hate them so much!  SO MUCH. Southern rock is lamer than your dad in Wu Wear, just like everything else that comes from the south. One of the best and worst things to ever happen to music was when most, if not all, of them died in a plane crash.  It was good because they're dead.  It was bad, though (and this outweighs the good), because now they're legends forever and will never go away. Why?  Everything they ever did was terrible.  This song especially.  In my worst bands of all time list (this is only for people that actually play their instruments), the ranking is 1) Phish 2) U2 3) Lynyrd Skynyrd.  The only reason I don't put Lynyrd Skynyrd as the worst band ever is because it's scientifically and mathematically impossible for any band, no matter how awful, to be worse than Phish, and as bad as Lynyrd Synyrd were, It's hard for me to hate them more than U2. It's like dividing by zero.  If any band ever gets so terrible that they're worse than Phish, the entire universe will implode in on itself wiping out all of existence.  And we don't want that, so Phish is still Asshole Band #1.  But just to clarify, if Bono wasn't such a smug douche-bag and The Edge actually learned how to play the guitar before winning people's choice best guitar player EVER awards, Lynyrd Skynyrd would beat them out for #2.  Anyway. Back to Lynyrd Skynyrd (not only do they suck ass, but it's really annoying to type their name).  Sweet Home Alabama is one of the most racist songs ever written.  Oh, it is.  Yet it still gets played on fossil radio stations constantly.  I think that's odd.  Southern rock should be reserved for 'shine-swillin', pickup-drivin', cattle-rustlin', rodeo and NASCAR lovin' rednecks.  That's why it's called southern rock.  Keep it the fuck out of my area.  Anyone who loves southern rock is a tool.
Yeah - Usher & Li'l Jon	After this song came out, all the other little R&B lemmings started using that annoying high-pitched distorted synth horn noise in their songs too. Like it was a new sound or something.  You know what noise I'm talking about.  It's the only non-drum noise in the song that you hear in between Li'l Jon's screams of "YEAH!"  And guess what: Li'l Jon is a hack.  There is only one good hype man, and even he killed what little career he had left by hanging out with Brigitte Neilson on VH1 (and she is fucking scary).  It's a sad, dark day when some asshole can become rich by yelling "Yeah!" over and over and screaming his own name.  Who the fuck does that? Why would you scream your own name?  I don't walk into a room and scream "GREG BREEN!!!", and if I did, no one would throw bags of money at me.  That would be sweet, though; to be so famous that yelling your own name in a shitty, overplayed R&B song wins me millions of dollars and fabulous prizes.  So fuck him.  Fuck Usher too.  He's a douche.  This song, since it has been released, has been played roughly 90 billion times in bars, clubs, commercials, the radio, TV, everything.  You can't get away from it.  At least "Hot in Herrrrre" (or whatever the fuck it's called) went away after that summer.  But this song won't go away, and it forces me to kill strippers every time I hear it.  Which is bad news in the strip clubs, because in one of them you're guaranteed to hear this song about 13 times, and that equals like 41 dead strippers.
God Bless the U.S.A. - Lee Greenwood	Let me just start this off by saying I don't hate America.  I like living here, and there's no where else I'd rather live (well, I could live in Canada because Canadians are basically axe-wielding Americans with beards).  So don't email me and call me a Commie or something.  Plus, I don't even pretend to know what I'm talking about when it comes to politics.  With that said, every time I've ever heard this song I've gotten diarrhea.  Explosive diarrhea.  This song is a rank ass filled with dynamite.  Country music is pretty terrible.  TERRIBLE.  [Obligatory country music joke] What do you get when you play a country song backwards?  A message from Satan commanding you to kill.  Funny thing is that this song came out well before 9/11, yet after that it was everywhere.  Or so I've been told.  9/11 happened during a 6 month bender so I don't remember much of it.  That's total exploitation.  No one had even heard of this asshole before the whole war on terror thing, and that's because he fucking sucks.  They even played this crap at either halftime of the Superbowl that year or the world series (bender, remember?), and at the end they released a bald eagle.  Aw, how heart-tugging.  Not a dry eye in the house.  Pussies.  Anyway, they still play this song on radio stations managed by people who were born with birth defects back in the ninth grade, so you still hear it.  Guess what?  No one cares.  This song sounds like a Michael Bolton song.  This dude just bellows out crap about America and freedom and it seriously sounds like he's belting the words out of his ass into a toilet, and that might explain what this song does to my digestive system.
I Know What Boys Like - The Waitresses	This song is unlistenably bad.  The singer is tone-deaf.  Plus, look at their picture.  They are one of the ugliest bands ever, even going by 80's standards.  So, so ugly.  And that CD cover?  Oh yes, it's from a greatest hits CD.  One of several greatest hits albums actually.  Quick, name three Waitresses songs!  Go!  Let's see, you guessed this song (obviously), probably guessed that Merry Christmas song they do that's exactly the same as this except they say "Merry Christmas" a bunch of times in it, and...  Oh, that's right, you can't name a third, can you?  No one can.  All of they're greatest hits albums better just be those two songs repeated eight times, otherwise they're giving away the prestigious title of "hit song" more easily than milk carton shoes at a hobo convention.  But, because I have the webpage open, here's a third song: Bruiseology.  I'm guessing "Bruiseology" is a rockin' tune about the science of studying bruises.  All of the band members are premier Bruiseologists because they undoubtedly get their asses kicked every time they're seen in public.  Because they suck, and they suck hard.
Bring Me to Life - Evanescence	Nothing like heavy psuedo-metal god rock.  They stole their entire sound from an Italian band called Lacuna Coil.  And speaking of, Lacuna Coil has gone downhill with ever album, so I wouldn't recommend listening to anything past the Half Life EP.  Back to Evanescence.  First off, it's christian faux-metal.  Second, although she has a pretty good voice, the singer used to be a fat chick.  I know this because her lyrics sound exactly like Livejournal goth poetry.  Throw in some "creepy" keyboards and ambient sound effects, mix with a little screaming pussy guy, and you get Bring Me to Life.  Nothing like a rockin' tune about Jebus.  My favorite part is when the guy screams "WAKE ME UP!!!!" over and over, and then whines "saaaave meeeeee" in the pussiest voice he has.  It really gets my groove going.  Why do you people like this band?  It's the same thing with Creed; I never understood why anyone liked them either.  Another psuedo-metal god rock band with hordes of dumbass little followers.  Look at their picture.  The girl has Wynona-Ryder-from-Beetlejuice hair.  I bet $40 and a slightly used condom that there is a colony of spiders living in that quaff.  Of course, that will only make her more goth to the max.
So Far Away - Staind	There is no bigger pussy on the entire planet than Aaron Lewis from Staind (I think that's his name; if it isn't, I don't care because that's what his name is now).  What a whiny little bald bitch. "Ooh, my parents hate me so much!  I'm still so full of teen angst! I write songs about my pain!  I'm deep!  I have a tortured soul!  I love a good cry!  Boo hoo hoo!" Leave your vagina at home, you big fucking baby.  You're too fat to be emo.  Here's an idea: why don't you write songs about how the only people that identify with your whiny lyrics are high school girls and idiots that also love Nickleback.  Like this bitch.  I didn't know what this song was called because I hate it and forced the title out of my brain in the past, so I had to do some research.  All I knew was the crybaby line "now that you're here," and after looking around on the internet for way too long, I found this girl's blog where she posts song lyrics.  Hey, Aaron Lewis: you know your a living joke when a thirty-year-old ugly woman in a tie-dye tarp-dress with a K.D. Lang haircut posts the lyrics to your pussy song in a blog called "Songs That Burn My Soul."  She might as well have called it "Songs I Love Listening to While Making My Dog Lick the Peanut Butter off of My Vagina" because there's no way in hell she ever gets any ass and that's why she loves whiny songs about people not wanting to sleep with you. Plus, you should outgrow phrases like "burn my soul" once you graduate high school.  I don't know her though, so maybe she's still a sophomore in a high school for special people, and by that I mean retards.  It's anyone's guess how a Tesla song can burn anything other than the CD it's pressed onto in a desperate attempt at removing itself from the world to save the embarrassment of being made.  Oh, and if you don't believe me about the peanut butter thing, get this: she has a pet sitting service.  Oh yes.  Anyway this Staind song is terrible, but spelling the word "stained" wrong makes them total badasses.  To Staind I award 10 badass points for their completely unique and unconventional thug-like approach to spelling, but I immediately subtract 20 for crying into a microphone and selling it to impressionable morons.

And so ends part one, mainly because I can't think of any other songs I hate right now.  There will most definitely be more, though, because there's a lot of crappy music out there that too many people like. Fuckers.  So wrap yourself up in a tarp and tape that diaper on in bladder-exploding anticipation of the next part of Songs I Hate.

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