Last night I was watching Spongebob.  Yes, I watch Spongebob.  It's fucking awesome and fuck you.  Besides, 95% percent of the TV I watch is cartoons (the other 5% is usually HBO hooker documentaries; it's fun to laugh at hookers because they're not really people).  Anyway, since cartoons are geared towards bastard little kids, the commercials during the cartoons are for toys and shit like that.  Not cool toys, either.  Toys nowadays suck.  Where are the lawn darts, inflatable boxing gloves and other toys that are guaranteed to cause horrible injuries?  No wonder your kids are turning into pussies.  Everything you buy them is made of foam and has "non-toxic" printed all over it.  Fucking toys and their commercials.  However, since Spongebob is on at eight, the commercials are still about toys and shit but geared towards irresponsible parents eager to fail at buying their children's love.  And one commercial that was on helped me understand why parents' attempts at buying said kids' love fail; it's because they are easily tricked into buying terrible music they think they're kids will like.  Usually it's the Kidz Bop CD's, which are top 40 pop songs, usually about fucking, remade by babies and Disney-employed studio musicians with no souls and then pussified for kids.  And kids seem to like that shit because their parents raise them to be retards interested in trends and one-note looping R&B songs and box socials. Terrible, yes, but one group decided to take that idea and make it more wholesome since the original Kidz Bop didn't talk about church enough.  I'm talking about Worship Jamz.  That's right.  Worship Jamz ('s' replaced with 'z' for maximum badassitude).  In case you're eating glue right now and are totally incoherent, I'll tell you what that means.  It's "popular" christian rock (I know, I know - it's an oxymoron - bear with me).  Remade by babies.  Seriously.  And if Kidz Bop has taught me anything, it's that parents are filled with just the right amount of liquid stupid to buy enough Worship Jamz CD's to turn it into a 10-volume multi-million dollar franchise.  And that scares the fuck out of me.

Christian rock is something everyone should automatically realize to be total fucking garbage without having to be told that.  Stupid god-fearing, AOL-subscribing parents force their kids to listen to this shit to keep them wholesomely occupied while they bake pink bunny-shaped cookies and hang up pictures of little kids dressed up as the four food groups in their living room right next to a giant painting of Jesus wearing sunglasses and rocking out on a day-glo green electric guitar.  What these re-re's don't realize is that Christian rock is exactly the same as the devil music on the radio that they boycott and write angry pointless letters about only with all the references to naked girls replaced with the words Jesus, Lord, or God.  That's why there are Christian rock songs called "Pimpin' Ho's fo' da Lord" and "Jesus Gives Good Head."

Since there will always be a market for Christian Rock (because most people wouldn't know good music if it sat on their faces and shit in their mouths), I'm a little surprised it took this long for a company to exploit people's love of screwing up their kids. It boggles my mind.  You'd think that once the first Kidz Bop CD came out, this Worship Jamz bullshit would be right behind it.  Maybe the people that made it thought to themselves, "This will never sell.  No one is that stupid.  Let's go with that Crotch-Whacker game that Gus came up with."  Then they realized that, yes, people are that stupid and they'd probably just give the money to some televangelist in exchange for Jesus dinnerware anyway.  So now people are buying this garbage.  The Worship Jamz website even has an obvious warning right on the page for parents.  If you see something like this:

...it should take you no more than 3 seconds to realize that giving these people your credit card number is sort of admitting to the world that you're so stupid you shouldn't be allowed to eat with a fork without wearing a helmet and being glued to your chair.  The only time you ever even see a picture of people posing like that is in the newspaper under the headline "43 Cult Members Commit Ritual Suicide with Arsenic-Laced Kool-Aid" and is accompanied with this photo at the bottom of the article:

If everyone happened to ignore the first warning picture, the website offers a second warning:

Red Flag #2.  It's amazing that an organization as anti-homosexual as the Christian religion would post a picture this incredibly gay.  This picture couldn't be more gay if they were all wearing leather chaps, sporting mustaches, and covered in pink cottage cheese.  The girl on the right is screaming "YAY GOD!" and the girl in the back thinks she's in a christian aerobics video - and she just might be!

That's right, on the page where you can buy this terrible travesty of the music community, they recommend you buy "Sweating in the Spirit," a christian aerobics video (link included not for endorsement, but to prove I'm not making it up - it's that fucking crazy).  Get ready to GET IN SHAPE FOR THE LORD.  Fucking right.  Finally, my fitness prayers have been answered.  According to the description, this tape "features gospel artists Kirk Franklin, Yolanda Adams & Shirley Murdock."  Also, it's "an inspirational 3-in-1 workout program that helps you lose weight & feel great."  That is so sweet I just shit my pants.  Shit my pants for JESUS.  How the fuck do you work out to gospel music?  I've heard gospel music and it's not that upbeat.  Plus, I don't think Jesus cares how fat you are, as long as you love the taste of his holy butter, or something like that.  Aerobics are Satan's training program.  Satan demands his subjects to be in shape for pushing old people down stairs and kicking babies, and being in shape really helps you rock out to heavy metal.  Oh and the three steps of this workout video are:

1. Lay out god-related exercise mat and put on fruity leg warmers
2. Push play and meditate during the opening FBI warning to prepare your body for the holiest workout ever
3. Destroy the video and curse yourself for dirtying your VCR with the Sweating in the Spirit tape.

What bothers me the most about this Worship Jamz bullshit the most is that I know somewhere out there (like Iowa), kids got this CD from their parents, listen to it all the time because they don't have the right number of chromosomes and they don't know any better, and grow up think this is normal.  No.  No no no no no.  NO.  This is not normal.  Not only are these kids listening to horrible christian music, but they're listening to christian music remade by a team of little retarded kids.  That's like terrible times 8.  That's like Gamera setting fire to Tokyo instead of saving the children from Godzilla.  That's like using your soiled underwear as a hat while masturbating to every Steven Segal movie ever made.  I'm sorry, but that's totally unacceptable.  Fuck the war on terrorism; where's the war on the bible belt?  These insane people must be stopped before they start making decisions that affect the non-insane.

Here's a message for the parents on the Worship Jamz website:

It's important to us that your kids have a safe and fun online experience. Please make sure your kids know how to check with you before entering personal information on any website. Communication is so important.

If it's so important that your kids are having a safe experience at all times, they shouldn't be online.  All the Jesus-related websites on the internet are only about three clicks away from pictures of one-eyed hermaphrodites sucking off sheep.  And what's really confusing to me is the line "make sure your kids know how to check with you before entering personal information on any website."  Make sure they know how to check with you?  I can only imagine hordes of bible-starved kids foaming at the mouths in desperate confusion wondering how to check with their parents about something.  And parents, if you have to explain to your kids how to check with you about anything, why stop there?  Why not explain to them what clothes are, and which orifice to stuff food into?  If communication is so important to you, why not tell them about how you smoked crack while pregnant with them and then finally found Jesus when they popped out of your swollen vagina without all of their limbs?  Or too many limbs, whichever.

Back to the intelligence-insulting commercial itself.  I actually found it online, and you can watch it here.  Be warned, it is completely terrible and might cause blindness, fits of insanity, and/or the sudden urge to eat people.  All of the kids look like they're in some brainwashed trance.  They kind of wiggle around spastically, and it could be considered dancing if you never saw dancing before and had nothing to compare it to.  Also, they're all on acid.  There's so much tie-dye in the commercial that I can no longer see color.  It burns.

For something this bad, you can't just watch it once and then run away screaming (even though that's what every instinct in your body is commanding you to do).  No, we have to get inside the heads of the people starring in the commercial.  We have to uncover the seedy backstory of the Worship Jamz conspiracy.  You may not want to, but this is for science.  Here is basically what happens during this commercial.

First, we have this girl.  She loves rocking out for Jesus.  She's leading the other mutant children, saying "RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU WANT JESUS INSIDE OF YOU!"

Later, adding, "C'mon, God Squad!  Let's hear you praise the Lord with EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE!"  And is it just me, or does she look like an alien?  I can't think of one reason why anyone would need to make a face like this except that she has aliens in her body and they're forcing her to get up and dance!

This kid is in the middle of saying, "FUCK YES!!!!!!  FUUUUUUCK YES!!!!!  I PUMP MY FIST FOR THE LORD!!!"  The black girl behind him is also rocking out for Jesus, using her hand as a pretend microphone to sing along to the Christ-rock.  Also, the children are starting to melt.

The girl in pink is starting to pass out from too much God-rock.  She's OD-ing on Jesus, and soon she will be in a coma.  Next to her is some random girl with fluorescent shoelaces in her hair.  Jesus demands that his subjects use neon shoelaces as hair accessories.  She is also chaotically pumping her fists in support of the hallucinating torture room they're being forced to dance in.  It is now hour 735 of the commercial shoot, and all the children are completely under the Worship Jamz spell.  Soon they will be unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

The little boy is now almost completely melted by all of the radiation that is obviously saturating the room.  Meanwhile, the girl next to him in the white shirt is busy cleaning the centipedes out of her vagina because the new pope demanded it over the loudspeaker.

Here is the new pope watching from behind his one-way mirror.  His master plan is coming together nicely.

The kid that pumps his fist for Jesus can no longer stand this much holy and is collapsing.  The pink girl is about to fall on top of him, but instead breaks into interpretive dance as a cry for help to whomever is watching them suffer.  The girl with the neon shoelaces in her hair decides to eat the little boy, since his Nubian protector is momentarily distracted by her own awesome blonde afro.

Then there's bubble girl.  I've been analyzing this picture for two days now, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on there.  I've come to only one conclusion.  She resisted being a part of the Worship Jamz dancers because she didn't want to be a slave.  Fearing her to be a threat, the Worship Jamz overlord sealed her in a giant bubble for all of eternity.  To pay for her sins, she is forced to dance non-stop in that bubble while brainwashing messages are displayed in the room in an attempt to break her spirit.  They demand that she accept the fact that now is the time to worship.

In a vain attempt at freeing bubble girl, the blonde-afroed black girl uses all of the Kung-Fu she learned from Dolomite and Avenging Disco Godfather to try and break her bulbous prison, and instead she was engulfed in a giant purple fog that froze her in mid-jump-kick forever.

With the rebellion squashed, the evil, soulless creator of Worship Jamz appears on the main TV screen with four of her captive children to assure the rest of the Worship Jamz dancers that they are doing what is best for the world.  They are trying to force everyone to be happy all of the time with the subliminal messages in the Worship Jamz CD and commercial.  Also, they have a Jesus ray ready to smite any non-believers at any time.  If you look closely at the children behind her, they are smiling but desperately trying to hold back the tears.

By now, you should be 100% convinced that this whole concept is retarded and an obvious plot at world domination.  Maybe I'm just bitter that I didn't think of it first.  Maybe it's because I can't understand why you'd further water down something that's already as watered down as christian rock is.  This has been keeping me up at night.  I'm also wearing a tinfoil jumpsuit right now and have about 300 metal coat hangers on the ceiling above my head to block the Worship Jamz satellite that's been spying on me to make sure I don't blow the whistle on this heinous plot.  And if no one hears from me again after posting this, I have been smitten.  And I can guarantee that I will be killed, probably today, for warning the world about the horrors of Worship Jamz.  Either that, or for repeatedly making fun of the new pope.

Special thanks to Brent for getting the screenshots from the Worship Jamz commercial for me.  I couldn't do it because my computer sucks and I have no talent.

GENERAL STUPIDITY
BAD MOVIES
BAD TV
BAD MUSIC
BAD COMMERCIALS
STUPID CELEBRITIES

HOME
REPLY ALL DEAD POOL
OLD GARBAGE

EMAIL