I mean it.  Screw them.  Round them up and put them into camps away from productive members of society.  And I'm not talking Concentration torture Camps here, people.  They can have all of the Murder Mystery shows and Pat Boone music they want, and every meal is perfectly mashed for maximum denture protection for all I care.  But fuck them; they need to go.

Here's an example.  Earlier today I was at a gas station getting cigarettes. As I'm waiting in one line, some irate spokesman for adult diapers starts ranting at the next register over.  What was the problem?  The gas station recently started a pay-before-you-pump system (way to catch up with the rest of the gas stations of the world, Cumberland Farms of Fort Washington, PA!), and this apparently brought the old bastard's world to its knees.  See, he's used to filling up his tank and then paying for gas.  Doing it the other way around is just too much of a goddamned nuisance.  Boy, life is hard!  So he starts ranting and raving, handing the clerk a 20, and saying, "I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S ENOUGH OR TOO MUCH!!!!  SHE CAN'T TELL ME BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FILL UP THE TANK YET!!!!!  RARRRRR I AM A CREATURE!!!!!  BRING ME ANOTHER JAR OF GERBER CARROTS AND A SMALL CHILD I CAN STEAL THE LIFE ENERGY FROM!!!!!"  I don't know who "she" is, but my guess is she is a hallucination caused by senility and too much Metamucil. Then he storms out in a rage.  Boy, 78-year-old men sure are busy!  Give him a break though, he only had 15 minutes to get to the face-rockingest early bird special in town!  What a fucking asshole.

I can't even name one other gas station I've been to in the last few years that will let you pump before you pay.  Where was this prick getting gas?  Who cares, that's not my point anyway.  My point is that this fucking asshole probably thinks the entire world owes him something for gracing the world with his presence for the last 80 years.  And he's right.  We do owe him.  In fact, we need him, and decrepit walking corpses just like him. Think about it, how horrible would life be if you could drive somewhere without being stuck behind a champagne-colored Lincoln Towncar filled with white heads and goofy hats going 15 miles under the speed limit?  I mean, fuck getting anywhere in a reasonable amount of time!  I count on getting stuck behind some moron slowly making his or her way to church on a Wednesday afternoon so I can give the first gear of my car a good workout!  It needs it!  And good thing we give them all the best parking spaces!  They need them!

Guess what - if you need a drawing of a guy in a wheelchair on your license plate, and you're not in the middle of an insurance scam, you're too fucking handicapped to drive.  Take the fucking bus.  It's free for you anyway.

I had worked in restaurants for about 8 years.  And the old people there are fantastic!  What would I, a lowly waiter, do without them?  I mean, every shift would have been ruined if it weren't for some crotchety old cunt complaining it was too cold at her table in the middle of July when everyone around them that isn't dying is sweating since it's fucking hot!  Good thing they demanded the air conditioner be turned down; the air conditioner, which is probably about as old as them and struggling to pump out air that's barely 80 degrees, really needs a break!  Fuck every other person in the restaurant; as long as you're comfortable!  And it would be my pleasure to return your food even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!  We'll get those anchovies taken off your salad right away, even though you demanded extra anchovies when you placed the order! It's my pleasure to hurry up too because I know that the home has a 9:00 curfew, and if you're not back by then the rest of the walking dead will divide your collection of knitted stoles, ugly turquoise jewelry, and cutouts of inane, incomprehensible editorials from the newspaper about hating that wacky rock music all the kids today listen to!

Thank fucking god I don't work in a restaurant anymore.

And guess what?  You didn't really fight in the war.  Yeah, I know you were in the army during World War II.  I read all about it on that stupid hat you never fucking take off.  But you didn't actually do anything productive. Congratulations anyway, though!  You deserve our thanks for valiantly defending North Carolina from the Nazis! We all owe you big time!

I can't wait until I get old!  I'm not going to do a god damn thing without incessantly complaining about it to everyone within earshot!  It will be by right to do that!  I'll have an engraved plaque bestowed upon me on my 65th birthday saying just that!  It will be great!  I'll by a car bigger than my condo!  It'll be colored like an Easter egg, and I'll weave in and out of traffic as slowly as I possibly can!  And when I go out to eat, I'll make damn fucking sure that everyone in the restaurant knows that they are privileged for eating and working in my presence!  I will refuse to accept any kind of change in society or consumerism after I turn 50!  I will make sure all of the young people know that everything they like sucks and my world officially stopped in the year 2012, when everything reached perfection!  I will always wear a big, stupid hat!  I will take my dentures out in public and clean them in front of everyone, and then I will rant and rave for three years straight about anyone that gives me a dirty look!  Who are they to look down on me!  They should respect me! I'm 70 years old!  I'm not dead yet!  I will demand that people kiss my black ass and constantly wait on me hand and foot because I'm too much of a fucking invalid to do anything for myself!  And will I be grateful for it?  Fuck no!  You are all going to owe me anyway!  Even though I won't be able to control my bowels, see anything farther than three feet in front of me, and complain about everything from those damned kids today to microscopic germs to my 200 lb. prostate to anyone that will be polite enough to listen, I will be your better, and I will make sure you know it!

Just remember kids, next time an old man pisses you off to the point of blacking out and waking up hours later in a pool of blood, keep cool!  You owe this old fucking bastard everything!  They've accomplished the miraculous feat of not dying before the ripe old age of 75, and that makes them all better than the rest of us!  We salute you, our feces- and Ensure-scented superiors!

[Update 11/15/05, even though I should have put this on here over a month ago, but I'm lazy so eat me] My friend Boyle had this to say about the elderly since he's stuck talking to them on a daily basis:
Here's one for you:  I just received a call from this old lady with a complaint.  One of the most general, blanket complaints ever.  "I just received a call from a company that asked me if I received (insert old-people-scam product) and they asked me to push a button to choose an option.  Well, I have a rotary phone because I live in the 1950s and I'm calling from my Plutonium powered phone that let's me call into the future.  Can you please tell these companies that me and all of my bridge playing, Oops-I-Crapped-My-Pants wearing cohorts only have rotary phones that can only be found in the Smithsonian next to Archie Bunker's chair?   I think it would be nice if we could inconvenience everyone around us because we refuse to die."   Yeah, I don't know how I didn't laugh in her ear.  All I could say was "Sure, I'll pass along that suggestion."  "I'm glad that someone finally realizes that I am the emperor of the universe and all shall do my bidding.  Senility must be so much fun," [said the old people].

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