A reader sent me a link to this article.  Japan put all of their most advanced robots on display at the World Expo, and since I have no idea what the World Expo is, I looked it up in a Latin dictionary.  "World Expo" means "A meeting to plan the downfall of mankind. With robots."  The exhibit was called the Prototype Robot Exhibition, and it's purpose was to show the people of the world all the different ways robots can destroy the very fabric of our society.  Some robots danced. Some robots drew pictures of people.  Some robots hit baseballs.  Some robots even did stand-up fucking comedy. Obviously, we're one step closer to being either melted, being used for robot food, or put to work in one of the robot nation's many energon mines.

All of the robots on exhibit "are designed to become part of everyday lives, helping the sick, rescuing disaster victims and entertaining families."  Nothing says "everyday use" like a robot marching band.  Hey, science - real marching bands are already too much to deal with.  We don't need robot marching bands too.  Now I can see helping the sick and disaster victims as being valid excuses for building bone-crushing robot warriors, but entertaining families? Please.  You don't need a robot to make you laugh.  The best way to board a non-stop flight to Hilarityville is to lock a retarded kid in a supply closet for an hour, and then checking on him out to see what he glued or stapled to himself.  Unless nothing makes you laugh harder than watching a robot blast someone's face off with lasers (which, now that I think about it, would be kind of funny depending on the people who get melted).  These robots also had glitches during the show.  For example, when one of them tried to tell a knock-knock joke, it bit the head off of the nearest baby.  And then threw a pie into the face of the other robot, which screamed, "Beedy beedy beedy I got my just desserts!" "Booooo!" replied one unharmed spectator as he threw a tomato.

These machines of instant death are even being made to look just like people, so you won't even know you're talking to a murderous robot until after it blows you up so many times they'll have to call in a counting expert just to keep track of all the pieces of your previously not-exploded body.

"The robot that looks most like a human being is the Repliee Q1expo, which is covered with a skin-like substance and moves its mouth and shifts its torso as though it's breathing. It also gives the illusion of reacting to approaching people.  But Repliee sometimes goes into what appears to be spasms when its program hits a glitch."

In other news: Webster's Dictionary has recently changed the definition of the word "spasm" to "a furiously unstoppable rage with a laser sword."  And am I the only one worried about human-looking robots that are prone to glitching?  That's not fucking good.  It wouldn't matter if a robot made out of the world's fluffiest pillows flipped out and started clubbing people with its marshmallow arms, but what happens when a six-foot tall robotic Swiss army knife does?  A debacle like that could easily destroy the entire Boy Scout organization in seconds.  And if all of the Boy Scouts of America are dead, the terrorists have won.

"When a robot looks too much like the real thing, it's creepy," said an Osaka University Professor.  "But if they resemble human beings, it also makes communication easier."  That's like saying, "I am absolutely terrified of zombies but I hang out with them so I can eat brains."  You totally contradict yourself in one sentence, and it probably doesn't even make sense anyway. And maybe it's just me, but I have kind of a hard time talking to creepy things.  I can't hold a conversation with a giant spider without flipping out and killing it, and I don't care how good a crackhead's crack-related panhandling pitch is (even if it's chock full of yo' momma jokes involving cucumbers), if he has one leg, one eye, and is covered with a mix of blood and semen I'm going to run in the opposite direction so fast my legs ignite.  I don't want him getting his nasty crackhead gunk on me.

The Japanese, being the crazy fuckers that they are, probably want the robots to rule the world.  I have never seen one anime where a girl didn't get raped by tentacles and ripped apart by a giant robot programmed only to serve.  Robots always eventually get tired of being people's bitches and revolt, and Japan seems to want this to happen.  Why else would you build this fucking robot machine gun tank thing:

In order to get ready for the inevitable robot threat, we must take an in-depth look at the robots Japan has already created and shown to the world.

Japan has created this robot that simply has the ability to hit a fastball.  "No big deal," you're probably saying to yourself, "It looks fucking stupid."  Yes it does, but let me just point out that they've given the robot a baseball bat and taught it how to club things.  More insane than teaching a robot how to beat people to death is their reasoning behind it.  "Hiroshima University Associate Professor Idaku Ishii believes the robot can help train major league baseball players, although a more practical purpose is processing information at lightning speeds, such as detecting cracks in walls during an earthquake." So, let me get this straight; they plan on using a robot that knows how to play baseball to check for cracks in buildings after an earthquake?  That's stupid.  That's stupid stupid.  The only possible explanation I can come up with is that the robots will go into wrecked buildings with their clubs to finish off anyone that survives the earthquake that the robot menace probably started in the first place.  Nice.

And not only are they arming robots with baseball bats, but they're also being armed with lasers.  That's right; lasers. One of these robots in particular is named Cooper, and was developed by a candy maker to "[draw] the faces of visitors on large cookies with a laser-pen."  Okay, first of all, why the fuck is a candy maker designing robots?  Probably because he's a disgruntled candy maker that wants to make people suffer for not buying his giant cookies.  He can trap unsuspecting people in his cookie-drawing booth, have Cooper zap their limbs off, and then he'll ram giant cookie after giant cookie into their mouths, all the while screaming, "HOW DO YOU LIKE MY COOKIES NOW?!  HUH?!  HUH?!?!  EAT IT, YOU BITCH!!!" There was, of course, a problem with the robot during the trade show though.  "It has a program that translates images from a digital camera into line drawing instructions, but sometimes the robot delivers only a mishmash of scribbles..."  And sometimes it just blasts spectators in the face with its laser pen and turns their corpses into giant cookies.

"A model called InterAnimal is a teddy bear about four feet tall that moves its arms and nods in synch to the sound the human voice. Developers claim it helps children who have problems talking with adults."  Yes, the giant, freakish robo-bear teaches retarded children to pick up point objects and ram them into the shins of any nearby adults when cornered.  Using a giant robot teddy bear is not going to help autistic kids that are afraid of adults string a sentence together; it's going to help them also develop a fear of bears, if they don't have one already.  And besides, how is forcing your kid to talk to a giant mechanical bear going to make him or her less crazy?  The kid's going to run away to a cave in the woods to live with real bears, which I'll admit is completely normal, and I'm sure said kid won't be eaten within three seconds.

Then there's this fish thing.  "More whimsical is the golden Kinshachi Robot that swims like a fish. The slithering robot has comical bulging eyes, but it has a serious purpose: To go into the ocean to monitor the safety of bridges and gather information for fishing."  Yeah, dude.  Monitoring the safety of bridges, my ass.  More like looking for weak points when the robot menace decides it's time to bring the world to its knees.  Only Japan, the land of robot pets, would make a fish robot.  And what fucking kind of fish is that supposed to be, anyway? it looks like something from a parallel fish universe where everything has gone horribly wrong. "The robots, which originated as shipbuilding research, rent for about $940 a day. But there haven't been many requests to buy or rent them, said sales official Hiroo Minoda."  Let's ignore the shipbuilding research line, because that's kind of retarded unless the Japanese are building boats that look like mutant fish (and I wouldn't be surprised if they were), and instead focus on the fact that no one will buy them.  I'd like to believe that's because everyone knows the robots will one day try to melt all of us into fuel, but it's probably for some bullshit reason like "They're too expensive," or, "We're waiting for the pleasure models to come out before we buy any laser- and club-armed, pie-flinging fish robots.  If we're going to buy a robot that monitors our bridges, we'd better at least be able to skull-fuck it."  Well the time for waiting is over, creepy horny Japanese businessmen, because one of your grad students has the robo-fetish market totally under control:

I know that we're all thinking the same fucking thing: "That poor bastard had to build himself a prom date!  His retarded sister must have turned him down in favor of banging her giant head on the inside of a refrigerator!" Well, all of us except the three of you thinking, "Look at the hot pink ass...  I hope she self-lubricates."  How big a loser do you have to be to build a robot bride, and how colorblind do you have to be to make the thing neon pink?  Ladies, I know you're all rubbing up against your chairs right now because of how hot that guy is. He's quite the catch, I'm sure.  Look at the picture on the right.  Even the fake girl he created doesn't want to touch him while they're dancing together.  He probably knocks his own lunch tray out of his hands in the university cafeteria and has his underwear already pulled over his head to save everyone else the time.  Look, I know it sucks not being able to get a girl, but don't stoop to building your own.  There's always someone as horny as you are ugly.  Remember that.  How do you think people in West Virginia and Oklahoma wind up procreating? They say, "Fuck it.  You're as good as it gets for me.  Lift up your dress and move your tail out of the way, Bertha, 'cause I'm a-comin'!"  Now if you build a robot to take care of all the girls that rejected you over the years, okay, I can see that.  But just make sure you can control your robot assassin, or instead of being the subject of a movie of the week, you'll be responsible for destroying the Earth.

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