Check this out.  It's hilarious.  Basically, Forget-Me-Not panties are just like regular panties only with a homing chip in them.  Now, you can stalk your girlfriend/wife/daughter from the comfort of your own home.  The website states, "These panties will monitor the location of your daughter, wife or girlfriend 24 hours a day, and can even monitor their heart rate and body temperature."  That is great.  You can't make this shit up.  But seriously, think about all the aggravation and time these will save.  I can't tell you how many times a week I scream, "BITCH!!! WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU, YOU CUM-GUZZLING WHORE?!?!?!"  No more bruises on my knuckles from smacking my woman across the face with the back of my hand when I suspect her of cheating.  Now I can just stare at a computer screen every time she's out to carefully monitor her heart rate, GPS location, and body temperature, all the while grinning like a mad scientist and slowly rubbing my hands together, maybe saying, "Good... goooood..." every few minutes, and it's all thanks to some of the sexiest panties ever created by man.  Look at them.  They look like shorts that everyone wore in the 70's. I'm getting a raging hard-on right now just by looking at them (and the ultra-sexy radar waves being emitted). They look like hot pants - and don't get me wrong, hot pants are great - but they're a little too big for panties.  Panties should be small and lacy and slightly see through.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go masturbate.

The best part of the website by far is the testimonial section.  First of all, there are only two testimonials, but I'm pretty sure that's still 100% of their customers giving feedback.

When my daughter hit puberty I nearly had a heart attack. She started looking like a woman and suddenly she was wearing revealing clothing and staying out late with her friends. Rather than become an over-protective parent, I decided to try forget-me-not panties™. They work wonderfully. My wife and I bought our Sarah several pairs so we can watch her around the clock, and if we see her temperature rising too high, we intervene by calling her cellphone or just picking her up wherever she is. My only comment is it would be great to have a video camera, maybe you can work that into V.2.

Okay, asshole.  Look, I can understand being worried that your daughter is giving head to 30-year-old fry cooks inside the dumpster behind McDonald's every night, especially when she's starting to look "like a woman and [wears] revealing clothing," but I think there are healthier ways to go about this than by buying her homing-device underwear.  For instance, how about you stop letting her leave the house dressed like a whore?  I mean, if you're so worried about her that you're stalking her, don't let her out of the house in an I-want-sex outfit anymore.  I mean really. Doesn't this asshole have a job?  He watches her around the clock. That's a little nuts.  And how does that not make him an over-protective parent?  The only difference here is that he's being sneaky about it instead of straight out telling her to stop offering hand-jobs to people sitting at red lights. Maybe he always wanted to be a spy, and this is his only chance to live the life of international mystery, passion, and espionage.  Not overprotective, my ass. Every time she goes for a jog, her cell phone rings. If you're tracking your daughter through military location technology, when you see her heart rate and temperature go up, would you really want to know what she's doing?  "*ring ring* Hello, Sarah?  You're not being fucked in the ass right now, are you?  Please tell me you're not being fucked in the ass.  Ass-fucking is something mommies and daddies do to show how much they love each other. It's like a big, dirty bear hug.  In the ass."  Also, it takes a special kind of sick fuck to want a video camera sewn into his daughter's panties.

Like all companies trying to prove how great they are, Forget-Me-Not Panties says, "We are proud to say we have been written-up in several international magazines."  You're right; people are talking about you, and now you can add me to the list.  I'm sure they'll imply it's all positive remarks though and not let on that everyone thinks they're going a little overboard to help possessive boyfriends and husbands, not to mention crazy, way overprotective parents.

The panties that include the heart rate monitor and heat sensor are $179.99.  A pair.  If you really want to know what you're woman is up to, you can probably hire a hobo to follow her around for a week and all it will cost you is a fifth of whiskey, a sandwich, and possibly a hand-job (but that depends on the hobo).  And, let's face it, a hobo is probably following her around with his pants around his ankles right now for free anyway. Might as well give him something for it so he'll take notes while catching his breath in between bouts of furious masturbation.

This whole thing is a horrible idea.  I have a hard time believing that a woman wearing these panties won't know something's sewn inside.  Panties fit kind of tight around the waist (in case you're unfamiliar with panties or just an idiot). These things run on a watch battery, which is about a centimeter thick and a little smaller than a dime, and then there's probably some type of housing for the battery and also the transmitter itself.  Call me crazy, but I think she's going to feel that lump almost immediately.  And good luck trying to get her to wear them.  If she's cheating on you, I think she'd probably wear sexier underwear when she goes to the motel to meet her fuck buddy.  Also, what do you say when you bring them home from the store or whatever?  "Hey, honey.  I, uh, bought you some panties today."  "Why did you buy me panties?  I mean, I could understand if you bought me sexy crotchless panties, but why did you buy me these panties?"  "Uh...  Shit, I wasn't ready for that.  Um, because I love you?  Now put 'em on before you meet the 'girls' for a drink!"

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