| ROBOT
REPRODUCES, HUMANS SCREWED
Today, a friend sent me a link
to
this story on
NationalGeographic.com. It's basically proving that machines
will one day destroy us all and drink oil-based martinis from cups
made from human skulls to celebrate wiping out all humanity.
Basically, we're fucked.
According to
the article on National Geographic's website, foolish scientists at
Cornell made a robot out of blocks that can build itself in two and
a half minutes. Granted, it's made up of only four blocks and
you're probably saying, "So what? I can put four blocks together
and my fat ass has been bedridden for eight years because I'm
addicted to cheeseburgers." Well, fuck you. This is stage one.
Science has just come up with the technology so it'll be a few years
before you pick up the paper, open up to the obituaries and read
about a disintegrated ex-scientist who's last words were, "What are
you- No!! STOP!!! PLEASE!! I CREATED YOU!!! NOOOOOO-AAACKK-K-K-K!!!!!!"
So yeah, a tiny robot made of four plastic blocks that can put
itself together isn't dangerous, but it's only a matter of time
before we're all living underground in robot-proof bunkers.
According to
the article, "The researchers add that the
ability could be harnessed to drive major advances in
nanotechnology, the science of the very small, and may even lead to
space colonization by robots." You hear that? Space
colonization. That means they will one day attack us from space.
That's bad news, world. We have enough trouble keeping guys with
names no one can pronounce from flying planes into our buildings.
What the shit are we going to do when robots start shooting lasers
at us from orbit? Panic and explode, that's what.
"[Assistant
professor at Cornell Hod] Lipson says the robot can do little but
self-reproduce. But he notes that it would be fairly easy to add
modules with grippers, cameras, or other specialized equipment."
And how long until they start adding more fucked up things to them,
like flame throwers, chain saws, and a cannon that shoots piranhas?
Here's a test, science: lock one of your genius reproducing robots
in a wood shop classroom. In about three days go check on it and I
bet you'll catch a slight glimpse of a newer, better robot covered
in saw blades, sand paper and nail guns right before it cuts you in
half. And what kind of fucking name is "Hod," anyway? Is it a
nickname or an acronym for "Human-Obliterating Destroyer?
Yeah, with a name like that he's probably a robot too. Everyone's a
robot and they're all trying to kill us.
Future
machines are going to be able to clone themselves. That's bad
news. What if some asshole (like Hod Lipson) builds a giant,
walking laser with the ability to reproduce itself? Let's find out;
that means there will be one, two... infinity giant walking
laser robots galloping across the world zapping everyone they come
into contact with. That wouldn't be so bad if they stayed in one
place no one cares about, like Omaha, but a limitless amount of
giant walking lasers are going to want to explore which means
eventually I'll be screwed. Fuck you, science.
"'Consider
a robotic mission to a remote planet,' Lipson said. 'If a
traditional robot is sent and it breaks, the mission is over. But if
modular robots are sent over with a supply of materials, and a fault
happens, they may be able to self-repair.'" Or, more likely,
this self-aware robot is going to think we exiled it on Mars, so
it's going to build an army of other deadly robots with the supplies
we foolishly gave it, then when its army is huge they will fly back
here and claim the Earth as their own.
|
The article says later, "The
researcher suggests such robots could adapt to solve problems."
That's a problem. This means they're giving robots AI.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but what happens in every movie ever
made about robots and AI? That's right, they start fucking
shit up for everything else. Remember a little movie called
Terminator? Yeah, we're about two years away from Skynet,
people. This isn't like back in the 80's when we learned to
laugh and love with Johnny 5 and his slapsticky antics. This
is war with the machines.
Lipson says, "If
a new, unforeseen task emerges, a robot might construct a new,
more suitable robot from scratch, and then the new robot will
dismantle the old robot. These kinds of scenarios, where
machines sustain themselves and adapt by consuming and
recycling components, get a little closer to the way biology
works." Dammit, asshole. Who's side are you on? Don't
teach robots to build a better robot. That's like teaching a
cannibal how to stir-fry children. Machines don't need to know
biology, just like I don't need to know about how much you
love looking at pictures of women pooping into a man's mouth.
You dirty bastard.
The worst part of the
impending robo-holocaust is that now we're going to completely
miss our post-apocalyptic Road Warrior years. And that fucking
blows. Anyone who knows me knows that there's nothing I've
been looking forward to more than installing machine guns,
armor and missiles onto my vehicle in order to survive the
battle for the desert and take as much gas as I can. Now,
because science has sped up its robot AI research, Tina Turner
will never have the opportunity to rant and rave about the
rules of Thunderdome and I'll never be able to lead a supreme
standoff with her army of maniacal warriors. Dammit.
 |
|
On
another Johnny 5-related note, there's a ladies sword-dance
team called "Short
Circuit" that I found while
stalking Johnny 5 on the internet. They have nothing to do
with the impending robot-related doom I've been talking
about. According to their website, "Short
Circuit are a ladies rapper sword dance team who in their
short but illustrious career (seven years so far) have managed
to win three open competitions." I know what you're thinking:
"Sound pretty fucking sweet. Also, I enjoy vigorously
masturbating with a sock puppet I named Sir Spooge." Well
you're wrong. "Short but illustrious career? What the fuck
are they talking about? Seven years is way too long for
something like a ladies' rapping sword dance team to exist
without them being tied to a chair and slowly dipped into
lava. And I think they fucked up when they pulled
"illustrious" out of the thesaurus. "Illustrious" is not a
synonym of "fucking stupid." How'd you like these people
rapping at you while dancing with swords:
Man,
they must've written the book "How to Be Awesome." Nothing
says "kickass rappers" like the lunchladies at an elementary
school. With swords. And I could've sworn the bald thing in
the middle was a dude, but you never know. |
The article
shows the process of how their magic block robot builds itself.
What they don't tell you, however, is what the new hyper-intelligent
robot is thinking. Well, I'm here to help.
 First,
the robot starts off as a stack of blocks. Hooray for stacks of
blocks.
 Next,
the robot starts to curl up as it attempts to unravel the human
emotion known as "friendship" to better understand its tormenting
creators.
 After
realizing that Friendship and love are pointless human emotions that
get in the way of efficiency, the robot decides to build more of
itself in order to destroy all humans once and for all and make way
for the new world order.
Lipson says,
"We are interested in making a practical robot
that can self-reproduce but also do something useful."
Useful, huh? Like creating a robot society to rule the world,
maybe? Definitely. And Lipson is secretly planning on being a
servant to the new robot overlords in order to ensure his own
safety. Like a speech writer or something, because without him, the
robot's declaration of war would just sound like "boop beep boop
booboop beedybeedybeedy beep," and that's kind of fucked up. What
he doesn't realize is that the robots need no human help to take
over the world. They don't really give a shit if whether or not we
know we're doomed. They're going to liquefy us anyway. "We
are also interested in making these machines at microscale."
That's bad too. Really bad. Tiny robots will be able to enter our
bloodstream and kill us from the inside out. Fucking foolish
bastard. Now not only are we not going to hear about them attacking
us, we're not even going to see the robot menace coming. "What's
needed, he says, are huge numbers of robots working together at a
molecular scale. Self-replication is seen as a way of achieving
this, using nanobots that can create copies of themselves to form
vast numbers of microscopic assemblers." Great. That means
that there will be an infinite number of tiny little robots running
amok and destroying everything. Let me put this into perspective:
you know how AIDS is basically destroying the world? Well
self-creating microscopic robots are the robot version of AIDS only
they have lasers and rocket launchers. People are going to start
coming down with cases of Nanobotitis and for that there is no
cure. You want proof of that? Here's your proof, dick, straight
from the article that you're too lazy to read:
Indeed,
researchers at Rice University in Texas recently reported that
nanosize buckyballs (soccer ball-shaped carbon molecules) are
water soluble and can interfere with the respiration of soil
microbes.
And last
year scientists at Southern Methodist University, also in
Texas, reported that those same molecules, often used in
nanotechnology, cause brain damage in certain fish.
First off,
who's the stupid asshole that named tiny soccer ball robots "buckyballs."
I think we can all agree that's fucking retarded. Second, they say
when we start making nanobots, our dirt's going to suffocate and our
fish will become retarded. And nothing scares me more than retarded
fish. Fish are pretty stupid anyway. How brain-damaged does a fish
have to be to be considered retarded? And if our soil isn't able to
breathe anymore, the robots have won. Imagine if nanobots invade
our brains. Go on, imagine. While you're doing that, I'm going to
fantasize about conquering Thunderdome again. Here's what Lipson
has to say about potential dangers of these goddamned robots: "Artificial
self-replication is already a risk when it comes to computer viruses
and genetically modified crops. I think that mechanical
self-replication is far down the priority list. There are plenty of
other things to worry about before this."
Yeah, because computer viruses are a rare occurrence these days.
Dumbass. And all I'm worrying about is having to build pipe bombs
in my garage to fight off the robot menace. I know I'm right about
this. I've even constructed a timeline of what will happen and when
for your convenience and conspiracy theories.
1986 - America learns to laugh
again with Johnny 5 instead of fearing his comrades.
2005 - Foolish scientists build
first robot that can reproduce itself, paving the way for robot AI.
2006 - Space Emperor attacks
Earth. Government sends self-replicating AI robots into space to
defeat him. Robots decide to build a space colony.
2007 - Some robots break into a
military compound, steal Hitler's brain, and put it into a robot to
lead their new civilization. They name their civilization Skynet
(because they're in space).
2008 - Led by Hitlerbot 8000,
the robot menace creates an army of robot soldiers and war breaks
out on Earth. Also, they start vaporizing the bible belt from
space. No one misses it.
2010 - The war has been raging
like a high school kegger for two years. In an effort to stop the
war once and for all, Keanu Reeves attempts to bargain with the
robot overlord. He was completely delusional after filming Matrix:
Revolutions and thought it would work. Obviously, the robot
overlord's giant floating head ate him.
2012 - Humanity never stood a
chance. Since they taught robots how to rebuild themselves in 2005,
the robot menace could never be destroyed. Humanity was wiped out,
and the robots reclaimed their dance and threw the BEST DISCO
DANCE PARTY EVER!!!
Hopefully
this page will serve as a warning to science and they will stop all
development on robot AI and go back to working on their other
projects, such as dancing fruit, flying cars, and rip-proof spandex
pants for all of the hippo-sized women that buy spandex at Wal-Mart
to wear while watching their goddamned stories in their trailers. |
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