Today, I got this uplifting email from some type of happiest-thing-ever named "Friends Are Great" (that praises him 2!!!!!!).  Here it is:

Yes, it does sound like it was translated from Japanese into Latin into Sanskrit and then into English using an incomplete set of magnetic refrigerator poetry.  I have no idea how I got signed up for uplifting friendship emails sent by a a team of robotic pink bunnies, but it did fill my insides with sunshine jelly (well, it was either sunshine jelly filling up my insides or the boiling poison I drank drank earlier to prove how tough I am).  My new internet friend even truly in hope I am well, and that's the nicest thing any robot has ever said to me.  No one else truly in hopes I am well, and from now on you can all kiss my ass until you are all truly in hope about my wellness.  But the fact that "Friends Are Great" said we are only simple friends upsets me.  "Friends Are Great" must not think I'm living up to my bestest friend potential.  So, in order to correct this and get the golden star of lovely brotherhood, I've printed out the email and made many copies of it.  Then I sent one to the angry guy who lives down the street and 73 random addresses.  I also included this picture:

I can't wait to see how many friends I make with this inspiring message of love and fellowship!  I am truly in hope the luckiest guy ever.  I wish this wasn't the last greeting I will ever get from "Friends Are Great" because I don't remember getting any from him before, and if I had I would have put all of the emails in my special happy dream box I keep in the basement next to the cage that's filled with all the screaming children I've kidnapped over the years.  And now that I think about it, I should've given some friendship cards to all of my little captives yesterday, but instead I'll just give them this card/warning when I throw their raw circus animal meat dinner at them tonight:

Note: I have no idea where I got this picture from, but it's awesome.  If you made it, email me because you're my new hero.  My old hero was Lou Diamond Phillips.

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