| BUMPER STICKERS ARE LAME
Yeah, so I'm driving into work
today blasting my radio (because if I'm awake, everybody else damn
well better be too), and I pull up to a red light behind some
redneck in an old, beat-up Chevy pickup (imagine that). The first
thing that caught my eye was a sticker on the tailgate (is that what
you rednecks call that thing?) that said "TBA." It was one of those
stupid white oval bumper stickers. You know, the ones with two or
three random letters slapped on it? Yeah, that's the one. So as
I'm trying to figure out what, exactly, the TBA bumper sticker is
planning to announce in the near future, I see another bumper (for
some reason, every time I try to type "bumper" I type "bumber;" I
don't know why either but it's really annoying) sticker on his back
windshield. It says, "I FISH & I VOTE" really big. "Really?
Fishing and voting?" I thought to myself. "This guy is
fucking incredible!" I mean really, to be able to master fishing
and then also somehow find the time to vote for
whichever candidate rallies behind the fishing industry is
completely mind-boggling. He must be some sort of SUPER redneck,
and that's no good for pretty much everybody. As I'm sitting in my
car thinking, "What a fuckhead," I thought about how I hate pretty
much all bumper stickers period. I've also decided to share some of
the more annoying ones.
Unfortunately, I couldn't find some of the stickers I really wanted
to bitch about, like the "I Fish and I Vote" sticker, but I found
plenty more that annoy the piss out of me. Also, I left out the gay
religious ones that say incredibly stupid shit like "Life is short:
pray hard" because everyone already hates them. Then I had to leave
out Darwin fish stickers because, though annoying enough, then I'd
have to talk about the myriad of god-related crap because all
the two factions do is try to one-up each other with bumper
stickers, and you don't have to be a jackass that masturbates to
anime to know that battle is too pathetic for words. Anyway, here
are some annoying wastes of bumper-space:
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I tend to immediately hate
any woman that will proudly display this crap on her car.
Basically, she's admitting to being a total cunt, and she's
proud of it. It says, "I am fucking terrific. Everyone
do what I say because I know everything and I'm the best
person ever. If you don't like it, tough because I'm a
bitch." I hate people like this. Being a bitch isn't
something to be proud of; it just means that you're going to
have lube up another frozen hot dog tonight. |
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Ever notice the type of
women that have this bumper sticker or one like it (another
popular one says "Make Way for the Princess" or some such
shit)? Yeah. What do they look like? Usually shovel-faced
with makeup that somehow makes them uglier. Join all that up
with long, brittle, crunchy frizz hair (it doesn't matter what
color because it's still hideous). They are also loud,
obnoxious, and extremely fucking stupid. They can't drive for
shit, cause accidents, and yell at you when they fuck up
because in their mind they're perfect. Whoever initially hit
her in the face with a shovel (to make her look like that)
should come back and finish the job. |
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Another award-winning "I
love being a celibate bitch" bumper sticker. Most
ridiculously fat and possibly greasy girls like to sport the
"bitch" credo. That's so they can blame their inability to get
laid on being "too real and in-your-face" (which is retarded
in itself) as opposed to blaming it on the plastic bags full
of dripping cottage cheese they have strapped to their legs,
ass, gut, etc. |
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This one is for the
gold-diggers (and flamboyant gay men). These women have no
skills whatsoever, but they do know the quickest route to the
mall, and they drive their Lexus SUV's there daily to blow
money on shit I've never even heard of. With all of the
shopping and splurging, these women haven't found the time to
fit "get a fucking education" in between all of clearance
sales. |
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Here's a bumper sticker I
really hate. You normally only see these fake bullet holes on
GM cars from the early 90's, and said cars typically belong to
stupid dudes between 16 and 22. The bullet holes help back up
their image of being a total hardass, since being a total
hardass is the most important thing possible when playing in
his Puddle Of Mudd-esque band in his mom's garage. These guys
also have these stickers on their car to back up their stories
of hanging out in the ghetto of their small, suburban
community. For the record, the "ghetto" of these small
communities is the one house in the cul de sac that needs to
be painted. Also, the occupants of the house only have one
housekeeper. Keep on rocking though, cool guy! The world
needs another psuedo-hardcore/metal three-chord crap band out
there. There just aren't enough. |
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Hippies would have you
believe that hemp is the shit. They think it's the most
useful fiber ever. I'll have to agree that no other material
can be made into cheap jewelry and sold for too much money to
gullible college kids that listen to too much Phish (any Phish
is too much Phish) as efficiently. "Ooh, it's made of pot!
I'M SUCH A FUCKING REBEL!!! Anyone have any trail mix?
Peace, dudes." Guess what, retards? You can't smoke it, and
last I checked, hemp products were legal. If you want legal
pot that badly, move your species to British Columbia and keep
your jam band garbage to yourselves. |
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First of all, it's a fairy
tale. Second, let it go. Not everyone wants to keep women
down. Last time I checked, women can get jobs doing whatever
they want. I love the whole feminist movement thing that's
still going on. I'm not exactly sure what they're still
trying to accomplish, but I think it's hilarious that a lot of
women gunning for equality of the sexes won't hesitate to whip
their tits out to get out of a ticket, or use their sex appeal
to their advantage in any other situation. Never mind that
they're total hypocrites, there's a man out there somewhere
making more money than some random woman for a similar job,
and they'll be damned if they're going to let that happen.
Ignore variables like particular companies, how long each of
them have been employed, etc. Women should get $60,000 in an
entry level customer service position because there's a rumor
that some dude in marketing makes that much. |
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This one's pretty
creative. They took the Intel logo (that's the Intel Inside
logo for all of the retards following along), painted it red,
and changed "Intel" to "evil." Wow. I'm taken aback. I
think my Clever-O-Meter's needle just flew past "Wowee" and
started hovering above "Gadzooks!" All of the stickers and
T-shirts like this are retarded too. I don't know why you'd
be caught dead wearing an "Evil Inside" or "Satan Rules"
T-shirt, or why you'd be caught walking into Hot Topic in the
first place. But the people who shop at Hot Topic are fools
to begin with, which is why they brag, "I shop at Hot Topic
with my allowance money." Also, it says "I'm trying hard to
be a goth kid, or an emo kid since emo is the new social
retard." I can't even believe this goth nonsense hasn't been
flushed out of existence after the many swirlies these goofy
kids have received, and instead has been relabeled as emo,
added more bad haircuts, and got popular. You'll typically
see this sticker on the car of either a really fat 16-year-old
girl with black hair and an infected nose ring or a pasty
Dungeons and Dragons kid wearing a fishnet shirt, a lame-ass
skull necklace, and sporting hair that was cut by his
lawnmower and dyed with Easter egg paint. After all, nothing
says "I'm evil" like really bad hair. |
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You can diet, but let's be
honest: you never have, and you never will. Enjoy your case
of Twinkies, tubbs. |
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I sincerely hope this
mistakenly got mixed up with the bumper stickers on the
internet, because unless it's four feet tall, no one's going
to be able to read it. And if anyone tried, they'd probably
die in a car crash/giant kickass fireball combination. But
it's a sticker, so I'm going to write about it.
It's about Gideon, who is
some dude in the Bible. I don't remember him from all of the
brainwashing I got in Catholic school, but this sticker's
pretty self explanatory. Gideon killed a bunch of people in
the name of god, just like every other nut-ball out there. So
what? What's really amazing is that whoever wrote this shit
uses the word "hoodwinked." To whomever slid that word in
there: there aren't enough feet in the world to kick your ass
as much as it needs it.
I think it's also funny
that this was made by an organization (of, most likely,
hippies) called "Freethought Today." Aside from the fact that
"free thought" is two words, aren't they trying to get people
to think like them with this information? I think so. But
whatever. All of these groups, religious and not, are
comprised of fucking idiots. One is not better than another.
Fanatics from both sides also love to do something so
pointless it makes my brain hurt: protest shit. Protesting
solves nothing. None of these hippies and religious fanatics
will ever go away as a whole. If someone is preaching to you
about something you don't believe in, don't argue your point
and don't counter-protest. Give them a little protest of your
own: punch them in the throat. There, problem solved.
On another side note:
Gideon's son killed 69 of his step brothers. Gideon was a
fucking pimp and a half, man. Talk about setting up
franchises... |
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There is absolutely
nothing worse than a woman who drives a pickup truck. I hate
pickups and most of the people that drive them, but the women
are especially bad. A woman that drives a truck is all
about her pickup truck. Don't believe me? Next time you
see a woman getting into a pickup truck after a tractor pull
or rodeo or something, say "Nice truck" and listen to her go
off on how fucking awesome it is and how much she loves to
haul dirt and 2x4's. |
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Boy, I've never seen this
one before. Clever. One of these days I'm going to call
that number and see whose number it really is. If it connects
to a legitimate business or something, the people at that
business are constantly on the verge of suicide. |
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Whenever I see someone
driving around with this sticker or something like it, I make
it my #1 priority to let them know that they're total morons.
You should do the same. If, however, you have one of these
stickers on your car, I want you to do something for the good
of the human race: set your stupid ass on fire and remove
yourself from the world. Thank you. |
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You are a fucking pussy.
Stop crying. |
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Another hippy
inspirational quote. This is the kind of shit you see on
posters with kittens and puppies in a guidance counselor's
office. It means absolutely nothing and contains a really
stupid analogy, but the world is full of stupid assholes that
give the people that come up with this shit money. Well, if
they didn't send it to hippy philosophers with a printer and
sticker-paper, they'd probably just as soon give it to some
televangelist. |
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Here's another one, but
this is much worse. It's much worse because it's like 16
times too long. The name at the end is too small to clearly
read, but I can tell you this: I don't care. Have fun eating
tofu, you dirty fuck. |
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Oh really? Why, because
no man would ever penetrate your disgusting dirty fat ass? I
hate PMS. It's like a "Get out of being civil" card that's
good for a week. I don't care if you're ovulating. Maybe
they're so pissed because they haven't had a chance to get
pregnant being that there's no amount of alcohol in the world
that will get some dude drunk enough to fuck this annoying fat
bitch's sloppy hole. It's especially bad when the "little man
in the canoe" looks more like a fat guy in a bath tub full of
cottage cheese. So continue hiding behind PMS, Oh
Perpetually Celibate One! |
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...and have fun driving
the kids to and from soccer practice. Also, don't forget to
teach your family the true meaning of Christmas in between
hanging up pictures of your very disturbed children in fruit
and vegetable costumes and baking your award-winning rhubarb
pie for the neighborhood bake-off! |
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Yeah, because there were
no such things as violence, theft, murder, etc. before TV was
invented. Also, pre-Hollywood, whenever there was a war,
soldiers fought with candy and hugs instead of guns. |
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What year is it again? Oh
yeah, shave your legs and armpits, you disgusting, sexless,
reeking lumps of wasted time. That reminds me: the Ice Age
called, and it wants its cheerleaders back. |
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Finally, a bumper sticker
as plain, boring and utterly useless as its target
demographic. I love that I randomly put this sticker below a
feminist bumper sticker since soccer mom's have done so much
for the women's movement. Of course, when the feminists need
refreshing lemonade and delicious rice krispie squares, one of
their own can answer the call! That is, only when rallies
don't conflict with soccer practice, band camp, and family
therapy. |
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"Come on, fella's! Follow
me to the outlet store! Then it's off to Jiffy Lube to get
the oil changed in the family minivan! Hooray! If you see my
husband, tell him that his balls are in the freezer! I know
everything because I'm a receptionist at a grade school!
Huzzah! |
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You might want to make
this sticker a little bigger, asshole. Then someone might
actually be able to read is without riding your ass and
getting a squinting-related migraine. You might also want to
remove the bumper sticker altogether so people don't think
you're a jackass. Whoops, too late. |
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This is weird. We're all
from the goddess? I don't know what part of the goddess I
came from, but I think I know which part anyone sporting this
sticker came from. Here's a hint: it starts with "D" and ends
with "irty Sphincter." |
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Wicca confuses me a little
bit. Not the part about how they all have super powers, burn
random herbs from their moms' spice racks, and smell like
dirty hippies. No, I don't understand how they expect anyone
to take them seriously when they have webpages full of bad
poetry, spells called "make the captain of the football team
fall in love with me," and stupid enough to spell "magic"
wrong. There's no 'k' on the end, buddy. How about casting
the spell of "quietly following our beliefs without satisfying
the urge to let the whole fucking world know about how I like
to waste my time." No one cares. Well, except for the
Fundamentalists, and if you give half a shit what they have to
say about anything, you're just as stupid and insane as they
are. Here are
some more faults with the bumper sticker: First, Wiccans don't
want to be seen as Halloweenie witches, yet there is one on
the sticker. Granted it could be there for irony's sake, but
that'd be giving most of them too much credit. Second, I
don't think I've ever heard or read about someone telling a
goth kid to fly silently into the night. Anyone who says that
should probably get back to raising barns and churning
butter. Third, the sticker is promoting the "Wiccan Army." I
never heard of them, but they're probably above members of the
Kiss Army in terms of how prone they are to getting their
lunch trays knocked out of their hands in the cafeteria of
life. Be Wiccan, whatever, but don't preach to me about it
because I don't care and you sound just like every other
goofball that takes your religion way too seriously. Why
are you all constantly in the middle of a membership drive? |
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