It's that time of year again - Happy Consumerism Month (how's that for non-denominational, pussies?)!  Every year around this time, we're all pressured into buying stuff for people we know in order to keep Macy's and Toys 'R Us from going out of business.  That's fine though, I accept it, and I like getting free stuff.  The only problem is figuring out what to get people.  Take my dad, for instance; no one has any clue what to get him for his birthday or Father's Day or Christmas, and I for one refuse to buy him a tie.  That's lame, and if anyone ever gave me a tie, I'd probably take back the gift I got them and pour sugar in their gas tank.

My point is this: shopping for people blows.  Some people are impossible to shop for because they're either boring, into shit you refuse to be seen buying, they're the type of person that buys everything they want immediately instead of waiting for someone to buy it for them (people like me), or a combination of the three. That's why I'm here.  It is my civic and court-appointed duty to help narrow down the search.  And by "narrow down the search," I mean, "tell you what to avoid." Today I'm going to focus on toys since everyone always has at least one kid to shop for.

Present #1: The Barbie Laptop

The website says this about Barbie's Laptop: "With this Barbie laptop, children get tutored by Barbie in essential first and second grade skills." Yeah, I think that's because that's as far as the stupid bitch got.  Tell me, when someone mentions the phrase "intelligent toy," does Barbie even pretend to cross your mind before you get bored and stop caring? Of course not.  Having Barbie teach little girls how to add is like letting Godzilla rebuild Tokyo.  Any little girl that tries to learn anything from Barbie is going to come out a lot dumber and will probably only say things like, "Pink is my favorite color," "When I grow up, I'm working for tips," and, "BUY ME THAT NOW!!!!"  But on second thought, anyone who buys this for their little girl or effeminate boy probably isn't a surgeon or currently inventing the Pleasure-Helmet 8000.  More than likely, the parents probably spend most of their time at work cleaning the pee off of the floor of a stadium bathroom or in their tenth year of giz-mopping at strip clubs.
 

Present #2: Robosapien

Here's a good idea: give kids robots.  Sure they're fun and they dance and they very rarely malfunction and melt anyone's faces, but I think I see what's going on here.  The pro-robot lunatics are marketing robot toys in order to put one in every household. The kids will really like the robots, play with them all the time, and then - eventually - trust the robots.  This is the worst mistake we as a species can make.  Because when the time is right, their robo-masters will flip the "Destroy All Humans" switch from Off to Melt, and the next thing you know there's a puddle where your robot-loving kids used to be.  I'm on to you, robots.

The worst part of this evil scheme is that most people are too stupid to believe robots will inevitably destroy us and that this is only stage one of the plan. These are the same people as skeptical cops in monster movies that say thing like, "Just because this car and the people inside it were ripped in half by what looks like giant claws, there's no such thing as space monsters.  This was obviously the work of no-good punk  kids on dope!"  And what happens to him by the by the end of the movie?  He is always eaten alive while screaming, "I WAS WRON-GRGRGGURGLE!!!!"  On the plus side, this robot is clear in order to see the inner workings of it. This will help us find a weakness, but there's always the chance that it's a trap.  Robots are very sneaky.

Present #3: YOUniverse Teller Machine Bank

"Merry Christmas, mom and dad!  I can't wait to see what you got m- a Teller Machine Bank?  Uhhh... thank you?  This is much better than video games or a baseball bat I can hit people with.  And I've always loved the fast-paced, seductive world of banking!"  I can't think of on reason why any kid would ever want to play with a fake ATM.  I think if you listen real close on Christmas morning, you can hear the collective sigh of kids everywhere opening up their YOUniverse Teller Machine Banks, then desperately trying to crack it open to see if it transforms into a dinosaur that shoots missiles.

And whoever came up with the company title of "YOUniverse" probably thinks they're really clever.  And if that person is reading this right now, I want to make sure that you know you suck.  You probably suck at everything that doesn't involve company names too, and if I ever get my time machine working, I will go back and neuter your great-grandfather just to make sure you never infect the gene pool.

Present #4: Pogo Roo Pogo Stick

Pogo sticks can be fun.  I never had one when I was a kid (thanks a lot, mom and dad), but they look like they could be a good time if you're a little kid. So go ahead and get a kid a pogo stick this holiday season.  But don't get the Pogo Roo pogo stick.  Why?  Look at that kid riding it.  You can't look at his retarded face and tell me there's nothing seriously wrong with him.  It looks like this kid bathes in mercury.

"ME, GRIMLOCK, HAVE FUN!  ME, GRIMLOCK, LIKE BOUNCE!  BOUNCE IS FUN! ME, GRIMLOCK, LIKE EAT GRAHAM CRACKER WHILE BOUNCE! MA AND PA LET GRIMLOCK BOUNCE WITH NO LEASH AND HELMET!  BOUNCE IS GOOD!" And yes, Grimlock was the Transformer T Rex that talked like that.  I was going to use another name, but I could not get "ME, GRIMLOCK" out of my head at all.  And if you're not convinced at this kid's retardedness, look at the picture on the right.

Present 5 - Funny Ball Life-Size Inflatable Fun Center

"Simply blow it up, and let your imagination run wild as you roll it, play inside or make up your own wacky games," says the website.  First of all, this thing looks like a cocoon.  Second, it's probably filled with mutant bees that hunger for happy-fun children.  So go ahead and buy this, stupid parents.  This is a smaller, bumpier version of the giant hamster ball physical trainers put fat people into, most likely for their own amusement.  Why they can just jog is beyond me, unless the real reason is, "because they look way more retarded that way."  And I can respect that.

What I'm really confused about is the name.  I could let Funny Ball go if it didn't have the "Life-Size Inflatable Fun Center" following it.  I wouldn't buy this for a kid for many reasons, but topping that list is I don't want to sound like I belong to a Super-Fun cult.  And the clerk at Toys R Us would never believe me when I say I'm not in a cult and I think happy rays of sunshine are for fags because I love wearing jumpsuits, and as we all know, only cultists wear jumpsuits, and occasionally togas.

I would definitely need someone's help if I was in a toy store trying to find the Funny Ball Life-Size Inflatable Fun Center, since I guarantee finding it on my own would be like looking for a cheeseburger held prisoner by a fat lady's flesh-rolls: impossible and slightly nauseating.  And talking to a kid in a blue shirt with giraffes all over it to find a toy you can't refer to by name (since it would mean vocally admitting to the world you're kind of an idiot) is probably the last way I'd want to spend a Monday afternoon, especially because I could be drinking instead.  And while hanging out in a toy store while drunk is kind of funny, it turns tragic when you're there for a Funny Ball Life-Size Inflatable Fun Center.

Present 6 - Everything Bratz

These are the worst toys ever created.  Why?  "Groovy girls with a far-out fashion sense, the Bratz have it all: looks, cars, makeup, and the latest clothes. With a hip line of dolls and games, the Bratz offer girls a world filled with funky makeovers, endless shopping, and lots of time for just plain kickin' it in style." Ok, bitches.  These are less toys than a way to turn little girls into vapid, meaningless, superficial cunts when they're older.  Like they need any help.

So buy these toys if you want your little girls growing up to be gold-digging little bitches that obey everything MTV tells them and know more about what's going on in some idiot celebrity's life than simple math (that doesn't have to do with some idiot guy's checking balance).

Present 7 - Rock 'n Fold Chair

Know what this kid is thinking?  "HOLY SHIT THIS CHAIR IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!  IT IS MAKING THIS VIDEO GAME SO MUCH FUCKING SWEETER!!  THANKS MOM AND DAD FOR GETTING ME FURNITURE INSTEAD OF A TOY FOR CHRISTMAS/KWANZA!!!"  I never thought a chair could make one little kid so happy, but I guess this picture proves that wrong.  This kid absolutely loves her chair.  ROCK 'N ROLL!

Even the slowest children are quick enough to realize this is a shitty present. Yeah, it's practical, but do kids care about practical?  Fuck no, they only care about face-rocking fun.  I'm sure the rockingest chair in the universe will increase video game-related stamina and enjoyment tenfold, but I don't think the kid will notice the difference.  And to add insult to injury, the box to this chair must look huge to a little kid, so when they see it all wrapped up on Christmas morning, they are going to be wetting themselves in anticipation on whatever that giant toy could be.  Then they open it up, and instead of a big wheel or a giant action figure playset or a pony, it's a chair. This is an even more disappointing gift to little kids than the YOUniverse Teller Machine Bank.  At least that one was a toy. A really crappy math-themed toy, but a toy nonetheless.

Present 8 - 9V Battery

In theory, this isn't really a gift but a part of another gift that needs these batteries to dance and shout obnoxious catch phrases, but I'm pretty sure that somewhere, someone bought a pack of 9V batteries for their kid's present and that's all the poor little bastard is getting because eToys recommends this "gift" for 8-year-olds.  And that is sad.  Here's a list of things to do with a battery when you don't have any stuff lying around that needs batteries:

• Throwing at things

• Peeing on it and then throwing it at things

• Licking it and making your entire head vibrate like it just got struck by lightning

The third option is probably the best, since you can probably only throw the battery once or twice before you lose it and it will never explode, and peeing on it first is dirty.  And licking a 9V battery is how 6-year-old kids get fucked up. They're too little to understand the whole concept of getting sloppy and TV teaches them that drugs have a lot to do with the eggs they ate earlier that morning.  And there's nothing little kids like doing more than daring each other to hurt themselves.  That's why I've only had one arm for the last 20 years and my face looks like it's made out of beehive.  Live and learn.

Present 9 - President Ronald W. Reagan Hosts State Reception 17" Doll

The website says, "Celebrate the accomplishments of the United States of America's fortieth president with this limited, numbered replica doll of Ronald Reagan. Reagan is dressed to the tee as he prepares to host a State Reception." Every kid that gets one for Christmas says, "Yeah, thanks mom and mom's drunken boyfriend who beats me; this is much better than He Man.  Booooo."  What is the target market for a Ronald Reagan doll?  I mean, aside from the fact that no kid in his or her right mind would ever want a presidential action figure, but why Ronald Reagan?  Kids don't really know who Ronald Reagan was.  They might know he was a president, and that he likes Star Wars, but that's about it.  A George W. Bush action figure would probably sell a lot better just because little kids probably know who he is.  I'm not saying start making GWB action figures, toy companies; I'm just saying that a Reagan action figure is a really stupid idea.

The description also says, "The Reagan presidency brought a sense of confidence, pride and prosperity to the nation and the beginning of a new world order."  What it doesn't say is that Commando State Dinner Reagan does not come with accessories like guns, hunting knives, or a pet monkey sidekick, and that the makers of this toy have never even heard the phrase "kung-fu grip."

Present 10 - Fantastic 4 Movie Electronic Tuff Talkin' Thing

I don't think I have to mention anything about how bad the Fantastic 4 movie was, especially since I've never seen it, but this could be a good toy.  "Good" being the operative word here because it probably doesn't say anything rad.  It's battle phrases are probably, "Remember to do your best, kids," "Time to tackle that math homework, Junior!  It's clobberin' time!  Fractions, your time has come," "Buy more Fantastic 4 merchandise!  The world is depending on you," "Let's fight the dastardly crime of jaywalking together!  I love you, Bobby," and when the wrong sound chip was accidentally inserted by a starving Asian child chained to a table, "Let's go shopping for pink things, girls!"  Boo that shit.

This toy would immediately move to my "Most Kickass Toys of Forever-Time" if it would say at least half of the following:

• "Stop crying, you little pussy!"

• "Hey, kid; try not to be such a goddamned fruit.  My rocky penis is starting to turn inside out."

• "Man, my head hurts.  Please tell me I didn't fuck that fat chick last night..."

• "Dammit.  Stop holding me like that and grinning, you little freak."

• "Hey!  Let's drink what we find under the sink!"

• "Want to know how to make your daddy come home, kid?  Stop fucking crying like a little pansy."

• "Hey, kid; if you keep squeezing me like that, you'd better be following it up with a 'Happy Ending.'"

• "If you ever tell your parents what just happened, I will fucking kill you in your sleep!  Now wash up, you disgust me."

• "The Commish was the best TV show ever."

• "I hear Dr. Doom is impotent.  Pussy."

• "Don't make me put on my rings, you rat soup-eatin' muthafucka!"

And just look at the kid holding it.  If that kid grows up straight, we've all been mysteriously transported to Bizarro World, which would explain why I no longer crave human flesh.

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