I've already dealt with crappy toys you want to avoid buying, but how about finding gifts for adults?  Finding a gift for an adult is much harder than buying stuff for kids.  Kids will pretty much take anything you give them to a point, because they're stupid (what with being raised by TV and junkies and all).  Shopping for an adult will usually be harder, especially since adults have mastered the art of pure spite.  If you buy any of these gifts below for someone, you are either a complete moron that rarely leaves the house, or you hate that person and want them to hate you back.  Please note that these are pretty inapplicable to any pre-married couple, since before he is married a man (or the man in the relationship) will buy his significant other jewelry or flowers or some such bullshit and those types of things are a sure-fire way to get head later on that night..

Present 1: The Clapper

Nothing says, "I wish you'd get trampled by a parade of gorillas in dresses," like giving someone the clapper for Christmas. There's only a few reasons one of reasonable intelligence would by someone a clapper for any reason:

1. - The person you're getting it for is too old to flip a light switch and you want to rub it in

2. - The person you're getting it for is too paralyzed to flip a light switch and you want to rub it in

3. - The person you're getting it for is much too fat to get off the couch and flip a light switch and you want to run it in

4. - The person you're getting it for loves clapping and loves it even more when his/her/its clapping is accompanied by a light show

I know the clapper is an insanely awesome invention.  I know it is one more device that will help you never have to get up off the couch, and laziness is fucking sweet.  But come the fuck on.  How pissed off would you be if your gift was a clapper?  And that's just one.  What if several of your relatives/friends are borderline retarded and love everything they see for sale on TV and you get many Clappers?  What would you do with 8 Clappers? Probably get pretty fat. And I would know.  Getting up to turn things on/off is pretty much the only exercise I get, next to kicking people, so believe me when I say that anyone who can't get off their ass to turn something off better have lost both legs in the war and also have an irrational fear of wheelchairs.

Present 2: Can Crusher

"Honey?  Um.. I need a favor...  You drink a lot of soda and cans of Pabst (because it's the coolest beer you can drink right now, according to skinny guys wearing skinny ties and that chick with the dark-rimmed glasses who works at a record store), and I got a letter from the township saying that if we didn't start crushing all of those cans when we put out the recyclables they would turn our property into the newest landfill annex and possibly set our house on fire with burning garbage.  But, you see, the problem is that I have a lot of trouble stomping on a can to make it flat.  If only there was some kind of invention to help weak, borderline retarded pussies such as myself properly dispose of aluminum cans...  I know!  Check this out - an Aluminum, Can Crusher!  This is just what I need!  Please buy me for this, honey (don't forget about the 16 oz. model!), and I'll promise to get you that new wife you've been wanting so badly!"

Honestly, this is retarded.  As much a fan as I am of making her earn her keep (man, I can't even type that with a straight face), she doesn't need this.  If crushing a can of Pabst is so goddamned hard, you shouldn't be married to an 8-year-old, you fucking pervert.

And this is definitely the type of gift you'd see an inept husband give his shrill wife on the wedding anniversary episode of a shitty sitcom (like Everybody Loves Raymond - I know it was cancelled; it's still being syndicated though and it sucks balls). That, right there, should tell you how goddamned stupid you are for even considering this shit.  Someone doesn't want any ass for the next six months.

Present 3: Tampons/Pads

There is only one gift more embarrassing to get (I'm assuming) for Christmas/a birthday than a bulk-order box of tampons and pads.  This, of course, is just an assumption since I don't have a vagina (and this is in advance to everyone getting ready to email me saying, "yes you do! guffaw, guffaw - fuck you, cock-head; you're real funny), but it might not be as embarrassing as I'm making it out to be.  Whatever, if one of my aunts/uncles gave me a box of condoms and I opened it in front of my family and whoever's claiming to be my kid that week, I'd be pretty embarrassed. But not as embarrassed as them all when I try to mount them to see how durable the condoms are.  But yeah, I'd still be kind of embarrassed I guess.

Actually, no I wouldn't; I don't feel shame.  This is because I am totally awesome.

Present 4: Electric Chair

Yeah, that's right; you can buy an electric chair.  And at only just above $1,000, no less! What better way to tell someone you hate them and want them to die than by getting them their own fully-operational electric chair?

The website for this chair reads, "It's not a model or toy, mind you... This is a real piece of furniture carefully built by some very skilled (and very strange) craftsmen. You and your friends can actually strap yourself into your very own electric chair and pretend you're in the "big house," chugging down 60,000 volts. (You can also just sit in it and read, but what fun is that?)"  How this guy isn't in some CIA database at this point is beyond me.  Anyone searching for, "I want a REAL electric chair" on the internet should probably be locked in something indestructible and coated with fire.

I also like how all of my friends and I can pretend we're in the "big house chugging down 60,000 volts."  Good times, right there.  "Hey!  Check me out!  I'm a serial rapist and murderer getting his comeuppance!  YEAH!!"

Present 5: Divorce Papers

Tired of seeing his face every day first thing in the morning?  Tired of hearing her nag and scream in a shrill voice every time she catches you masturbating into her sock drawer to pictures of guys named Ted?  Is every waking moment for each of you pure torture?  Do you fantasize about flipping out and smothering your partner in his/her sleep because you just can't take any more of his/her bullshit?  Then say "I love you" this Christmas with a gift you know each of you want: divorce papers.  It's the perfect gift - a gift for both of you!

Why waste all your hard earned money on jewelry she'll only wear to impress whoever she's cheating on you with?  Why waste money on a cordless power drill that he'll never use being that he's as handy as a paraplegic on PCP?  Women don't need jewels and men have no use for power tools unless they drive a pickup truck and listen to honky tonk.  Instead, for the low, low price of whatever your lawyer charges, you can end the living hell that is your marriage!  Call now and get a free gold earring and red Miata wax for him (poor, misguided midlife crisis guy) and a half ton of extra baggage (mental and physical) for her!  Operators are standing by!

Present 6: Plant a Tree in Someone's Name

Okay, this is just a complete bullshit gift.  Anyone who gives you the magical fairy-tale gift of a tree being planted didn't really get you anything because they're cheap.  The website would like you to believe that, "It's caring, thoughtful, new and different!  It's environmentally safe and Easy to Order Everyone will love it!  It's a unique way to say... Happy Holidays!"  It's unique, all right.  I wouldn't believe the part about everyone loving it though, unless the people you're giving the trees to smell like patchouli and are covered in a thick film of forest dirt and self-righteousness.

And do you think you're giving someone JUST a tree?  Hell no, retard!  You're also giving them (my text in white, and any bolding and underlining is entirely my fault):

1. A young tree planted in any State, Province or International Tree Planting Country.  [I wonder how much work it takes a country's legislation to become an International Tree Planting Country.  Even if it was easy, I'm pretty sure the only countries that would go for International Tree Planting status have serious image problems they'd like to resolve and this is their last-ditch effort.  But guess what - no matter how many trees the French plant, the rest of the world is still going to hate them for being snooty pricks that smell like bad meat or good cheese.]

2. A framed 8" by 10" Official Certificate of Planting.  [And the certificate says, "Ha ha ha, you stupid asshole. Thanks for the $55.95.  I spent it on pot for my special lady.  Man, I can't believe how god damned stupid you are for sending me money.  Oh, and if you ever want to see your tree in person, it's in the Amazon in Brazil (which is one of our famed International Tree Planting Countries).  Just walk into the jungle.  It's the 43rd tree on the left."  The rest of the certificate was just a list of words that mean "retard" written over and over.]

3. A Christmas Gift Card with your personal message.  [The "personal message" the website put on their sample card can be ignored since 99% of all the cards given out will say something like, "Yeah, I got you a tree.  I didn't know you could own a tree in a forest either, but now we're even for those reindeer socks you fucking gave me last year. Man, that was a horrible gift.  You suck.  Enjoy your tree, pussy."]

4. FREE [!!!!] authentic Leaf Christmas Tree Ornament, handmade in New Hampshire.  [Bonus points for being FREE, but it's not like anyone really wants a tree ornament shaped like a leaf.  Decorating a tree with a leaf is sort of like decorating a burn victim with the business end of your cigar.  Plus, all a leaf ornament will do is remind the guy you gave it to that you gave him or her a really stupid gift that you put no thought into whatsoever.]

5. All gift boxed, wrapped and sent priority mail.  [...because with a gift this awesome, who wants to wait the normal 2 to 3 weeks?  I bet the wrapping paper has a leaf pattern on it too.]

And to anyone who really wants to give the gift of "bringing life and beauty to the world" to someone, give someone a puppy and a box full of... love.

Present 7: Name a Star After Someone

This is pretty much the same thing as the "Plant a Tree" gift.  Equally thoughtless and pointless, anyone that gets a star named after them as a gift will resent you.  How is this a good gift?  As if anyone who gets a star named after them will look at the sky every night for a few hours, finally find their star, and then say, "Hey! There's me!"

The site has several different kinds of packages, but I went straight for the ULTIMATE package so I could spend more money for something stupid, which gets you a bunch of framed star charts, an astrology booklet, a wallet card (for when you're at a bar bragging about the star you own and will hopefully one day visit once you finish building that spaceship in your garage), and a letter of congratulations (which is like a written version of a pat on the back, only for people that no one else wants to get near).  All that for only $139!

I quickly realized that this was way too much money to spend on a bunch of photos of the sky and a book about photos of the sky, so instead of buying it I'm just mailing people this picture (it's not like they'd know the difference anyway since you can't build a vacation home on a star after you buy it - yet!):

Present 8: Exercise Videos

I love Goodwill.  They have all kinds of crappy VHS community service tapes, clothes people died in, and crap that probably belonged to a colorblind mental patient.  I wouldn't buy any of this to give to someone though. And Goodwill is pretty much the only place left in the country that will still sell exercise tapes.

I can only think of one good reason to give someone an exercise tape: that person is fat and you want to make them cry.  No fitness nut is going to want an exercise tape; I'm sure they have many, and they spend all their free time at the gym anyway so the tapes wouldn't go to use.  No, you give an exercise tape to someone that needs to exercise - bad - before they form their own gravitational pull.  Even then, though, a better present to get someone in danger of imploding under their own weight is a personal trainer.  Maybe even some surgery. Spending $0.50 on a 15-year-old aerobics tape is not a good motivator to get someone to stop engulfing everything in sight.  It will only make them cry, and the only cure for tears is hot fudge and a small, tasty child.  And on that note, it would be a pretty good present to give an obese person if your idea of a good time is watching a 500 lb. beanbag devour a group of screaming toddlers.

Present 9: Label Maker

I can't imagine ever having a pressing need for labels on everything.  I admit I did have a mini label maker once, and it was fun making a label that said, "PENIS," or, "INSERT COCK HERE," and putting them on my friends' faces when they passed out, and for a while my old TV remote commanded everyone who picked it up to "SMOKE CRACK AND WORSHIP SATAN," but I've never really needed to label anything.  If I really wanted to know what was in a box, I can still write on it with a marker.  Or open it.  I've never been packing things into boxes and said, "Wait a minute!  How will I know what I have in this box when I unpack it in three days?  I know - I'll label it!  Now, how can I go about labeling something?  Egads!  I need a label maker!  I NEED A LABEL MAKER NOW!!!"

No.  A label maker is a shitty gift.  You thoughtless asshole.

Present 10: Black Velvet Paintings of Jesus, Possibly While Standing Next to Elvis

A lot of people out there have no taste.  It's why Walmart sells size 47 spandex pants.  It's why the guy that invented cargo van desert landscape airbrush paintings lives on a sugar plantation in Mexico on top of a gold mine and sleeps on a mattress made of naked hot chicks.  And it's also why there will always be artists that work exclusively in the medium of black velvet.  Because some stupid asshole will inevitably see it and say, "That is the coolest thing I've ever seen since that baby blue leisure suit I bought last week but not for irony's sake!  I'll give you $5,000 for it!  Looks like it's time to sell my double-wide and move back into my pickup!"  So tacky.

Two extremely common subjects for black velvet paintings are Elvis and Jesus, so why not combine the two? Because your face can't handle that much rad at one time, that's why - until now!  Finally, someone's black velvety dreams have come true, because I've found a lot of websites (including eBay) selling black velvet paintings of Jesus and Elvis standing next to each other in heaven, and even one featuring Black Velvet Jesus and Black Velvet Skinny Elvis playing cards.  The funny thing is that Elvis usually has the halo (see above).

The worst example of this I've found it at this site, obviously run by a madman.  For sale are insane paintings such as "Jesus and Elvis meet [Princess] Diana and Mother Theresa at the Gates of Heaven!," and "The Three Kings," the latter featuring skinny Elvis hanging out with Dale Earnhardt, sort of facing each other, with Jesus floating in the background, possibly trying to merge Elvis and Dale into some new kind of Super White Trash Monster.  First of all, people need to stop denying the existence of fat Elvis, especially since that's what he was when he DIED ON THE TOILET.  Second, fuck Dale Earnhardt.  How do people consider him an American hero? He drove a fucking car, big deal.  And if he was such a great driver, he wouldn't have fused himself with a wall during a race.  Fuck him, and fuck the people that look up to his corpse and his redneck son.

But anyway, the point is that if you know someone that would love a black velvet painting, especially of Jesus, there's a good chance that person lives under intersecting power lines and bathes in their own feces, so you should probably stay a good distance away from them.

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