One morning about two months ago, I followed my usual masochistic awakening ritual of watching Good Day Philadelphia, and I caught an actual news story. I know, it sounds great and all, but it wasn't a good news story. No. Apparently, an international treaty has been signed for all countries to get rid of their VX gas supply. Now, I thought VX gas was made up by Skinny Puppy and Jerry Bruckheimer when he made The Rock, but apparently VX is a real chemical weapon. You learn something new every day (yesterday I learned that poodles can't fly, and I only went through 42 poodles before reaching that conclusion). So, the "news" people are talking about how we have to get rid of all our VX. And what's the best way to get rid of the deadliest chemical created by man? That's right, dump it in the Delaware River. Seriously. Dupont and the army are dumping the nation's VX gas supply into the Delaware River (possibly the Delaware Bay, but who fucking cares). They had some army douche bag talking about how Dupont is "treating the chemical so that it's no harmful before we dump it in the Delaware River. Dupont is doing great work, and they will make everything fine." That wasn't the exact quote from the subnormal, but I was too busy staring at the graham cracker crumbs all over his uniform to memorize exactly what he was saying. The worst thing is that as subnormal as he is, the government and Dupont think that we're too stupid to tie our shoes. Because, you know, they're trying to make VX harmless. Yes, VX; the chemical that makes your spinal cord explode out of your body. I said earlier that I thought VX was a made up weapon ("VX" just sounds made up), and that's mostly because I unfortunately watched The Rock once. There's this one part in the movie when Ed Harris' mercenaries that can't act are storming some vault somewhere to steal the VX bubbles, and one pops with a dude still in there. They seal him in there (because army people are expendable; that's why they're mostly high school drop-outs and people from Kansas and Nebraska) so no one else dies, and they show this army guy writhing in pain on the floor. His spine is getting all contorted, then his face starts melting, his eyeballs explode, and his spine jumps out of his body. Oh, and all the while, he's screaming bloody hell so you know he's still alive during this and feeling it. I'm not saying that's what really happens when exposed to VX, but I don't know anybody who has been, so I can't say either way. I'll just assume that's what happens. Your face melts, eyeballs explode, and spine jumps out of your body. Good times.

Now, I'm by no means an activist. I pretty much hate all hippies, and while I'm against the armed forces in every way, I'm more against morons with nothing better to do than whine about shit they don't understand. But, I live ten minutes from the Delaware river. Even if they're dumping the VX in the Delaware bay, I still live fairly close to that, too. Granted, no one gives a fuck about Delaware, and Jersey's a landfill to begin with, but dammit, this affects me and 99% of the people I know and I'll be damned if I'm going to let my spine explode. There are a lot of people I'd like to see that happen to, but here's a short list of people I don't want killed because of VX gas leaking out of the river: me.

How are the scientists at Dupont treating this shit? How are they going to make VX not deadly? They're putting the deadliest man-made substance (you know, besides processed cheese) in the Delaware River and claim everything's going to be fine. Here's a good way to test how safe you think it is: rate the likelihood of you letting your kids (or someone else's kids) go swimming in something like that. Right. Now you should either have a pretty good understanding of the danger involved in this or be standing next to the abandoned bathing suits of once not-melted children. Yeah. Vx. In the river. By my house. Awesome. I'd move to the west coast to get as far away from this disaster-waiting-to-happen as possible, but if TV and crazy people have taught me anything, the west coast is going underwater soon anyway (probably due in no small part to some other random weapons buried down there).

Aside for just killing us in a horribly painful fashion, VX gas could also cause mutations.  These freaks will then integrate with our society in an attempt to breed with all of us norms.  And how is the best way to do this?  Karaoke nights in dive bars.  They will infiltrate the bars towards the end of the night when everyone inside is already wasted.  On karaoke nights, everyone will definitely be drunk because otherwise people would be smashing bottles and cutting off their ears with the glass shards to block out the tone-deaf squealing.  The tone-deafitude of karaoke "stars" will also help the mutants since they can't sing (or even speak really), but since the norms that whine into the microphones suck as well, no one will notice that the freaks are upon us.  As an attempt to warn the public, here is a categorization of all mutants invading our karaoke nights in an attempt to mate and produce half-breed abominations:

	The Hostage-Taker: This is a very clever VX-created mutant karaoke star.  Since the likelihood of finding a mate, even a belligerently drunken mate, is slim-to-none, this specimen will hold a smaller, more attractive (by comparison, anyway) woman hostage.  The Hostage-Taker will force the normal girl to sing along with her, usually a song about delicious fudge, in order to cleverly trick the audience into thinking it's just two friends who like terrible, terrible songs.  When a potential mate approaches the cute one, the Hostage-Taker makes her mutant-move and drugs the drunken male by secreting a gas from her anus which has chemical properties similar to Ecstasy, which causes the male to lose his judgment and take the mutant home where they will have dirty, humiliating intercourse.  After conception, the mutant devours the father of her half-breed.  However, if the hostage-taking fails and no mates approach the cute girl, the mutant will then devour her because she's tasty.
	The Siren: This mutant has a unique ability.  She soulfully and sweetly sings songs about food and mating and eating people, in between noisily scarfing down buffalo wings and bar nuts.  Her songs put the drunkards in the room under a diabolical spell.  They have no control of their actions, and usually will approach the Siren in pairs.  A bizarre side-effect of this spell is that it always draws two beer-goggle-afflicted men to her for some finger-cuffing action.  The Siren believes that this will double her chances of becoming pregnant, and may also potentially double the size of her litter.  Afterwards, both men are brought to the bottom of a river or bay, drowned, and then devoured by the Siren, who then reveals her true form (right):
	The Last Resort Mutant: This breed of VX gas mutant will only make an appearance about 10 minutes before closing time.  From her karaoke vantage point, she scours the room for drunken men desperate for some ass in order to fulfill her urge to breed.  Her preferred breeding locations are: a van in the bar parking lot, a really big car in the parking lot, the men's room, in the walk-in refrigerator, or anywhere someone might actually agree to sleep with her.  The Last Resort Mutant has no self esteem, and will even embarrass the shit out of her self in the off chance it'll result in pity-sex.
	The Psuedo-Lezbo Mutants: These VX gas mutants always search for mates in pairs.  They cleverly use a man's desire to fuck two women at the same time to lure men into their lair.  After singing John Mellencamp and Don Henly songs for 2 straight hours, they begin to work the drunken crowd, searching for a man drunk enough to fall for the "two chicks at one time" scenario.  If the potential mate is drunk enough, he won't realize that after sleeping with both of them, bragging about it would dishonor his entire family.  Then he will only be able to restore that honor by taking his own life with a sword.  However, in some cases, the Psuedo-Lezbo Mutants' cunt-toxin will envelop the man, snapping him out of his drunkenness.  He will then realize what he's doing, and his heart will immediately explode from shock.
	The Incognito Super-Mutant: This is a clever beast indeed.  Donning a golden frizz wig, this species of VX gas mutant will attempt to hide the fact that it is really a male.  While the other mutants' purpose is to mate and spread their half-species, this mutant just really, really loves dick.  He uses the blonde wig to trick drunken men to come back to his place.  He gives them a back rub, reveal that he's a man (and also the whole "I'm a VX mutant" thing), and then use his prey's inebriation to start up some really freaky gay sex.  The Incognito Mutant will tell his prey shit like "Gay sex is by definition better than straight sex" and "aren't you just a little curious?" until the gay bastard gives in. Some scientists believe that this breed of mutant leads the other races.  Since he does not wish to procreate, only fuck around.  He commands the other mutants to capture stupid drunken fucks and mate with them to lead the world into a new dawn of mutantness.

As you can plainly see, it is in your best interest to steer clear of karaoke nights and seedy dive bars filled with desperate women clad in Winnie the Pooh shirts that are six sizes too small and also clash with their crunchy, blonde frizz-hair.  When the VX is dumped into the Delaware River, we will be overrun with mutants and that could mean the end of our species.  Therefore, I suggest we launch all of the VX in the world into space.  That might sound kind of fucked up to some of the pussies out there, but I have a saying that I pretty much live my life by: "Let Jupiter Handle It."

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