Weights Down - Weekly Horoscopes

Aries This week, your housekeeper, Ingrid, will file a sexual harassment suit against you. It's sort of a misunderstanding, I know; when you were drunk one night you "accidentally" put your penis in her mouth while she was sleeping, thinking that she was really your mother-in-law (she has no teeth so I can see why you like getting head from her). Good job, chief. I could help you out with some free legal advice, but I hate people that hire housekeepers. You rich bastard.	Libra The reason why you never write new horoscopes is because it's a pain in the ass. People should stop bitching about it.
Taurus This will be a busy weekend for you. You'll get drunk off mai tai's, bay breezes, and other umbrella-related drinks until your brain flips on the auto-pilot switch and you black out. The next day you'll wake up with a drink umbrella in your ass and what you hope to god to be mayo all over your face.	Scorpio Sheila down the street has been calling you a whore behind your back again. For revenge, fuck her husband on her bed and film it. Send the tape to Sheila with a note that says "Who's the whore now, bitch?"
Gemini Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day: "If you ever go back in time, don't touch anything. Even the slightest change can alter the future in ways you can't even imagine." When you go back in time tomorrow, don't squish any bugs.	Sagittarius For only $9.95, you can have total inner peace. Send me a check.
Cancer Opportunity is knocking right now. You've always wanted to be the pope, and now's the time to strike your plan into action. First, get a stupid hat. Second, go to the Vatican, stand on the pope balcony, and start smiting people from above.	Capricorn Why are you an asshole? Because shut up, that's why.
Leo WHY MUST LIFE BE SO HARD?! WHY MUST YOU FAIL AT EVERY ATTEMPT AT MASONRY?!	Aquarius Your kids hate you. That shouldn't come to a surprise even to someone as naive as you. But I'm here to help. After you drop your kids off at soccer practice, go out and pick up the new Kidz Bop CD. They'll love top 40 pop songs as sung by babies, and it'll only cost you $25 (however, bargain shoppers everywhere will realize that you're paying about $25 too much, but fuck them). It'll be great because your kids will love it and the CD and it will help develop them into a carbon copy of every other piece of shit petty, trendy 16-year-old refusing to have an opinion for fear that any free thinking will alienate them from their superficial asshole friends. Then they'll go to college and major in something like Business Ethics (you know, something that isn't a total waste of time), put a few date-rape incidents behind them, and go out into the real world. Your son will be middle management at an accounting firm while your daughter might one day get married to a guy named Bill (once the captain of his high school's football team, now employee of the month at Starbuck's). Then she'll follow in your footsteps and decide to stay home with the kids, but instead of actually raising them, she'll just buy them lots of movies and Kidz Bop CD's to occupy their time while you go shopping and sip martinis all day letting them do whatever the fuck they want, turning them into assholes, and beginning the cycle of retardation anew. That's why you should buy your little bastards Kidz Bop CD's. It's a great way to raise your kids until one day when you find yourself on Maury Povich trying to find out why your kids are out of control. Idiots.
Virgo You will be sacrificed by an island tribe on your vacation next week in order to appease the angry volcano gods that threaten to destroy the tiny island.	Pisces The only music you ever listen to is classic rock. You know, stuff like Led Zepplin, Cream, The Who, Pink Floyd, Bob Dylan, Rolling Stones, etc, and you're only 19 years old, which is fine because that's pretty good music and all. However, after wondering why you only listen to classic rock and nothing more recent, I've come up with a theory about you. I can tell you've been pretty much a nerdy guy your whole life (and I don't mean in the good way). You know, not really any friends, you don't really ever go out anywhere, you've probably never even been on a date, let alone kissed a girl. You like Star Trek and writing code in Unix (because everything else is beneath you). So history has shown that whenever you meet new people, they'll typically mock you for how you are just because you're into different stuff. At least they did up until the end of high school. However, since you've been basically trained to think that, you're afraid to have your own opinions. This is especially true for your musical taste. Music is important to most people. Think about it: a group of friends will typically have the same general musical taste - not exactly the same, but you get what I'm saying. People that like a certain type of music tend to hang out with other people that like it too. You've realized this, and since you want to make friends since you don't really right now, you've decided to listen to the one type of music no one would ever chastise you for (well, no one over the age of 17): classic rock. Music is a matter of taste, but everyone at least kind of likes classic rock. It's a safe card and that makes you a pussy. Listen to classic rock or whatever, but don't limit yourself to music that stopped being made in 1981. That's just stupid and it will become obvious to anyone that doesn't have their head up their ass. Besides, nothing says individuality like playing the safe card, right? You're an idiot.