|
While at work, I
leave the search ticker from WebCrawler running on my desktop. Why,
you ask? Because people look for some of the dumbest things.
It's like they have no concept how a search engine works. You
can tell which searches are from forty-year-old computer illiterates
because their queries say things like "How do I find out how much it will
cost to fix my basement," like it's a magic fucking 8 ball or something.
Anyway, this page is dedicated to showing some of these. Actual
entries are on the left and in pink
(because they're all lame), my comments are on the right. |
| tuds | I think this guy meant to type "temporary underground defecation site" |
| Teenage Boys Speedo Gallery | sexy |
| last minute AND Christmas AND shopping | must...get...kid...special toy! Must... buy... child's... love! |
| how do i s | I don't know. Ask someone else. |
| vnu AND phillips AND hieperdepiep-ik-lees | He was almost making sense |
| homo | Fag |
| What is the best way to clean my ears? | With a flashlight and a Rototiller |
| Socratease | Retard. Why do you think Bill and Ted called him "So-crates?" I love that movie. "Dude, remember when you asked Missy to the prom? Well, now she's your Mom, dude!" "Shut up, Ted." |
| +crust as fuck | My mommy said I could be a crusty, so I'm looking up how to become a squatter, and how to refrain from taking a shower for months at a time on the internet. |
| What should I name my new baby | Herschel Winthrope Escobar, Esq. |
| How old is Barry Manilow? | Somebody wants to see if she has a chance. Or he. |
| paws | no comment |
| +zoo +cams | Is this for a bestiality site, or something? I don't know why I asked; we both know it is. |
| NUDE PICS OF MATT DAMEN | Oh, he's a sexy bitch. Even 8-year-olds think so. |
| what is "soft furniture" | I'm guessing the opposite of hard furniture |
| +bald +pubes | I bet this guy really wants to know "What does it mean when I'm 40 and I've always had bald pubes? Am I a freak? Also, why is me voice so sqeaky? |
| +cleaner +drogen +drugs | I hate those dirty drogen drugs. |
| lapidary muncie | ... |
| "wood specimens" | "I seek to unlock the mysteries of wood." |
| Who was the pontious pilot? | He's the guy that flys in the hearts of the children. |
| +chocolate +lab +puppies | Mmmm...tasty. I like the cosmetic chemical-filled eyeballs the best. |
| How do you say the sentence, "If you stick around long enough, you might learn something" in Itallian? | He wrote out that whole sentence and then spelled Italian wrong. Dumbass. |
| exobisonist | They study the outer appearance of bison |
| +abrinq | no comment |
| how many pounds are in one ton | "And the Mr. WebCrawler Answer Man says..." |
| holga 120s | the upgraded version of the Holga 119s |
| KissMeBlackMascara | HugMeRubyLipstick |
| where's wesley kraszewski's web site? | I don't know, but I do know that he administers it from his mom's basement. |
| How do I detect the browser version someone else is using? | Voodoo. |
| Where do I get wire for hanging a large picture | Uhh...probably a craft store. It's probably a lot quicker than eBay, anyway. |
| +fotographos | no comment |
| finger | "They're called fingers, but I never see them fing. Oh, there they go..." |
| kl | yeah, me too |
| what does regulate mean? | Ask Nate Dogg and Warren G. |
| +crack | This will return every site that mentions crack. I think this is a 14-year-old looking for a new way to rebel against his parents since dressing like a mime didn't get a reaction. |
| how can i tell if a guy likes me? | Fart in his face. If he's into it, not only does he like you, but he probably wants you to shit on his face. |
| Dry gas | I hate that Wet gas shit |
| XXXK GIRLS | Obviously typed by an eight-year-old. |
| motleyfool | Mr. T's favorite band. "I pity da foo dat don't like Motley Foo!" |
| +cul | Hi, yes, I need information on cul? Can you help me out? |
| fludd | It's probably a new psuedo-metal band. Spelling words wrong is hip! |
| +riko +digitaldruck | huh? |
| +nudisme | It's either a new naked religion, or a bad Nintendo translation. "Nude is me! A winner is also me!" |
| haftpflichtversicherung | I can't read too much German, but I'm pretty sure that's not a word. |
| what is a triple-double? | You obviously suck ass at basketball and are a retard. I hate basketball, but I still know what a triple-double is. |
| +hand | Probably typed by the "finger" guy. |
| How do you spell infuses | You just did. Tool. |
| 1881896094 | That's pretty close to my Social Security number. Weird. |
| christain music | Not only is it funny that this guy likes christian music, he can't even spell it. This adds to my theory that christians are stupid. Well, at least the re-re's that listen to christian rock. |
| thick hair | "NOT thin hair. I already have that." |
| where can i find information on wife swapping | I don't know, but it would be a bad idea to ask your wife. |
| "beef comodity" | You should actually invest in pork bellies (pork bellies rule). |
| group 4 | It's a good Massive Attack song, but this person probably was referring to some twelve-step program. Like people that have to group everything into fours. Or something. Whatever. |
| "the dix" | Uh...yeah. |
| lene +pic | huh? |
| Á¤»ç | This guy's funny. It's really cool to type out words using goofy characters. |
| "crack spunlocker" | Hey! I think this is that famous detective. Crack Spunlocker is my hero! |
| cryo | genic |
| all blacks | every one |
| cokaine ski resort | HA HA HA HA HA. Tard. |
| New Years Eve Plans | "Hi, I'm a loser. I wonder what WebCrawler is doing for New Year's? I need to buy some friends. And maybe one of these 'girls' that I've heard so much about to kiss." |
| when is the world going to end? | And the magic 8 ball says... |
| pipa | poopa |
| Where can I find stuff on Mr. T? | Everywhere. From the plains of the midwest to the hearts of children everywhere, Mr. T lives in all of us. |
| oldtractors | They have a better feel than these new-fangled tractors. |
| Robert MAckey rules | No he doesn't, you pud. How does his dick taste, pussy? |
| where is ahH pussy | Shouldn't your daddy have had this talk with you by now? "Now son, let me tell you about the first time I banged your mother and the broken condom that turned into your subnormal ass..." |
| used maxi pads | Ewww. That's fucking nasty. It's probably some feminist that needs supplies for a new pro-womyn painting or some shit. |
| what is the sore near my rectum | It's from Brutus shoving his enormous member up there every three hours. |
| sas shoes | Did somebody say...SASSY? |
| cervenka | yeah |
| +cartton +eroticos | Erotic cartoons are by far the most pathetic thing to get caught masturbating to. Well, except for maybe aerobics for senior citizens. |
| natural fat absorbing herbs | When all other weight loss methods fail, try the incredibly amazing Fat Absorbing Herbs! |
| COGNAC | MUST...DRINK...COGNAC...LIQUOR...GOOD |
| Shakespeare HAMLET insane | Only if you're too stupid to analyze it to see what's really going on in the play. |
| free local roaming | Boy, good cell phone plan. Local roaming, huh? |
| btree | Be the tree. |
| public AND flashing | Not private flashing. That's not nearly as funny. |
| www.sexhungryjoes.com | HA HA HA HA HA |
| +googie | I don't know about you, but I haven't seen any pages written in baby-talk, so this search might not work. Well, it'll probably turn up a few AOL profiles. |
| how do you spell extraordinaire | You just did. That's the second time some idiot asked how to spell a word, and then spelled it right. Spell-checker, idiot, not search engine. |
| Does Sean Frey have AOL | Well, he is a tool, so probably. |
| elf bowling | Ha ha. So much better than midget-tossing. |
| how tall is mary hart | 50 ft. She'll crush us all. |
| will i be a success | And once again, the magic 8 ball says..."My sources say NO." |
| "regrun" | Uh, yeah. Right. |
| "wifelovers" | I would expect something more like "wifehaters," but... |
| Where can I buy Kenny G's "faith" CD online | "...because I'm too embarrassed to actually go to a store and buy it, for fear that someone might see me, and I'm trying to limit the beatings I receive on a daily basis, not make them worse..." |
| 1001 theme | Maybe he means 2001 theme. Or 101 Dalmatians. |
| +himmler +pink +triangle | Unbeknownst to most W.W.II historians, Heinrich Himmler co-founded the first fascist homosexual club with Trotsky. That's where Naked Twister originated. |
| rules for the game of cluedo | I think that games a little too complicated for you. Try Chutes 'N Ladders. |
| what is the phone number for Mount Vernon | Call them and ask. |
| what is lumpia? | I have no idea. |
| +arctic +cat +electrical | What the fuck are you talking about? |
| how can I become rich? | Start a Sea Monkey farm |
| Where can I find the website for the Edge dance mix tape | Probably at the same one with Kidz Bop. Pansy. |
| "Josep Sancho" | Hey, he's my dad |
| hair | "I hate being bald." |
| +hijaak | Spelling, dude. Terrorists are retarded. |
| iwon | no, ulost |
| how many numbers are there on a roulette wheel | Maybe you shouldn't be playing roulette if you don't know how many numbers there are. Try Russian Roulette. |
| baby drops | Drops made of liquid babies. |
| Where can | I don't know |
| sanremograndhoteldesanglais | Does your spacebar work? |
| drugs | drugs? Try cyanide |
| +horsetown +western +wear | "YEEEEEEHAAAAAA! I'm a-gone getcha, varment! Then I reckon we'll all go to the gay bar!" |
| beeden | Robots say "beedy beedy beedy," not "beeden." Foolish bastard. |
| "presto parts" | The ingredients to make presto, the robo-magician. |
| Lace | sexy |
| what is a winter apple | summer apple's sister |
| How does a TV remot control work? | Invisible midgets see what button you push, run to the TV, and change the channel. |
| night sweating | So much worse than day sweating. I know from personal experience. No I don't. |
| "amy grant's pecans" | What ever happened to Amy Grant and her 'Baby, Baby' songs? Maybe "pecans" is a code word for "titties." |
| "1-800-WILL-PAY" | ALL WILL PAY. MUST PUNISH! |
| prednicare | what? |
| how do you build an engine | With a rock, a baseball bat, and a prayer. |
| What island is Maui on? | You fucking retard. |
| How do you finger paint? | Duh. Figure it out, dumbass. |
| "she's too old" | Yeah, 8 and under only. |
| christian screen savers | HA HA HA HA HA |
| which colleges offer missionary aviation? | Is that for spreading the word of god from a blimp? |
| Jo Guest | Jo Hardcore's twin brother |
| ngfa | He should have typed, "Nuclear Gas From Alabama." |
| "chocolate genius" | Rival of Vanilla Jackass. |
| Can you show me paintings of clowns and or henry monroe munroe? | What? Who the hell wants paintings of creepy-ass clowns? |
| why are we self-aware? | Okay, Plato. |
| not sweat so much | Not speak so good. |
| Can I get high by eating pot? | "Because I just ate, like, a Z a second ago on a dare." |
| +a +child +called +it | Why would you call your child It, and why would you search for It on the internet? |
| Sisqo - the thong song | This is one of the most embarrassing things to ever come from our country, and I'm including the entire Air Bud series. |
| Mail Ice Cream | I tried that once. It melted. |
| +e | This will return every web page with the letter 'e' in it. |
| artic cat | I think you mean 'arctic,' but what's an arctic cat? |
| +come +with +me | Sure, why not, seductress? |
| trouble shooting brakes | "I can't seem to shoot my brakes. Maybe it's the moonshine, but they keep dancin' an' spinnin' 'round." |
| 63866 | Yeah. |
| fighting females | I'd prefer fighting midgets. |
| where can I find Michael P. Iskra | In "Woody's" with Bruce, getting his groove on. |
| buy valium online NO prescription | Must...make...the...hurting...STOP! |
| spıce gırls | Idiot. |
| http://www.redneckporn.com/big/panties.html | HA HA HA HA HA! Fucking awesome. |
| +sisson | ? |
| "esso" | "kreeg" |
| washed jeans | I really hope this person's looking for acid wash jeans. That would fucking rule. |
| What can I do with a car that does not run? | I guess he already thought of "get rid of it," "sell it for scrap metal," and "eat it." |
| what should i write my research paper about? | Write it about how often people end sentences with prepositions. |
| history of flashlights | Because we all know how interesting they are. |
| om | Meditating? |
| gangs | "Mommy said if I brushed my teeth I could be a gang banger. Now I have to find out what a gang is, so I can bang it." |
| dat warehouse | Dat Warehouse be ova here, yo. Check dis shiznat out. |
| +mauboy | Is that anything like fishboy? |
| gun list | Psycho |
| +emails | I bet this will only turn up a few results (note: sarcasm) |
| double sided lapping | Sounds like fun... |
| hiitting the ball straight | Speelin the wordz write. |
| How long is a dogs tounge | Somebody's thinking about the old "put-peanut-butter-on-crotch-and-get-dog-to-lick-me" trick. That's a classic depraved person's masturbation technique. |
| deum | What? |
| sharp | Ouch. Pointy, too. |
| intasolve | No. |
| aging articles | Not the young ones. |
| +archigopher | The evil gopher overlord, bane of all vegetable gardens. |
| cirkumsizion | For thugs only. |
| clitoris | Somebody's daddy gave him the old birds and bees talk, but left some things ambiguous. My guess is that the dad doesn't even know where it is. |
| How old am I? | About -2. |
| What is Life? | A stupid board game and a cereal. |
| +start +site | +go +site +go |
| mark rich | Me poor. |
| TIME MACHINE | Must go back...in time....must stop...embarassing...situation...no...more...masturbating...in phone booths. |
| bakabung | Hey! Not in front of the computer... |
| GLOBAL AND WAR AND 2000 | Here's a guy that can't wait for the apocalypse. |
| www.uh-oh.com | Oopsies. |
| T ROWE PRICE | Yeah. |
| foodsaver | For the fat asses that eat too goddamned much. |
| vitiams | That must be why I feel sick...I'm not getting enough vitiams. |
| where can I find world +warII | Go back in time sixty years and go to pretty much anywhere else. Idiot. |
| mousemats | Are these things for the mice in your filthy apartment to sleep on? |
| ogri | Ogre's retarded cousin. |
| +triex | What? |
| muscle car desktop themes | I hate people that are so into cars that they hang car posters instead of hot girl posters. |
| +maersk | That my name. |
| VOXXXY | "Maybe if I hide 'XXX' in between random characters, my parents won't know I'm looking for porn." |
| where is Danny Bonaduce | Probably hanging out with A.C. Slater in the unemployment line. The Other Half sucked, assholes. |
| what is life? | Shit. Nothing but shit. |
| Krayzie | I'm so insane I spell crazy wierd. I'm so KEWL! |
| pro-spanking | I hate those anti-spanking fags...it's all about whacking some ass. |
| "papa's got a gun" | And he's loaded from drinking cheap bourbon. |
| how do i know who likes me | No one likes you, you ass. If anyone did, you wouldn't have to ask. |
| +but | I bet this only returned about 4,000,000 sites... |
| non-contageous diseases, cough genetically carries weight loss | And these things have what to do with each other? |
| how heavy is hdf hsygdf jygfuydgfu an elephant | About fjdsi fhisdhfadf hjifdsgha;sd 10 fnjsdhf tons. |
| enl | anal? |
| where can I find schedules for steriods | Monday: take pill. Tuesday: take pill. Wednesday: smack your bitch up. Thursday: buy acne cream. Friday: morn the death of your testicles. Saturday: trim backhair. Sunday: explode. |
| +wanker+song+.wav | I want to hear this song. |
| gou | goo goo ga ga? |
| chalk or cheese | Which will go better with goat meat? |
| fun | "What is this 'fun' you humans speak of. I am a robot, and 'fun' does not compute. Also, can you explain this 'love?' Error... Error... Error..." |
| Frindle | While I'm looking for Frindle |
| HOLY NATURE | Holy owl gravy, Batman! |
| plug OR inz | Fucking idiot. |
| +itsy +bitsy | teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini. |
| neurosumeatverkot | No. None for you. |
| "duct tape" | I was told to use "duct tape" to repair my colon. Does such a thing exist? |
| How can I find a German tosser | In a German gay bar. |
| +super11 | "I'm super mach 10. I have to find and kill super mach 11." |
| Who was Jose Marti | My dad. |
| "alp toilet" | Unique toilets that can only be found in the alps. |
| xeroderma pigmentosum | Sounds like an anime title. |
| Am i overweight? | Yeah. Fucking fat-ass. That's why you had to order that special typing wand since your fat fingers were mashing too many keys at once. |
| Why are there no cemeteries in San Diego? | Because everyone who lives in San Diego is immortal. |
| "freexxxpasswords" | Space bar? Anyone? Space bar? |
| +sattelite | What's more pathetic than the spelling is how successful this search is. |
| a Neurosurgen? | Yes. Yes I am. |
| peeinggirls | LOTS OF GOLDEN SHOWER PICS. |
| funny stuff | Ha ha. Funny. I'm a big fan of hilarity. |
| shotgun shoot like the chaingun | Psycho fucker. |
| KODY AND DO AND TFELEPONIAL AND GSM | Huh? |
| +mc +rp | Homo. |
| chipmunks singing | HA HA HA. Just put any record on the turntable at 75 rpm. |
| +virtual +duck +hunting +online | For the rednecks that can't seem to shoot a gun without blowing their toes off. |
| latest weaponery | This guy appears in the top ten people most likely to kill everyone. And he can't spell. Imagine that...Maybe he just wants to kill his high school bullies and that bitch who's washing her hair every time he calls. |
| Why is Nate a hormone? | Because he is going through special changes. If you're lucky, Billy, someday you'll find hair in funny places, too. |
| magnolia movie secrets | I hate it when people can't figure out a movie. |
| I'm Batman | No you aren't, fucker. I am. I'm the Tick, too. SPOOOOON. |
| Where can I find information on having a baby | Didn't your parents explain the whole "birds and bees" things to you? The stork brings the baby, duh. |
| where is the biggest bathroom? | Step one is to find the fattest ass, not type goofy queries into a search engine. |
| "punk guitar archive" | I can sum up how to play any punk song right now: first, make sure your guitar is hideously out of tune. Then, play bar chords as fast as you can. It doesn't matter if your bar chords suck, as long as you sing about anarchy and being a drunk punk. |
| maxican flag | I think it looks something like this:
|
| nakid gannies | Fucking freak. |
| gadzooks | Wowzers. |
| what is rimming | Ask your mom. Also ask her for a demonstration. |
| where can i learn about french kissing | Go to France. |
| gskldf | hfjsdh |
| pon-shps | "I gots ta sell mah bitch's ring fo crack rox." |
| Where can I hear N'SYNC's new song? | Go underwater about five feet. Then just stay there and wait for the song to start. If you take a deep breath, it'll start playing sooner. |
| +crack +fruity +loops +serial | Crack is good food. It is also for fruity serial killers. |
| leagle age a teenager can move out | If you can't spell "legal," then not yet. |
| +looking +back | "Looking back on it all, I really wish I hadn't eaten that cockroach." |
| "change your name" | What's wrong with "Perriworth?" |
| miniwax | To get rid of mini-people's leg hair. |
| Kani | Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb. |
| tuffnells | YEAH! Ruff n' tuff! NELLS! |
| HARDCOREJUNKY | I'm a softcore junky. Fuck that hardcore shit. |
| +"place to be" | My ass. |
| I AM LOOKING FOR PHONE NUMBERS FOR POST OFFICES | Why? Did you find your wife in bed with the mailman, milkman, and golden retriever again? |
| How can I beat a polygraph | Put it in a headlock, then call it your bitch. |
| info on groundhogs day and what happens when he sees his shadow | If he sees his shadow, he goes into a berserker rage, killing all spectators with radioactive feces. |
| How to schedule a meeting | Uhhh...tell people about it? |
| do u have any student accomodation is bradford | Yes is no accomodation for bradford puppy. You are student of dog. HA HA HA. |
| body/piercing/clit | Ooch. |
| tatoo | De plane? |
| How to buy a star | Be the star, then purchase it. |
| +their +kung +foo +good | You spelling bad. |
| +pole +barns +plans +kits | What the fuck? Amish 101, what? |
| where can i dragons | I don't know about you, but I like to dragons at the dragon fire cave of death. |
| +cuba +lonely +planet | Aw...poor Castro. No one likes him anymore. |
| stop smoking | No. I love crack too much to give it up. |
| women's crushing feet | OH GOD! THE GIANT WOMEN! THEIR FEET WILL CRUSH US ALL!!!! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!! |
| are there any units of time other than seconds | Yeah, uh, days, hours, minutes, centimeters... |
| +getright +crack | Get crack right. |
| +whipping +scenes | Kinky. |
| Mike & Me Sweaters | You people are sooooo gay. |
| powerfarm | Owned by a super hero. |
| MY 2½ YEAR OLD NIECE (OHIO RESIDENT) IS TERMINALLY ILL, LEGALLY MAY HER PARENTS REFUSE LIFE SUPPORT FOR HER? CAN THEY JUST HAVE COMFORT MEASURES? THERE IS NO CURE. SHE HAS META CHROMATIC LEUISODYSTROPHY. | That's a shame about your niece, but webcrawler doesn't know. You probably crashed their server with that long-ass query, idiot. Ask a fucking doctor. Or if you're a Christian Scientist, do nothing. You fucking ass-monkey. |
| "dun bradstreet" | Fag. |
| +pussyboard | That must be one of those masturbation tools for men, like a mangina. |
| it | that |
| earn beenz | R they majik beenz? |
| christian+electronic cards | Yeah, dude. |
Well, since the search ticker thingy is gone, and I haven't noticed any others like it around, I guess that'll be it for this page as far as new content goes. Deal with it. |
