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Necrophilia among ducks ruffles research feathers
I swear I didn't make that headline
up. A link to
this story was passed to me today by my friend, and I thought it was
kind of fucked up, so I'd like to talk about it. Everyone pull your
chairs in a circle and let's discuss this homosexual necrophiliac duck's
antics. As usual, the original article will be on the left, and my
comments will be on the right. And let me start off by saying that
this is, of course, a British news story. Those limey wankers.
Also, whenever you see a word from the original story spelled blatantly
wrong, it's because the British approach to grammar is fucked.
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The strange case
of the homosexual necrophiliac duck pushed out the boundaries of
knowledge in a rather improbable way when it was recorded by Dutch
researcher Kees Moeliker. |
I
couldn't have said that any better myself. How exactly does a
duck decide that it wants to fuck a dead duck? How is a duck
even gay? Why is "Kees Moeliker" such a funny fucking name?
Every time I read it I start chuckling. That's right; I said
"chuckle." |
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It may have
ruffled a few feathers, but it earned him the coveted Ig Nobel prize
for biology awarded for improbable research, and next week he will
be recounting his findings to UK audiences on the Ig Nobel tour. |
Okay, this had better be the last duck/bird pun in the fucking
story. Seriously. It's not fucking funny, it's stupid.
That must be the famous British wit, like fast-motion film and fat
men in women's clothing. And since when are cavemen getting
Nobel prizes named after them? If Ig can get one, I want a
Nobel prize named after me. "And the Greg Breen Nobel Prize
for Most Awkward Yet Kick-Ass Moment goes to..." |
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Ducks behave
pretty badly, it seems. It is not so much that up to one in 10 of
mallard couples are homosexual - no one would raise an eyebrow in
the liberal Netherlands - but they regularly indulge in "attempted
rape flights" when they pursue other ducks with a view to forcible
mating. "Rape is a normal reproductive strategy in mallards,"
explains Mr Moeliker. |
Man, ducks are fucking dickheads. One in ten mallard couples
are homosexual? Isn't a mallard a male duck (and I'm pretty
sure I'm talking out my ass)? I think that would make all
mallard couples homosexual. Ass. I can see how animals
will rape other animals for reproduction, sure. And if it's
something like a platypus raping an emu, I say that's fucking
awesome because their offspring would be some sort of super animal -
a pussymu. But how is one guy duck raping another guy duck a
"normal reproductive strategy?" That's what I call instinct.
Stupid gay ducks. |
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As he recounts
in his seminal paper, The first case of homosexual necrophilia in
the mallard anas platyrhynchos, he was in his office in the
Natuurmuseum Rotterdam, when he was alerted by a bang to the fact a
bird had crashed into the glass facade of the building. "I went
downstairs immediately to see if the window was damaged, and saw a
drake mallard (anas platyrhynchos) lying motionless on its belly in
the sand, two metres outside the facade. The unfortunate duck
apparently had hit the building in full flight at a height of about
three metres from the ground. Next to the obviously dead duck,
another male mallard (in full adult plumage without any visible
traces of moult) was present. He forcibly picked into the back, the
base of the bill and mostly into the back of the head of the dead
mallard for about two minutes, then mounted the corpse and started
to copulate, with great force, almost continuously picking the side
of the head. |
Dude keeps spelling "anus" wrong, but whatever. Why do birds
fly into windows? That's just fucking stupid. You never
see raccoons or some shit running head-first into patio doors or
anything. The bird was
lying in the sand. The museum must be at the beach. When
you're at the beach, do you feel like going to a museum? If
you answered "yes," then enjoy your celibate lifestyle, pussy.
I don't think I have to point
out the supreme superiority of the English system over the metric
system, either. The metric system is for fags.
Then comes the fucked up
part: another duck comes along, sees his dead buddy, and thinks to
himself, "Man, I'm hungry. Hey, I bet Fred's brain tastes
really fucking good. I'm breaking me off some of that shit!"
Later he said, "Man, that's some good Fred, but my duck dick is
begging for some gay sex. Hm, what should I do? Fuck it,
I'll just fuck Fred's dead ass. It's not like he'll care at
this point, and I just can't stop eating his delicious brain!
Let the jack-hammering and eat attack commence! RIOT-PUMP!
RIOT-PUMP! RIOT-PUMP!" Man, ducks are pretty hardcore. |
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"Rather
startled, I watched this scene from close quarters behind the window
until 19.10 hours during which time (75 minutes) I made some
photographs and the mallard almost continuously copulated his dead
congener. He dismounted only twice, stayed near the dead duck and
picked the neck and the side of the head before mounting again. The
first break (at 18.29 hours) lasted three minutes and the second
break (at 18.45 hours) lasted less than a minute. At 19.12 hours, I
disturbed this cruel scene. The necrophilic mallard only reluctantly
left his 'mate': when I had approached him to about five metres, he
did not fly away but simply walked off a few metres, weakly uttering
a series of two-note 'raeb-raeb' calls (the 'conversation-call' of
Lorentz 1953). I secured the dead duck and left the museum at 19.25
hours. The mallard was still present at the site, calling 'raeb-raeb'
and apparently looking for his victim (who, by then, was in the
freezer)." |
Alright, this dude is a fucking pervert. "Research," my ass.
Kees was furiously masturbating the entire time. You know he
was. He was watching for 75 fucking minutes, taking pictures
and jerking off. And 75 minutes? Way to go duck, that's
some stamina. Kees took
detailed notes, too. What a pud. "Man, this duck's going
to town. I can't believe he's lasted this lo-HOLY SHIT! Look at that move! Gawd DAMN!!! I'll have to try that on
Mrs. Moeliker. And by "Mrs. Moeliker," I mean my hollowed-out
stuffed animal collection!"
Kees said he "disturbed this
cruel scene." Yeah, he wanted to join in, the sick fuck.
And after 75 minutes of corpse-fucking/eating, anything I try to say
comes out as "raeb-raeb" too. What the fuck does "secured the
dead duck" mean? Did he put it in solitary confinement, like a
shoe box or his thermos? No, he put it in the freezer.
It's a good idea, because you don't want to eat or fuck a duck
that's decomposed too much. Sick bastard. |
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Mr Moeliker
suggests the pair were engaged in a rape flight attempt. "When one
died the other one just went for it and didn't get any negative
feedback - well, didn't get any feedback," he said. |
Shit, I'd be flying away fast as hell too if some dude was trying to
rape me. |
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His findings
have provoked a lot of interest - especially in Britain for some
reason - but no other recorded cases of duck necrophilia. However,
Mr Moeliker was informed of an American case involving a squirrel
and a dead partner, although in this case it is not known whether
the necrophilia observed was homosexual or not as the victim had
been run over by a truck shortly before the incident. |
"His findings have provoked a lot of interest - especially in
Britain for some reason..." Damned Brits. Why are
the British so interested in gay duck necrophilia? Why would
anyone be? That's just fucked up right there.
And then there was a squirrel
necrophiliac in this country. Then he got run over right away.
While he was fucking the dead squirrel, he probably said some shit
like, "Man, I could die right now and die a happy squirrel!"
Five seconds later - splat. |
I'll never look at a duck fucking
and eating a dead duck the same again. Shit. |
