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St. James and
LaDonna Davis were at the Animal Haven Ranch in Caliente to
celebrate the birthday of Moe, a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was
taken from their suburban Los Angeles home in 1999 after biting off
part of a woman's finger. |
Who the fuck names their kid
"Saint James?" No wonder he's throwing a birthday party for a
monkey; his parents destined him for a lifetime of douche-baggery by
naming him Saint James. Dude probably loves his name though.
"Hi, I'm St. James Davis, this is my son The Pope Davis, and my
daughter Mary Mother of God Davis."
Also, they had to turn their
chimp over to a shelter because it ate some lady's finger. If
it was my monkey biting fingers off, you'd better believe I trained
him to do that. Plus, so what if the monkey ate some bitch's
finger? She probably deserved it. I'd be proud of my
little chimp assassin. |
|
Moe was not
involved in Thursday's attack, said Steve Martarano, a spokesman for
the California Department of Fish and Game. |
"Moe was not involved in the
monkey attack. He was with his brothers Larry and Curly, and
they were busy trying to save an orphanage by hitting each other
with pies and mallets. Also, Moe is flinging his feces.
Look at him." |
|
The couple had
brought Moe a cake and were standing outside his cage when Buddy and
Ollie, two of four chimpanzees in the adjoining cage, attacked St.
James Davis, Martarano said. Officials have not determined how the
chimps got out of their enclosure, he said. |
They brought a birthday cake for
a fucking monkey. Why? Unless it's made of poop or human
fingers, I don't think he's going to want to eat it.
When Buddy and Ollie (terrible
monkey names, by the way) were starting their kill-frenzy, what were
the other two chimps doing? My guess is masturbating because
they weren't infected with rage and all monkeys do is masturbate.
I wish I was a monkey. Every time I masturbate everyone on the
train gives me a dirty look. |
|
LaDonna Davis,
64, suffered a bite wound to the hand while trying to help her
62-year-old husband, Martarano said. |
The chimps must've been jealous.
Where was their birthday cake, LaDonna? I'm willing to bet
that the monkeys only bit the parts of the people that were covered
in delicious frosting. |
|
The son-in-law
of the sanctuary's owner killed the attacking animals, Martarano
said. |
I can see the headlines for
tomorrow already: "PETA, an organization of gastronomical cowards
with nothing better to do, filed a complaint with the son-in-law of
the sanctuary's owner, claiming that monkeys are allowed to eat any
people they want and it is unlawful to kill them for doing so as
according to the fifth amendment of the imaginary Animal
Constitution." The Animal Rights Constitution and Monkey Bill
of Rights were written by some hippy asshole at a Phish concert
while he was coming down off heroin. "Animals are people too,
man. There are bugs crawling under my skin, but that's cool
because insects are from the Earth." |
|
"He saw what was
happening and had one kind of weapon with him and then got another
he felt would be more substantial and shot them," Martarano said.
"He pretty much saved a life." |
That's funny. After the
incident, the chimp assassin said "Well, I had my 12-gauge and was
ready to fire, but then I thought to myself, 'Yo, wouldn't it be
fucking awesome if I chopped their monkey heads off with a laser?'
And I was right! Their heads fuckin' exploded and shit!
Man, it kicked ass!" |
|
St. James Davis
had severe facial injuries and would require extensive surgery in an
attempt to reattach his nose, Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical
Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield. His testicles and a foot also
were severed, Kern County Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The
Bakersfield Californian. |
Okay. I can see teeth
marks. I can see how a monkey can bite off a guy's nose.
Okay. But how does a chimp sever someone's foot? Even if
he wasn't wearing shoes, it still wouldn't be that easy. They
must've been ninja monkeys with katanas. They pulled some
ancient Japanese foot-slicing move on the guy. Oh, and the
only way a monkey's going to be able to tear off your balls is if
you're not wearing any pants. So either St. James was naked
from the waste down (because he wanted to give Moe a really
happy birthday if you catch my drift) or he was wearing a dress.
And, honestly, I could see either being true just because his name
is St. James Davis. |
|
Davis was
transported to Loma Linda University Medical Center, where he was
undergoing surgery late Thursday, Martarano said. |
How do you explain that a monkey
bit off your balls to a doctor? "Million-to-one shot, doc!
Million-to-one!" |
|
Buddy, a
16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot,
Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and
dragged him down the road, authorities said. |
Look at this guy's picture:
He look's pretty fat.
The monkey was definitely infected with Rage. How else could a
chimpanzee drag an old fat guy down the road? And how did they
suddenly get on the street? Was it a road-side monkey-cage?
If so, then that's probably how the monkeys got out to feed their
bloodlust. |
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"Everybody was
trying to get the chimp off," Chealander said. |
"There was even a film crew from
'Chimps Gone Wild' on scene to witness the drunken chimp's sexual
misadventures." Seriously, dude could've phrased it better
than "get the chimp off." Unless that's how they were trying
to destract it. "Here monkey monkey monkey! I'll suck yo'
dick if you let go of my husband's balls!" |
|
Two other
chimps, females named Susie and Bones, also escaped from the cage
they shared with Ollie and Buddy, prompting sheriff's deputies,
animal control workers, and Fish and Game officials to launch a
search. |
The female chimp was named
"Bones." HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! They're launching
a search for a monkey named Bones. How does a monkey get a
bad-ass enough reputation to warrant being named Bones? Bones
must've been a monkey-knife-fight champion or something. I'd
be terrified if I were those rangers. Bones can fuck shit up. |
|
The wayward pair
were recovered by Animal Haven owner Virginia Brauer after five
hours. Martarano said one chimp was two miles from the sanctuary,
located 25 miles southeast of Bakersfield. |
The monkey made it 25 miles
because it was riding a dirt bike. While listening to Gwar. |
|
The Davises had
waged an unsuccessful legal fight to bring Moe back to their West
Covina home and visited him regularly at the sanctuary where he had
been living since October. They brought the chimp from Africa
decades ago after a poacher killed his mother. |
Who wouldn't want to have a
monkey that eats fingers?
And they just brought a chimp
home with them? From Africa? How is that even possible?
Some people bring home T-Shirts. Others bring a nasty case of
malaria. These people bring home a carnivorous monkey. |
|
Animal Haven
Ranch has held state permits to shelter animals since 1985 and
serves as a sanctuary for animals that have been confiscated or
discovered lost, Martarano said. |
No one cares. Seriously,
if we wanted a history lesson, we'd watch The Golden Girls. |
|
It is allowed to
house up to nine primates at one time and is home to one spider
monkey and six chimpanzees, he said. The permits are held by
Virginia and Ralph Brauer, whom neighbors described as responsible
animal lovers. |
"Responsible animal lovers?"
What does that even mean? That they feed animals? That
they don't beat the animals with poultry? I guess no one
considers "training monkeys to feast on human flesh" against
labeling someone a responsible animal lover. And how come we
haven't heard more about this spider monkey? He must be the
monkey mastermind. |
|
"She's devoted
her whole life to taking care of these chimpanzees," said Jeanne
Miller, a family friend. |
Later, Jeanne added, "Yeah, she
has totally wasted her whole fucking life. And since when am I
a 'family friend?' I always tell my kids to throw pointy
things at her whenever she comes outside. Fucking stupid
bitch." |
