Everyone needs to find their special someone, so I've started a personal ad service on this website.  My personals are guaranteed to be 115% effective for everyone.  The goal is to list the most accurate information about each person as possible.  Who knows?  Maybe you'll finally find someone that enjoys rubbing feces all over themselves as much as you do, you sick fuck.

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Name: Hank
Nickname: Stash
Gender: Male
Age: 43
Occupation: Guidance Counselor
Hobbies: Taking advantage of young boys, mustache grooming
Turn Ons: Overgrown pubic hair, teenage boys, guidance, ugly ties, those strings that hold your glasses around your neck
Turn Offs: Afros, carrying on with reckless abandon, style
Favorite Band: Michael Bolton
About: Hank has been a guidance counselor at Shady Grove High School for 18 years.  He went to school at Pennco Tech, but after driving big rigs for four years, he realized that since the other truckers hated him and called him "ass-pirate" over the CB, he should look into a new career.  He then realized that his mission in life was to steer young people away from careers they are obviously not suited for.  Plus, being close to young boys is something Hank has always enjoyed.
Looking for: Hank is looking for a woman who will accept him for who he is.  Also, he is trying to end the rumors around town that he likes to fuck young boys, and meeting a woman will help that.  Looks are not important.  Women with teenage boys preferred.
Hank says: "Are we done yet?  The young men's swim meet is about to start!"

Name: Heidi
Nickname: "What the fuck is that?!"
Gender: Female
Age: 31
Occupation: Heidi says "I'm anything you want me to be!"
Hobbies: Striving to be a model, striking sassy poses, wearing black
Turn Ons: Modeling agents, black clothing, goofy sunglasses, ambiguity
Turn Offs: People that laugh at her, people that realize she's full of shit
Favorite Band: Right Said Fred
About: Heidi has been striving for a modeling career her entire life.  Unfortunately, she hasn't made much progress, as she isn't very attractive.  She loves to wear black because... we can't think of a reason.  She fucking loves it though.  Also, she likes to make herself more sexy by telling people she's from "where ever you want me to be."  Sure that sounds kind of sexy until you actually think about it.  None of us here at the Personals Office can honestly say that we really care where anyone's from since it doesn't add to the sexiness.  "Wait!  Can I pretend you're from... NEW BRUNSWICK?!?!  Oooh baby!  Oh, you slut!  Yeah, just like that!"
Looking for: A man that won't hold back her aspiring modeling career.  Also, she wants someone who will pretend she's from sexy land, and works as a sexy model superstar in sexy land.  You must be patient.  Although Heidi didn't mention this, we feel that being retarded will help you win her heart.
Heidi says: "My name is Heidi, but it can be whatever you want!  I will be a sexy model one day..."

Names: Melvin and Lu-Ellen
Nicknames: Ugly Swingers, Eww
Gender: Both
Ages: 24 and 32
Occupation: Dungeon Master and Seaworld Attraction
Hobbies: Dungeons and Dragons/Watersports
Turn Ons: Wizards immune to flaming thunder attacks, gravy, 20-sided dice, swingers, Lion King
Turn Offs: Goblins, demons, exercise, vegetables, bras
Favorite Bands: Manowar and Wesley Willis
About: Melvin and Lu-Ellen met on the internet.  At first, Lu-Ellen was luring foolish nerds to her with promises of role playing and Magic: The Gathering tournaments in order to fix herself a young snack.  That is why they are 8 years apart in age.  However, once Melvin showed up to her doorstep in his cardboard armor, they realized that it was a match made in Old Country Buffet.  After their relationship became stale three days later, they decided to take up swinging and partner-swapping.
Looking for: Other swingers, preferring a woman that loves Dungeons and Dragons and a man that would make a tasty snack.  For fun only, not for serious relationships.  Unless of course the man seriously wants to be eaten by an Orca-fat woman with tits the size of midgets in pumpkin costumes.
Franz says: "My sword has +2 attack and the status of... love."
Lu-Ellen says: "Mmm...  tasty human flesh.  Must... feeeeeeed..."

Name: Gorza the Destroyer
Nickname: The Beast, Galactus
Gender: Female
Age: 492
Occupation: Devourer of Cities
Hobbies: Bringing civilization to its knees, devouring stuff
Turn Ons: Devouring buildings and people, buoyancy, the screams of children as she eats them
Turn Offs: Asbestos, the sun, tourists with cameras, Silver Surfer
Favorite Band: Fat Boys
About: Gorza travels across the globe, devouring anything in her path.  Due to her size, she can float effortlessly across the oceans, allowing her to spread her destruction in other continents.  She frequently battles various armies and occasionally, Silver Surfer will mistake her for Galactus.  After their last fight, Gorza was severely wounded.  She ate the entire continent of Australia before she gained enough strength to continue onward.
Looking for: Gorza is looking for several men to impregnate her.  After the last battle with Silver Surfer, she realized that she must have a litter.  Then she will be unstoppable.  She says that any man will do as long as they aren't from Taiwan.
Gorza says: "RARR SMASH!!!!"

Name: Alex
Nickname: Pat
Gender: ?
Age: Who cares?
Occupation: Fry Cook
Hobbies: Needlepoint, kickboxing, dancing, hunting
Turn Ons: Cats, musicals, fishing shows, carnage, french fries
Turn Offs: Public restrooms, gyms, anywhere else men and women have separate rooms
Favorite Bands: Boy George, Prince, RuPaul
About: Alex is a... person that likes feminine and masculine activities.  Uh... also, "it" likes to work as a fry cook.  Um... Also wears black leotards a lot for some reason, but wears pants too so you can't tell if... "it" has a package or not.
Looking for: Alex is looking for, it its own words, "Someone who makes me feel special and gives me exactly what I need in the bedroom."  Your guess is as good as ours.
Alex says: "After the ballet, we can kickbox.  I like cats and blood.  Are you who I'm looking for?"

Name: Percival
Nickname: Azyrmothe
Gender: Male
Age: 22
Occupation: Tormentor of Souls, groupie for Cradle of Filth, pretends to work at Hot Topic
Hobbies: Being evil, scaring Christians, eating babies
Turn Ons: Satan, drinking blood, gothic poetry, face painting
Turn Offs: Anything wholesome or good, Christianity, bathing
Favorite Bands: Cradle of Filth, Sisters of Mercy
About: Percival hates his name, which is why he demands everyone to call him "Azyrmoth.e"  While some may argue that Azyrmothe is a much worse choice, everyone can agree that it "kind of sounds evil if you're retarded."  His parents are both devout Christians, and he feels that they are oppressing his dark nature and forcing their values on him.  They're values are: "You're not evil, so stop telling people you are," "Get a job," "Stop painting your face because you look gay," "Go to church," and "When are you moving out?"  He expresses his hatred for his parents on his goth poetry website.  Here's a sample of his work (in pink because he's lame):

Mother, you torment me
Father, I hate you
Why can't I live my own life?
I am the son washed up on plutonian shores
I feel darkness in the pit of my soul
Oh, how I suffer so...

Looking for: Azyrmothe wants to meet a goth girl that loves black metal and Sisters of Mercy.  She must also hate her parents and not mind that he lives in his parents' garage.  Vampire wannabies encouraged.
Percival says: "As the blood drips from my wrists, the demon commands me to offer it in sacrifice."

Name: Bubba
Nickname: Tidal Wave
Gender: Male
Age: 45
Occupation: Human Cannonball at the circus, bouncer at the local saloon
Hobbies: Splashing, bouncing, growing a long beard
Turn Ons: Watersports, ham, tight shirts
Turn Offs: Too much chlorine, circus midgets
Favorite Band: Anything polka
About: Bubba has been with the circus for 30 years.  He signed up after realizing the only talents he had were being fat and falling, so his Human Cannonball gig is perfect.  He was once married to the Bearded Lady, but he divorced her after years of her beard putting his to shame.  Now that he's single again, he spends most of his time growing out his beard to show her up.  In addition to still being really fat and constantly falling down for fun and profit.
Looking for: Bubba is looking a woman that likes big fat circus performers with no talent.  Also, she must NOT have a beard.
Bubba says: "Hey!  Check out this can-opener!  WOO-HOO!!! *SPLASH*" - note: He made us put the word "splash" in his quote, because, as he says, "It lets the ladies know I just jumped into a pool."

Name: Consuela
Nickname: The Help
Gender: Female
Age: 33
Occupation: Maid.  Duh.
Hobbies: Dusting, mopping, eating
Turn Ons: Clean homes, cheesecake, toilet water
Turn Offs: Dirt and grime, feces
Favorite Band: Cannibal Corpse (we can't figure that one out either)
About: Consuela is from a small island off the coast of Argentina.  She came to the United States in order to follow up her dreams of owning a pretzel factory.  However, what she didn't realize was that you can't just own a pretzel company.  You first have to climb the ladder and kill the CEOs of Herr's, Snyder's, Utz, etc.  Realizing she wasted her life on striving to own a pretzel company rather than getting an education or going to the gym, she became a maid in Malibu for some washed-up actor.  I'm pretty sure that washed-up actor is Dolph Lundgren, but I'm not 100% positive.
Looking for: Consuela is looking for a butler to grow old with.  Said butler's name must be either "Jeeves" or "Higgins."
Consuela says: "Me clean house now, then eat lard.  Please date me, for I am running out of frozen hot dogs and lube, and I am only paid in bullets so I can't afford more frozen hot dogs and K-Y."

Name: Harry
Nicknames: Sesquatch, Squatch.
Gender: Male
Age: 45
Occupation: Sequatchie
Hobbies: Scaring campers, combing his body
Turn Ons: Pantene Pro V, mousse
Turn Offs: Band-aids, velcro, static shocks
Favorite Band: Pedro the Lion
About: Harry is one hairy motherfucker.  He is usually naked, because he think his body hair is enough like a sweater jumpsuit that he can get away with it.  Children cry when he walks down the street.  He divorced his wife after she tried to shave him in his sleep.
Looking for: Anyone, so long as they like hairy abominations.
Harry Says: "Dammit, I broke another fucking comb.  Shit."

Name: Fred
Nickname: Chompers
Gender: Male
Age: 14
Occupation: High school student, nerd
Hobbies: Playing Everquest non-fucking-stop
Turn Ons: Gaining levels, drinking potions, hitting on female elves that are probably 35-year-old men in real life
Turn Offs: Waking up only to realize that some bastard trashed his fort or castle or whatever overnight
Favorite Band: Elf Power
About: There's not much to say about Fred, being that he's only 14 and does nothing but play Everquest.  Rumor has it, that his mom once tried to take the computer away from him, and Fred killed her with a magic potion he made from stuff he found underneath the kitchen sink.  Fred's dad has been missing for two years.
Looking for: A sexy female elf that will guard his fort and the key to... his heart.  She must also be willing to get cyber-married in the Everquest universe (which means absolutely nothing to everyone else).
Fred says: "I've reached level 33!  Huzzah!  Eat that, mom!  You bitch!  Spending too much time on the computer, my ass!  All my time has paid off!"

On to Part 2: The Most Desirable Men and Women Alive!