Say hello to George Mallet.  You might think that's a rockin' last name, being a giant hammer that pounds cartoon characters and the spies from Spy Vs. Spy and all, but no.  He pronounces it "mallAY."  As in "ballet" or "buffet."  I hate when people try to make their names sound French.  If you don't have a snooty accent, say your name the way it reads.  Don't try to be fancy.  Look at Jimmy Buffet.  He sucks ass, but he at least knew enough to make sure that no one could confuse his name with a $12 fatass feeding frenzy.

Like Jennaphr Frederick (another pitiful attempt at having an original name, but I'll get to her later) and Janet Zappala, he joins in the constant berating and harassment of helicopter traffic guy and future serial killer Steve Keeley.  When this guy's fingers, toes, and probably genitals are lopped off and fed to rats, don't feel bad for him.  He has it coming.  Trust me.  The worst part is that he seems to do or say whatever the two women say and do about anything.  They harass Keeley, he harasses Keeley. They're on the rag, he's got the tampon supply under control (they're in his purse; SHH!!)  They harass Mallet himself, and he takes it with a dopey smile and retarded comment.  Forget what I said about Keeley chopping off his balls.  This guy's been castrated years ago.

This is Jennaphr Frederick, and you don't have to be a sociologist to know that her parents think they're clever and want everyone else to think that, too.  "Jennaphr," get the fuck out of here.  You might as well have named her "clever spelling of a normal name," or "my parents are fucking jackasses."  When I meet someone that spells their name in an ass-backwards goofy way, I think one thing and one thing only: I hate your parents, they shouldn't have been allowed to spread their tainted genes, and I'm sorry that they fed you paint chips when you were a child (because they're obviously too stupid to know the difference between food and non-food).

Anyway, she's like an anchor now or something even though the website calls her a "co-host."  A co-host.  On a "news" show.  Maybe I'll just start calling her Andy Richter.  Hey, and maybe she'll come out with a sitcom about quintuplets.  Oh, wait...  Back to my point, she is the #2 shit-talker on Steve Keeley.  Therefore, she is the second person he will kill in his rampage.  Here's a hint, retard: don't fuck with someone that can AND WILL crash a helicopter on your face.

Say "hi" to Kerri Lee Halkett!  She's the somewhat hot one on the show.  Actually, I think she quit this garbage for another news show, but whatever.  She is (was?) one of the anchors.  I never see her on here anymore.  My theory is that Steve Keeley (psychotic guy in the helicopter) ate her.  From what I hear, she was delicious.

Back when she was a non-eaten anchor lady, she wasn't really annoying.  However, I'm comparing her to the rest of the sub-normals bouncing around the set of this ass-fest.  Also, I am somewhat biased because she's better looking than the rest of the women on the show.  And yes, I'm calling it a show because it's not much of a news show.  Not that I ever watch the news, anyway.

My girlfriend asks me why I watch GDP in the morning when I wake up instead of legitimate news. I don't really have an answer for that.  Maybe I'm just masochistic.  Don't judge me.  When you see me tearing down the street in assless leather chaps with a zipper-mouth mask, don't fucking judge me.

Oh Janet Zappala, how I fucking hate thee.  I'm pretty sure she took over Kerri Lee's job as anchor-woman.  Look at her.  Look long and hard at that picture.  She's trying so goddamned hard to look 22 years old.  She likes to think she's hot.  Hey, she likes to think she's model-hot, or porn star-hot.  Seriously, she is.  Look at that pose she's striking.  It looks like somebody's ramming her from behind.  She's fucking bent over.  She has to be.  The only other viable excuse for posing like that is for her to be hunchbacked, and (although really, really funny) I'm pretty sure she's not.  She also has a Crawford-esque beauty mark.  Aww, how precious.  Let me get my toenail clippers, I'll be right back.  SNIP.

She pretty much controls the show.  George Mallet is her bitch.  Jennaphr whatever tries to knock her down a peg in their constant struggle for supreme bitch behind the desk, but ol' Janet isn't giving up the reins that easily.  I think that's why she always starts talking shit on Steve Keeley.  She knows that you can't help but make fun of him, and if she starts it, the rest of the sheep will follow.  I swear she says shit about him being gay, too.  I don't know if he is or not, and I don't care, but she does it because you can see the anger about to explode out of his face, turning him into the Incredible Hulk.

Sue Serio.  Goddamned Sue Serio.  Wow.  I hate her.  I really do.  She's the token chunky reporter that's peppier than a coked-up cheerleader.  As you can see by the photo, she loooooves cheeseburgers.  And curly fries.  Look at the lust for food in her eye.  She can't wait to eat something.  She can snap at any second, so you'd better beware.  Rumor has it that everyone looks like a basted turkey to her.  We are all her food.  Run for cover.

On Good Day Philadelphia's website, they call her the weathercaster.  Aside from the fact that her title sounds like some type of Dungeons and Dragons thing (or whatever), she does the stupid human interest stories in addition to jubilantly telling everyone it's going to be a great day even when deadly T-Storms are poised to melt the city.  Nothing makes her happier than the weather.  Except, of course, gravy and lots of it.

These human interest stories I'm referring to usually have to do with her gorging herself at a bakery.  Sometimes she visits a kindergarten class in hopes of nabbing a small, delicious child-snack.  Here's a glimpse into her thought process: "Nap time...  TELL THEM IT'S NAP TIME....  When they sleep, the tasty young snacks will be defenseless...  When they sleep, I shall have my sustenance.  Oh yes, they will all be mine, dipped in chocolate, and pumped full of delicious creamy butter..."  Then the camera catches her staring off into space while licking her lips for a few minutes.  You know what she's thinking.

Here he is, the serial killer-to-be himself, Steve Keeley.  I couldn't have asked for a better picture than the one on the GDP website.  Behind the bad toupee is the heart of a guy that desperately seeks vengeance on his tormentors, the three bourgeois fucks behind the desk in the comfort of their bunker-I mean-studio.  He flies around in his helicopter all morning listening to Janet Zappala call him gay while the other two sheep laugh along.  Take a look at the expression on his face.  Look at his evil cold, dead stare, the forced half-smile (which looks much more like a smirk to me because he knows that he will one day dismember them and eat their flesh), and, once again, the bad toupee.  Seriously, dude; you're not fooling any of us.  Look at that shit!  You can almost see the lining.  Terrible.

Anyway, he flies around all day in his helicopter, looking at traffic jams, emotionlessly rattling off traffic tips, and silently plotting his revenge.  One day, I swear, he will nosedive that motherfucker right into the studio like a kamikaze superstar.  It's only a matter of time.  I'm actually routing for the guy, too.  If I were him, having to listen to people talking shit on me five hours a day, five days a week, I'd want to drink their blood too.